Ready To Love Again

The Sweet Romance Series, Book Two

By Keren Hughes

Ready To Love Again

Copyright © 2015 by Keren Hughes. All rights reserved.

First Print Edition: April 2015

Limitless Publishing, LLC

Kailua, HI 96734

www.limitlesspublishing.com

Formatting: Limitless Publishing

ISBN-13: 978-1511529310

ISBN-10: 1511529318

No part of this book may be reproduced, scanned, or distributed in any printed or electronic form without permission. Please do not participate in or encourage piracy of copyrighted materials in violation of the author’s rights. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to locales, events, business establishments, or actual persons—living or dead—is entirely coincidental.

Dedication

For those who have loved and lost;

may you find love again one day.

Ad Astra Per Aspera

Table of Contents

Chapter One

Chapter Two

Chapter Three

Chapter Four

Chapter Five

Chapter Six

Chapter Seven

Chapter Eight

Chapter Nine

Chapter Ten

Chapter Eleven

Chapter Twelve

Chapter Thirteen

Chapter Fourteen

Chapter Fifteen

Chapter Sixteen

Chapter Seventeen

Chapter Eighteen

Chapter Nineteen

Chapter Twenty

Chapter Twenty-One

Chapter Twenty-Two

Chapter Twenty-Three

Chapter Twenty-Four

Chapter Twenty-Five

Chapter Twenty-Six

Chapter Twenty-Seven

Chapter Twenty-Eight

Chapter Twenty-Nine

Chapter Thirty

Chapter Thirty-One

Chapter Thirty-Two

Chapter Thirty-Three

Chapter Thirty-Four

Chapter Thirty-Five

Epilogue

Chapter One

Barren. That was what I was thinking as I looked at my surroundings. My new apartment—if that’s what you could call it—was ugly; empty and devoid of anything that makes a place home.

I stood in the bedroom–cum-lounge–cum-dining room. I looked around at the four stark magnolia walls and the furniture that looked old and stale, as I took in a breath of musty air. No wonder this place had been so cheap to rent. It was a shithole.

The place I now get to call “home” is nothing more than a bedsit. One room where I sleep, live, and eat, one tiny, dingy kitchen and one shoe box size bathroom complete with mould along one wall.

I had wanted to move somewhere far away and fast. This had been the only place I could afford and obviously the landlord had sent me pictures of it in its best light—though standing here, I found it hard to believe there was a “best light”.

The landlord, Graham, had asked for the least amount of rent and deposit up front. Now I could see why.

It was five hundred miles across the country from Portsmouth, where I lived, so I had been unable to come and view the place before moving. I regretted that deeply as I took another breath of the unclean air.

Taking a step towards the only window in the room, I wished I had a rubber glove to touch the handle. As I lifted it, the window needed an extra hard push to get it open. I put my head out and smelled the fresh air of the outdoors. Not as fresh as I was used to, of course. I used to live in Portsmouth, but in this city the air was full of more pollution and toxins—but anything was better than the inside of this dump.

First of all, I set about the task of opening all the windows, then I took a seat by one of them on one of the chairs from the dining table. They were wooden, so though I feared sitting on something unclean, it seemed like the best option.

Watching the world race by outside my window, I saw people were busy coming and going—from where, I wasn’t sure. Most were in business suits, and it was a good bet they were on their way to or from work. Work. That was something I had to find. I only had so much money in my account and though my rent was cheap, there were going to be bills to pay, so that would eat my small savings very quickly if I didn’t do something to boost my money.

I sat and pondered things for a little while longer before closing the windows and getting my bag and keys from the dining table. I walked outside and locked my front door. My belongings weren’t worth much, but I didn’t want to chance having something stolen, so I made sure to double lock the door. I didn’t want to start from scratch, it was already going to be hard enough.

As I strolled along the sidewalk, I saw the little store I thought I had noticed on the way in here in the cab. I entered the store and was greeted by a sales assistant with a smile.

“Can I help you, miss?” the blonde-haired girl asked with a smile.

“I just need some cleaning supplies and directions to somewhere I can buy something like a camp bed roll,” I replied as I smiled in her direction.

“Sure thing, follow me to the cleaning supplies aisle,” she responded as she made a move from behind the counter and led me to a small aisle crammed with bleach, rubber gloves, polish, window cleaner, toilet brushes—all the things I would need for my cleaning binge later. The girl handed me a basket and I thanked as her as she made her way back to the front of the store.

I filled my basket with all the cleaning supplies you could name, including an oil that you could put a few drops into hot water and leave in a room for a couple of hours to get it smelling fresh.

Hot water. Dang! I would need a kettle too. How else would I get hot water for coffee without splashing out on a coffee machine, which would be so much more expensive? For now, I would have to live on instant coffee and maybe even start drinking hot tea if instant coffee wasn’t all it was cracked up to be.

I purveyed the goods in the store and came across some tea bags, sweeteners, and instant coffee. I have used sweetener for a while now, as they contain no calories and I am trying to lose some of the excess weight I put on recently. I also found milk, which I would be using instead of the non-dairy creamer I was used to.

This really was turning out to be a culture shock. But how else could I escape the ghosts of my past? I couldn’t stay in the place I had once called home for a moment longer. I had put the place on the market but hadn’t wanted to stick around and wait for a sale. I gave them permission to give the money from the eventual sale to my mother so she could deposit it into my account. The sale I was hoping for still hadn’t happened, so I had to move with what little money I had and hope to get more soon. I wanted the stay in my current accommodation to be as brief as possible.

I got to the till and asked the girl if there was somewhere I could purchase a kettle. As they aren’t used all that much, there couldn’t be many people that stocked them. But as luck would have it, she told me they sold them at the same place as I would find the camp bed roll.

I paid her for my purchases and thanked her for directions as I bagged my goods and headed out the door back to my new home.

I put my purchases on the worktop in the kitchen. Putting the milk in the fridge didn’t seem a good idea until it had gone through a proper cleaning, so I left everything in the bags and locked up, ready to make my way to the camping store.

The guy at the store was immediately chipper when he saw me. He was falling over himself to help me and he showed me where to find everything I needed.

“Thank you, Clark,” I said, reading his name tag.

“No problem, Miss…” he seemed to be waiting for me to offer my name but I didn’t.

“You’ve been really helpful,” I said as I handed over the money for my goods.

“All part of the service.” He beamed a mega-watt smile my way.

He was cute, in a geeky kind of way but definitely not my type and I was not in the market for a man right now. So I smiled back and hoped that it reached my eyes instead of the façade of a smile I was used to putting on recently.

Clark helped me bag everything up before asking if I had a car he could help me to.

“I was only coming for a camp bed roll and a kettle, I didn’t think I’d need the car,” I said.

“Oh, well let me help you,” he said as I heard a set of keys jangle behind the counter.

“Oh no, I can’t expect that of you, you’ll lose customers.”

“If they really need something, they’ll be back. My grandpa taught me to always help anyone in need and you are in need of a lift, you can’t simply carry all of this home,” he chirped as he ushered me out of the store and locked the doors behind us.

Clark led the way to a little red Pontiac in the small parking lot and opened the trunk for me. He piled my goods into the trunk and then opened my door. I got in the car with a sheepish smile. I really was grateful for the help. I hadn’t been able to look for a car yet, as I had only just arrived. I didn’t want Clark to know that though.

“So where do you need taking?” he asked as he got in the driver’s side and started the engine.

I gave him directions to the street my new place was on and soon we were pulling up outside.

“Thank you so much, Clark,” I said as he retrieved my bags from the trunk.

“Anything to help a damsel in distress,” he replied with a wink.

“What makes you think I’m damsel in distress?” I asked a little sharper than I had intended.

“I didn’t mean anything by it, Miss. I just saw what you purchased and put two and two together. I’m very sorry for the assumption.”

His eyes dropped and so did his smile.

“It’s okay, Clark. I guess I am in a bit of distress,” I admitted softly.

“Oh,” he sighed.

“Yeah, I’ve just moved here and the apartment is not at all what I was hoping for.”

“I’m sorry to hear that. Places round here aren’t all that great.”

“Trust me—anywhere, even a park bench—would be better than this,” I said as I opened my front door.

Ashamed to show him in, I volunteered to take the bags from his arms but he walked right past me and the gasp was audible as he took in his surroundings.

I quickly walked in and reopened all of the windows.

“My first stop was a store for cleaning products. Next was your store for the camp bed roll to sleep on until I can get a better bed,” the words came tumbling out of my mouth.

“I can see why. No offence. I hope the rent on this place is cheap because that can be its only redeeming feature,” he said as he looked around the bedroom area, then the couch in the lounge and the dining table.

“Yeah, it was a cheap deposit and cheap rent. The landlord sent pictures of it before I signed the lease but it almost seems like they were pictures of somewhere else.”

“Oh. You didn’t view it before signing?” he looked a little puzzled.

“I couldn’t,” I admitted.

“Oh?” he questioned.

“Yeah, long story, but I moved five hundred miles away from my home to come here for a fresh start,” I admitted sadly.

“Oh, I’m sorry.”

I didn’t want his or anyone else’s pity.

“It’s okay. I can spruce this place up and make it feel more like home,” I said, my cheerful tone forced.

“I’m sure you will. Now where do I put these things and where are your cleaning supplies?” he asked with a grin.

“Umm…you can put them on the dining table, I guess. The cleaning supplies are all in the kitchen, why?”

Clark walked into the kitchen and emptied the bags on the counter. I observed him with curiosity for a moment before walking into the kitchen behind him. There was no door between the kitchen and the main room, in fact the only two doors in the place were the front door and the one to the bathroom.

Clark was busy looking things over, opening cupboards and drawers. I pondered what he could be doing for a moment.

“Do you have an iPod?” he asked suddenly, breaking the silence.

“Yes. Why?” I questioned.

“Because we need music!” he exclaimed.

“We?” I asked.

“Yes, we! Now do you have an iPod dock or a Bluetooth speaker?”

“No, sorry.”

I was still musing his ‘we’ remark.

“Okay, back in a minute,” he said before striding across the room and letting himself out the front door.

His car pulled away and I got to the window just in time to see the tail end of the Pontiac turning the corner.

I paced the small room, wondering what on Earth Clark was up to now, but I only had a few minutes to myself before someone knocked on my front door.

I opened the door to see him brandishing something in a box my way.

“We sell these at the store, luckily for you!” He beamed at me as he strode purposefully into the kitchen.

“What is it?”

“A Bluetooth speaker, of course!”

“Oh!” I couldn’t think of what else to say.

“Well, what are you standing there for? Get your iPod.”

I rummaged around in my bag for my iPod Touch and passed it to Clark. He turned it on, turned on the speaker, connected them via Bluetooth, and selected an album from my eclectic collection.

“I just love this song.” Clark flashed me that mega-watt smile before turning to the array of cleaning products that now littered the worktop.

Panic! At The Disco’s album A Fever You Can’t Sweat Out started blaring from his speaker as he passed me a pair of rubber gloves, a cloth, and a bottle of cleaning fluid.

He donned a pair of gloves himself and began to sing along as he strode off to my bathroom with all the supplies he would need.

“Clark!” I called out after him.

What was he doing? He’d only just met me and was planning on helping me clean?

“What?” he shouted over the music.

I walked into the bathroom and saw him cleaning the bathtub.

“Don’t what me! What on Earth are you doing?”

“Well, what does it look like?”

“I know what you’re doing but what I don’t know is why.”

“Because you are never going to get all this done today on your own. You’re new to the area, hundreds of miles from home and friends. It’s very slow for me at the store, so I shut up for the day and put a sign in the door saying that service would resume as normal tomorrow.”

“But…but—you don’t even know me. I haven’t even told you my name!” I exclaimed, exasperated at his kindness.

“Tell me then,” he replied, turning to look at me for the first time since I had walked into my bathroom.

“I’m Alyssa,” I said as I extended my hand, rubber glove and all.

“Nice to meet you, Alyssa. Beautiful name for a beautiful lady.”

“Thank you. I’m not going to lie, I am astounded at your generosity.”

“Think nothing of it,” he said as he turned back to the tub.

“I can’t thank you enough, Clark, seriously. You don’t have to be so kind.”

“Seriously, Alyssa, think no more of it and start cleaning the kitchen. We’ll attack the main room together once we’re finished here.”

“Clark, you are the best!” I gave him a smile as I opened the door that led back to the kitchen.

I entered the kitchen with a newfound sense of purpose and a spring in my step. I think it was safe to say I had found my first friend in the area and that helped ease a little of the sadness in my heart.

***

We cleaned for what seemed forever. The bathroom shone clean from top to bottom and Clark had even cleaned the toilet—not a job you can normally get a guy to do. The kitchen was now also spotless—I had cleaned the cupboards, drawers, worktops, the fridge, freezer, and the cooker. Oh and the microwave too—now it was fit to cook in.

To cook in. Oh my god. I hadn’t done any food shopping. I hadn’t had time. I’d have to put up with take-out for one night. That wouldn’t be good for my diet, but still, it was a one-off.

We shared the cleaning and airing out of the main room and soon the musty smell was minimal. I could bear it until I got a new bed. I had my camp bed roll laid on top of the bed for now and felt sure that I could cope temporarily.

“Thank you so much, Clark,” I said as we sat sipping the instant coffee I had made.

“No thanks necessary,” he said as a blush crept across his cheeks.

I looked at him more closely now that we were sat taking a rest. He had brown shaggy hair that was cut short and kind of spiky. His eyes were a pale blue-green. His body wasn’t all ripped abs, as far as I could tell, but he was lean and well-muscled underneath his Ramones t-shirt. If I were to guess, I’d say he was around twenty-five. There was no doubt about it, girls would think Clark was handsome. Sexy, even. But for me, my heart belonged to another.

“Well, at least let me treat you to a take-out,” I said as I snapped out of my daze.

“Okay. I know some good places, it depends what you want.”

“What’s good around here?”

“Chinese!”

“What would you order?”

“Chicken chow mein or sweet and sour chicken.”

“Okay, you phone them and place the order. We can share a bit of both of those if you want to?” I asked as I wondered how we would eat them when I had no cutlery or crockery.

“Sure. And they come in these awesome little boxes you can open out into a little cardboard plate and they have chopsticks too, so no worries about not having anything to eat with.”

“You read my mind,” I said, surprise evident in my voice.

“I saw your kitchen cupboards and draws, they’re bare. But you’ll get that sorted. There’s a great little place in town, cheap too.” He smiled at me. “Not that I’m saying you’re cheap,” he added quickly.

“I know! Thanks, I’ll check them out tomorrow.”

“Don’t forget to take your car. You won’t be able to carry things from town.”

“About that…” I hesitated to tell him the truth.

“What?”

“I don’t actually have a car. I said that in the store so you wouldn’t think I was completely lame.”

“Oh. Well, no worries, I’ll drive you.”

“No, you won’t. You have the store to open.”

“So I take a couple of days off. You’re doing me a favour. To be honest, the store belongs to my father and trade is slow at the moment.”

“Oh, well, then even more reason not to close for another day. You’ll miss any trade and some money is better than none.”

“Trust me, my folks don’t need the extra money. They’ve made their money and sit pretty on it,” Clark explained.

“Oh. Well…I still don’t want to be a burden.”

“You aren’t.”

That seemed to conclude the conversation because he pulled out his iPhone and dialled for take-out.

Chapter Two

It had been two weeks since I’d moved into the bedsit and I was getting restless. I hadn’t gotten a job and I still hadn’t sold my house—this meant I was going to be confined to this shithole bedsit longer than I had hoped was necessary.

Clark had become a regular fixture in my life. He was always popping round for a chat or to bring take-out. We had an easy friendship. I hadn’t thought I’d make friends fast moving here—and granted, Clark was the only one so far—but I was glad to have some company.

I had friends back home, plenty of them, in fact. But every single one of them pitied me now, I had seen it in their eyes. One of the reasons I had moved so far away was to get away from the pity that followed me round like a bad smell. I’d bump into someone and they’d give me that look, the ‘I’m at a loss for what to say to you’ look. It was inevitable, unavoidable, and weighed down on me like a millstone around my neck.

At least Clark didn’t pity me. He didn’t really know me or my past, so he didn’t look at me like they did. Clark was a kind and gentle soul. I knew he’d feel sorry for me if I told him about my past, which was one reason not to tell him. I didn’t want to hide who I was, I just wanted to escape from being her for a while. I’d tell Clark when the time was right. He’d only been in my life two weeks, I didn’t have to spill my guts so fast. When I eventually tell him, I’m sure he’ll understand why it took me a while. Won’t he? I sure hope so!

***

I finally got some luck by way of a phone call from my old employer. They had been so understanding when I left. Claire, my old boss, rang me on the Monday morning of my third week away from home.

“I had a feeling you would need gainful employment once you got settled, so I called in a favour and got you an interview. I can’t get you the job, only you can do that, but the interview is set for Wednesday at 9 a.m.,” Claire said.

“That’s great, Claire, I don’t know what to say. Thank you so much. I have been looking for work but it’s so hard to get an ‘in’ in this industry unless you know the right people.”

“I know, that’s why I called in a favour over at Emerging Butterfly. You will get the job on your own merit, but it’s good to know somebody who knows somebody, right?” she said. I could hear the smile in her voice.

“It sure is. Thank you again. I’m so sorry I left at such short notice. You really didn’t have to do this for me,” I replied, tears springing to my eyes.

I couldn’t help but feel sad that I had to quit my old job. I truly loved working for Peterson’s and somehow knew I would never find a job that would quite live up to it.

“Hey, it’s understandable. I would probably have done the same in your shoes. I will give you a glowing reference, of course. You were a model employee. You’re hard-working, dedicated, loyal…You really shouldn’t have a problem getting this job. They’re an up and coming company—not the most well-known yet, but they are getting their name out there. They have a position to fill and I’m sure you will be the star candidate.”

“Thank you for everything, Claire, really. You were the best boss and I loved my time working with you. You taught me everything I know and I really respect the hell out of you.”

“I know and the feeling is mutual, lady. You just go in there and show them what you’re made of!”

I couldn’t help but feel like crying. Claire had gone out of her way to get me a job interview even when I had left her in the lurch. I hadn’t given any notice of needing to leave. I just went into her office a month after the funeral and said I needed to go. She had understood and had given me a month’s pay like she would’ve if I had worked my notice out.

“I’ll be sure to ring you and tell you how it went,” I said as I felt a pang of emotion I couldn’t quite name.

“You better!” she said with a laugh.

“Oh I will. I’m nervous as hell now. I have two days in which to prepare myself for this interview. I haven’t had a job interview since I started working for you seven years ago.”

“You’ll breeze it. You’re smart, funny, and anyone can see you would be an asset to their company. Just make sure you have an updated CV and that you’re dressed to impress.”

A CV was something I didn’t have. I had worked for Peterson Press for seven years and before them, I had worked as a temp so I could be at a place for a few days, a few weeks, or maybe even a few months. It was going to be hard to make that look good on paper.

“Well, I ought to work on that CV today. I don’t have a printer so I’ll have to see if there’s a library that will let me print a copy.”

“They said you can email a copy to the lady who will be interviewing you. Do you have Wi-Fi?”

“Yes, they installed it last week.”

“In that case, I’ll email you all the details; the email address, the address of the company, etcetera.”

“Thanks, Claire. I couldn’t have done this without you.”

“Thank me by getting the job.”

“I’ll do my best,” I promised, to myself as much as to her.

“That’s all you can do. Call me soon. I’ll let you get on with interview prep.”

“Claire, before you go, thank you for everything. You are a good friend as much as you are my ex-employer. I can never repay your kindness.”

“Oh hush, woman. Call me when you get out of the interview, you hear me?”

We said our goodbyes and I booted up my laptop to write my CV and cover note for it.

I called Clark when he got off work and let him know I had an interview lined up. He was ecstatic for me and I hadn’t long got off the phone with him when I heard his car pull up outside.

I opened the door and let him in.

“It’s great that you have an interview but do you have an outfit? I know how women are when it comes to preparing what to wear ahead of time,” Clark teased as he walked by me and sat on the little couch in the main room.

“I have suits back from when I used to work for Peterson’s but I don’t have anything new, if that’s what you mean.”

“Let’s see some of the options then!”

“Okay, wait there,” I said as I walked into the bathroom with a pile of clothes in my hand.

***

After a few changes of outfit, a few changes of blouse to go with the suit we chose, I finally had an outfit to wear on the big day. I also had shoes, a bag, and accessories to make the look complete. I have a very minimalist style. I don’t do big clunky pieces of jewellery, I find them too tacky.

Clark stayed to go over my CV with me and he even chose which fragrance of mine he liked best for me to spray on the day.

I couldn’t help but feel nervous. I hadn’t had an interview since the one for Peterson’s, which, of course, was years ago. I knew that so much had changed since then and that this would not be easy—yet I was excited too. The prospect of a new job and new friends, maybe things were looking up for me since the downturn I’d taken when Ethan died.

Ethan. My heart panged at the memory of him. What would he make of all this? The old Alyssa, the one he married, wouldn’t have ever made such a ballsy move as to up sticks and move hundreds of miles from her family and home. But then none of this would have happened if he was still here. We’d still be married and would still be living in the same house, just round the corner from our families. Unfortunately, the ALS would still be progressing too. I wish with all my heart that none of this had happened, my life has been turned upside down and inside out, yet I couldn’t help but think he would be proud of me. He wanted me to move on and that is exactly what I have been trying to do.

Chapter Three

At 8:45 a.m. I entered the building of Emerging Butterfly Publishing House. Looking around me, I saw a big imposing building with an ultra-modern look inside and out.

I walked up to the highly polished, black reception desk. I cleared my throat, as the receptionist was paying attention to her computer.

“Good morning. I have an appointment with Ms. Lynch at 9 a.m.,” I said quietly.

“Ah yes, Mrs. Young, please be seated and Ms. Lynch will be with you momentarily,”the receptionist—or Skyla, according to her nametag—said brightly.

“It’s Ms. Young,” I corrected with a smile.

“I beg your pardon, Ms. Young. Would you like a drink while you wait?”

“A glass of water would be good. Thank you.”

My throat was a little dry and I could tell it was only going to get worse with nerves. Claire had said I was good enough to get this job but even with my years of experience in the industry, it still didn’t guarantee a good result from this interview. Only time would tell, I suppose.

As I sat with my glass of water, a door opened and a gorgeous looking woman stepped over the threshold.

“Good morning, Ms. Young. Please, come this way.” She gestured towards her office.

I stood and smoothed invisible wrinkles from my skirt. I could feel a slight sheen of sweat on my hands as I did so.

I walked forward into the office and heard the door close softly behind us.

“Please, take a seat, Ms. Young.” Ms. Lynch gestured to the chair in front of her desk.

“Thank you,” I said as I took the seat.

I looked around the office and saw that whilst it may look all business at first glance, if you looked a little closer you could see the touches of home that had been integrated over however long Ms. Lynch had been with the company.

“So, Ms. Young, may I call you Alyssa?” she asked as she took the seat opposite me.

“Of course.”

“Well, you can call me Julieanne.” She smiled as she made herself comfortable.

“Thank you, Julieanne.”

“Why don’t you tell me a bit about yourself, Alyssa?”

I told her a bit about my old job as an editor for Peterson’s Press and a little about having only just moved to town. I didn’t want her to know too much about what brought me to town so I told her that I had just wanted a change. Nobody could know the real reason behind my move. Not yet.

I won’t lie and say the interview was a breeze—there were some hard questions that I took my time to formulate answers to. It seemed to have gone okay, though. Julieanne had been very nice and had treated me as though I was a friend rather than a prospective employee.

I stepped outside and called a cab. The sun was shining and I had a feeling of calm come over me. I had done all I could, and whether I got the job was now firmly in the hands of Julieanne.

I paid the driver as we pulled up outside Clark’s store.

“So…” Clark said as I entered.

“I think it went okay. She said I’ll hear by Friday. I was her last interviewee, so she’ll spend the next couple of days deliberating, no doubt.”

“Well, I think you’ll get it. I have every faith in you.”

Clark was so sweet. He knew next to nothing about me, yet he was willing to be as kind and helpful as he had been over the last couple of weeks.

“Thanks. I have to get home and out of this suit but I’ll swing by this afternoon at closing time. We’re going to the local bar for a drink, on me.”

“You won’t hear me complaining!” Clark said with a grin.

“Okay, see you at 5.”

I kissed him on the cheek and walked out of the store.

The sun was shining and I was smiling. I had done my best and that was all I could do. The rest really wasn’t up to me.

I went home and got changed into something a little more comfortable. Putting my iPod in its dock, I selected one of my favourite playlists. There was a lot on my iPod and I have to admit to having very eclectic tastes. There was a bit of everything from The Beatles to The Smiths, Curtis Stigers to Pink. I loved a bit of reggae and even some rhythm and blues but by far my favourite band was The Cure. From “Caterpillar” to “The Lovecats,” to “Lullaby” and “Just Like Heaven.”

When I was feeling low, listening to The Cure could really cheer me up. I had been feeling low a lot recently. No-one could blame me after all I had been through. But this was the new me. I wasn’t going to let myself wallow in self-pity.

I did a bit of housework and then called Claire around lunchtime.

“So, Julieanne is nice, huh?” She sounded chipper today.

“She really is. I’m not sure what my chances are but if they’ll have me, I can see myself being very happy there.”

“I’m sure you would be, darling. I have every confidence in you. When do you think you’ll hear back from her?”

“She said she’d let me know by Friday. I was the last person in for interview, so she has a couple of days to deliberate.”

“Well, at least you won’t have to wait long, darling.”

I could hear the smile in Claire’s voice and it was contagious. I could feel the hint of a smile on my own face.

“I know, I’m grateful for that at least. Waiting to hear back is torture—I’m not letting it get me though—I’m going to try and be as positive as possible.”

“That’s the way to be. Anyway, I should really get going as I have a meeting, but I want to hear from you on Friday as soon as you have news. If it’s a rejection, I’ll try another couple of contacts I have, but it may mean you having a longer commute to work. Let’s keep our fingers crossed, though.”

“I’ll call you the moment I know!” I promised.

“Good girl. I’ll talk to you then!”

We said our goodbyes and I ran myself a bath. I wanted to be ready to meet Clark at the store and if I didn’t get a move on, I wouldn’t be ready in time. I needed to work on my writing for at least an hour each day and I didn’t want to have to let that fall to the wayside today.

***

“I’m sure you’ll get the job,” Clark said as we entered the local pub, The Mermaid Inn, later that afternoon.

“Well, I sure hope so, but I’m not about to let it bring me down if not. I have skills—I can put them to use anywhere I guess—it would just be nicer to stay in the industry. This job sounds amazing too.”

“What is it you would be doing exactly?”

“Let’s get a drink and I’ll fill you in,” I answered as we walked to the bar.

We got a drink and found a table in a relatively quiet corner. Clark had brought me in here once before since I had moved in. It wasn’t a bad little place actually.

“Come on and fill me in then,” Clark said impatiently.

“Well, I don’t know how much you know about the publishing industry. I’m not sure where to start explaining. Do you read at all?”

This was something I didn’t know about Clark. Okay, so we hadn’t known each other long but I would normally have found out what books someone likes to read by now.

“I do read. I like a bit of Fantasy, a bit of Sci-Fi.”

“What authors do you normally read?” I enquired as I took a sip of my gin and tonic.

“Well, I have a bit of a passion for indie authors, actually. Being ‘in the biz’, as they say, you’ll know plenty of indies, I’m sure.”

I was glad he had a passion for indie authors, this would make explaining so much easier.

“Well, the job I interviewed for is actually a bit like a talent scout. I seek out the best indie authors, the cream of the crop, as they say, and I see if I can get them to sign with Emerging Butterfly. They aren’t the biggest publisher around, but I have researched them and they are an up and coming company. They have been doing very well of late. They have signed some really good authors.”

“So you get to read books for a living? I would love that!” Clark said with a grin.

“I knew you were a fellow geek the moment I met you, and I mean that in as nice a way as possible, of course.” I nudged him with my elbow and he laughed at me.

“This is great. You’ll be able to recommend new talented authors to me.”

“If I get the job, that is.”

“You will. I know it.”

***

It turned out Clark and Claire had both been right. I got a call from Julieanne on Friday morning asking me when I could start work. We agreed I would come by the office on Monday and sign my contract.

“You’re looking at Emerging Butterfly Publishing’s Head of Indie Acquisitions. That’s not my official title, but I like it!” I said to Clark as he arrived for our Friday night take-out and movie. This was the third Friday I had lived here and the third Friday that Clark had turned up with Chinese take-out from the same place we had used that first time we met. He also brought wine and a DVD. Tonight it was Avengers Assemble.

“That’s amazing. See, I told you that you had the job in the bag!” he exclaimed as he wrapped me in a one arm hug and placed a chaste kiss on my cheek.

“I rang Claire and told her earlier, she was ecstatic.”

“Who’s Claire?”

I forgot that Clark didn’t know much about my life before I moved here so I told him about Claire and my last job as an editor for Peterson’s Press as we settled down with our take-out.

“My job as an editor was really fun. I got to read books from all sorts of aspiring authors. I read all genres and I guess you can thank that job for my eclectic taste in books these days!”

“Sounds awesome. I love reading in my spare time, not that I get much of that with my mega busy social life.” He nudged my arm as he winked at me.

I could tell Clark wasn’t much of a social butterfly. He seemed to keep to himself apart from our take-out nights. I didn’t know why he wasn’t more social—he had friends, I’d often heard him talk about them—why was it he chose to have nights in with me instead of having the odd ‘lad’s night out’? Was it pity for the new girl in town? Come to think of it, why wasn’t he out there with a pretty girl on his arm? I guess I’m going to have to make it my mission to find out. I know I don’t know anyone around here very well just yet, but I am sure I’ll meet someone I can set him up with.

“So, Avengers Assemble is on the menu tonight, huh?” I said as I pointed to the box Clark had put on the dining table.

“It sure is. You said you were a fellow geek.”

“I sure am. It doesn’t hurt that there’s some eye-candy in it too,” I admitted.

“Oh really, who would that be? No, let me guess…Mark Ruffalo.”

“Ick no! Robert Downey Jr of course,” I laughed as I took in the look on Clark’s face.

“You like the older man? Hmm…”

“I do. Well, not too old, just a few years.”

“A few years?” he scoffed as he spat some of his beer on the table in an effort not to laugh at me.

“Okay, RDJ is the top of my age range. Ethan was only five years older than me.”

“Ethan? Who’s Ethan?” he asked as he grabbed a cloth and cleaned up the beer he had spat out.

Damn, I had slipped up. I really hadn’t wanted to bring up my past. I was trying to be the new me, the one where no-one knew what the old me had suffered. Or at least if they knew, it was because I chose to tell them, not to let it slip out in conversation.

“Oh, he’s an ex,” I tried to casually brush off my mistake.

“Oh. Okay. Least said, soonest mended, that’s what my Grandma always taught me.”

There was nothing that could be mended. The past was indelibly written on my soul and there was no escaping it for me. Sure, I could pretend. Maybe I could one day even convince myself to really be happy instead of this façade, but for now, I didn’t want to say any more on the subject.

“Something like that,” I said as I got up to put the DVD in the player.

Chapter Four

I’m so sorry this has to be the end, my darling. I know finding this letter will tear you apart, but I can’t think of any other way. I hope in the long run you will see that what I did was for the best. I was in so much pain, my sweetheart, I only put a brave face on it for you. Please don’t hate me for taking ‘the coward’s way out’. That isn’t what this feels like for me; it feels like the best decision all-round. It’s finally something I can control—unlike so many other things that have come to pass over this last year. Though I am going to break your heart by doing this, I know it has to be done my way. It has to be on my terms, I can’t take much more of what nature has in store for me.

I woke with a jolt, these words on a loop in my head. Ethan’s words in his final letter to me haunted my dreams every night for the first month after the funeral, but I haven’t had the dream in the weeks since I’ve moved away—I had hoped this meant I was getting better, getting more closure. Who was I trying to fool?

I untangled myself from the sheets stuck to my skin with sweat. I went into the kitchen and grabbed a glass from the cupboard. I let the cold water run for a few moments before filling my glass and downing it in one. I refilled the glass and took it back to bed.

My heart was still racing and I needed to sit and gather myself. I put on my robe and sat on the couch at the foot of my bed.

My pulse gradually returned to normal as I sat staring into space, trying to calm my thoughts. I wouldn’t sleep again tonight, I knew that from past experience with this dream. Instead I reached for my Kindle and hoped for some distraction with the first book I was reading.

I managed to keep my mind distracted with the book. It was one from an indie author called Shelly Rayburn. The plot was great, the writing flowed well, and it was fast-paced, full of twists and turns to keep you in suspense. I could see it being picked up by Emerging Butterfly if Ms. Rayburn was interested.

That would be my first job. I’d need to contact Ms. Rayburn and see if she would sign with us.

I’ve always been good at negotiations. I’ve had to be in my line of work. I was an editor for Peterson’s and so hadn’t been in charge of acquiring new authors, but I still had to negotiate with those authors when it came to what I would like to change about their manuscript.

I got up and ready for work. I was sick of having to take a bath, I really needed somewhere with a shower.

As I finished applying lip gloss and making sure my outfit looked okay for my first day in the office, I grabbed my suit jacket from the hanger and reached for my bag on the dining table.

I called a cab and then went outside to wait in the sunshine. I locked the door and sat on the low wall at the bottom of the small garden.

My cab arrived and I set off for work. I was nervous about the staff meeting that had been called. Apparently it was to introduce me to everyone in one go, so I had taken extra care to look my best.

As I arrived at work, I saw Skyla and gave her a small smile as she stood to greet me.

“Good morning, Ms. Young. I have been asked to direct you the conference room.” She beamed at me with her perfect white teeth.

“Good morning,” I greeted.

We walked together to the conference room and I tried to make a mental note of how to get there in future. It was quite a large building and there was a chance I would end up getting lost for a while before getting my bearings.

We approached a room that had a wall of glass which enabled me to see a lot of staff sat around a table and some that were standing, as there weren’t enough chairs.

“Here we are, Ms. Young,” she said as she pointed to a conference room lined with a glass wall.

I opened the door and walked in to meet my fate.

“Here she is, the newest member of our team here at Emerging Butterfly. Please welcome Alyssa Young, everybody,” Julieanne said as her gaze landed on me.

Everyone in the room turned their heads to look at me and they burst into a round of applause.

I could feel the blush creep up my cheeks as Julieanne beckoned me to stand at the front of the room with her.

My gaze swept the room and landed briefly on a guy whose smile was the most beautiful sight to behold. No-one had smiled at me like that since Ethan. If he was here today, his smile would light up the whole room, showing everyone just how proud he was of me.

The guy with the smile caught my eye and his smile grew larger. I smiled back, albeit a small, shy smile. I wasn’t trying to act coy, I just wasn’t interested in anything romantic and hoped he wasn’t either.

During the meeting, I got introduced to everyone, but I knew I would need to learn their names all over again. Turns out the guy with the smile is called Chase and he’s an editor. I wouldn’t be able to dodge him, as I would need to assign the editors here to the new authors I signed, providing any actually wanted to sign with us. I had high hopes for Ms. Rayburn’s book and I was going to make it my mission to get her to sign a contract.

As the meeting ended, Julieanne showed me to my office. It was nice, as offices go, but it lacked a feminine touch. Julieanne told me to feel free to add any personal touches I wanted. It was my work space and she wanted me to feel comfortable.

I sat in my new chair and looked at the computer in front of me.

“You’ll need to pay a visit to the IT department to get yourself a card that allows you access to your terminal. See the card reader there? You insert the card and the screen then asks you for your log in details. It’s a piece of cake. I’ll get someone to show you down to IT,” Julieanne said as she stood in my doorway.

“Great, thank you. I already have one author I would like to sign with us. Her book is amazing, I just finished it this morning.”

“That’s brilliant, I’m sure you’re skilled in persuasion. I’ll just fetch someone to show you to IT. I would take you myself but I have another meeting to attend.”

“Okay, I’ll be here, making myself comfortable in my new surroundings.”

I caught Julieanne’s smile as I sat down at my new desk and for the first time in two years, I felt a genuine smile touch my lips.

Julieanne makes it impossible not to smile. She’s a bubbly, vivacious lady with a contagious laugh and a gorgeous white smile. Teeth all perfectly aligned. Is it weird I notice people’s teeth? I guess it might be.

***

I looked up when I heard a knock on my door.

“Hi, Alyssa, I’m Chase. I’m here to take you to IT for your I.D. card,” he said, flashing me a sweet grin.

“Hi, Chase, thanks for taking time out to show me,” I said as I stood and walked towards my door.

“You’ll be signing authors with us then?” he enquired as we walked.

“That’s the hope, yes.”

“I’m an editor here.”

“Yes, I remember Julieanne saying so in the meeting.”

“Do you have a good memory or am I just that memorable?” he asked as he looked sideways at me.

“Neither,” I said a little abruptly.

The smile faded from Chase’s lips and I could tell I would have to find something to say to make it better. I didn’t want to fall out with anyone here, especially not on my first day.

“Sorry, that sounded rude. What I meant was, I don’t have a good memory for names and faces. I guess what I remembered about you was the way you smiled at me when I stood there under scrutiny.”

“Oh, well I like being remembered, especially for my smile,” he said with a mildly flirtatious tone.

“I have a thing about noticing people’s teeth. I would love a smile as white as yours,” I said, hoping to curb the flirting.

“You have a beautiful smile, why would you want to change it?”

“I just want my teeth to be whiter.”

I didn’t know why I was sharing this stupid information with him, but he didn’t seem to mind.

“Well, I think you have a perfect smile, but that’s just my opinion. Here we are then,” he said as he pointed towards the door to the IT department.

“Thank you for accompanying me. I can tell I’ll be getting lost here for a while.”

“I’ll wait out here for you, show you back to your office.” He smiled and opened the IT door for me.

“Thank you, Chase. You don’t have to do that.”

“It’s my pleasure. Can’t have you getting lost.”

With that, I walked into the room and Chase shut the door behind me.

“Can I help you?” asked an older gentleman.

“I’ve come for an I.D. badge to be able to log in at my terminal.”

“Ah, you must be Alyssa. I have your card ready, I just need to take your photograph to add to it.” He smiled at me as he found a card on his desk.

“Okay. Do we do that right now?” I asked, silently grateful that I had decided to make a special effort to look good.

“Yes, if you’ll just come and take a seat.”

He showed me to a stool in front of a white background. I suddenly wished my smile was brighter, but was taken back to the comment Chase had made about it being perfect as it was. I smiled at the thought, and the IT guy—I hadn’t asked or been offered his name—got a camera ready.

I sat on the stool he had positioned along the wall with a white backdrop behind. I was awkward and nervous, having never liked having my photo taken.

“Ready?” he asked and positioned himself behind the camera that was now settled on the tripod in front of me.

“As I’ll ever be.”

I smiled as naturally as I could, although I guessed it was going to turn out awful on the photo.

“All done,” he said as he walked away from the camera towards the printer.

After a few minutes, he brought me my I.D. card and lanyard.

“Wear this at all times in the building,” he said as he handed it over.

I put it straight around my neck.

“I will, thank you,” I said as I headed for the door.

As I left the IT department, Chase moved away from the wall he had been leant against. I had my badge attached to a purple lanyard around my neck. My favourite colour was blue, but the lanyard was company issue because it had their logo on, it really was quite pretty. I loved the butterflies in the design.

“You ready to head back? Chase asked.

“Sure. I have my card and my log in details.”

“Good. Now just to let you know, the canteen doesn’t take cash, you use your card for that too.”

“How does that work?” I was puzzled and pissed because I hadn’t thought to bring lunch with me.

“There’s a machine where you top up your I.D. card. I’m surprised you weren’t told before. I’ll show you where it’s located. All you do is place your card in the machine, select the amount you are topping up by and then put your cash in the machine. The canteen then deducts money from your card and you just have to remember to keep it topped up.”

“Okay, sounds easy enough.”

I was still a bit puzzled. I couldn’t fathom why this was how it was done but no matter, at least I could top up my card now and buy my lunch.

***

After putting some money on my card, I returned to my office and Chase bid me goodbye as he went back to work.

I logged into my computer and found the email containing Ms Rayburn’s contact details. I pulled up a new email and began to write to her with regards to her novel Of Monsters and Men.

I smiled to myself as I hit the send button and decided it was time for a cup of coffee. Chase had shown me where the small kitchen was located and as it wasn’t far from my office, I removed my card and made my way towards the smell of coffee.

I walked into the kitchen and bumped into a tall, slim girl with the darkest brown hair I had seen, although she had a few highlights too.

“Hi,” I said nervously, “I’m Alyssa.”

“Hi Alyssa, I’m just making a coffee, would you like one?” she asked as she put her mug under the constant hot water tap.

“Sure, thanks.”

“Just to let you know, I have a collection for the coffee and other essentials. Everyone contributes a small amount every week and that keeps us in supply.”

“Okay, I’ll pop some money to you at the end of the day, if that’s okay?”

“That’s great, yeah. Just look for the door labelled Lexi Buchanan.”

I took a good look at Lexi as she made my coffee and I told her that I like it white with one sweetener. She was a stunning woman. Sleek, straight hair. Cerulean blue eyes where mine were more of a lapis lazuli shade of blue. She was approximately 5 feet 6 inches tall, but that was in heels. I was the same height without my kitten heels on and only a little taller with them on. Lexi wore a gorgeous suit that looked tailor-made rather than anything off a hanger.

I had been internally comparing myself to her without really noticing I was doing it and when I did notice, I quit. Lexi was a beautiful woman with a friendly, if a little exuberant manner.

I thanked her for the coffee and returned to my office. To my surprise, I had a reply from Ms. Rayburn waiting for me and I sat down to read what she had written.

Shelly Rayburn turned out to be interested in what Emerging Butterfly had to offer. She was surprised to have been approached by a publisher and though she loved being indie, she was willing to sign with us.

I replied straight away.

We were offering indie authors that signed with us a pretty good deal but I knew from the industry that indies have their pride, as does anyone. Some were pretty adamant they would remain indie, and some were only too happy to sign with a publisher. The thing about this industry, in my opinion, is there are too many people that put up a divide between “indie authors” and “traditionally published authors.” I personally feel this is a very bad thing.

If you ask me, authors shouldn’t have to fight amongst themselves, indies shouldn’t have to fight to make themselves heard and readers shouldn’t ever overlook a book purely because it’s by an indie author. There is a stigma attached whereby some people feel that just because you write something doesn’t mean you should publish it. I don’t share this view. Okay, so if I were to write a book and it was absolutely awful, I shouldn’t publish it, but not because of any stigma, more so because it wouldn’t sell. But if you pour your heart and soul into a book, you love it and really want to share it with the world, then why shouldn’t you be able to?

This was my new job, to convince authors to publish with us and let us get their book out there, to convince them we can promote them and get their names on the lips of readers and reviewers. Emerging Butterfly helps promote books by using bloggers to do cover reveals and release day blitzes, as well as blog tours and reviews. EBPH even set up signings in bookstores where possible.

I was busy reading another book, Desolate by Sam Downing. It was a gripping dystopian novel and I was lost in the world Sam had created.

A knock on my door pulled me out of the book and at the same time, my tummy rumbled, signalling lunch time.

Lexi stood at my door with a smile on her face.

“I thought you might need showing to the canteen. I know it can be a bit daunting and easy to get lost around this building at first. I was the same when I started here last year.”

“Thanks. I’m starving.” I smiled her way before grabbing my bag from the bottom drawer of my desk.

“Well, I thought we could sit together if you like. I know you don’t really know anyone and I know how that feels. Not that I mean it to sound like I only offer out of pity, of course.”

I couldn’t help the small laugh that escaped my lips. Lexi really was sweet and I thought we might just become good friends.

“I’d love to sit together,” I said cheerily.

***

My first day over and done with, I stood outside the office and pulled out my iPhone to call a cab.

“Can I give you a lift somewhere?” came a familiar voice.

“Oh no, I wouldn’t want to put you out. Thanks though,” I called back.

“I might just be headed your way, you don’t know yet,” came that voice, but from beside me this time.

I don’t know how he snuck up on me but it was eerie the way I hadn’t noticed him close the distance.

“It’s okay, I’m about to call a cab.” I began to dial the number on my phone before it was taken from my hand.

“You might not need them yet, just tell me where you’re going,” Chase said as he held my phone out of my reach.

I really didn’t want to admit to living in the shithole bedsit that my landlord Graham had lumbered me with.

“Umm…I’m going to the store. Don’t worry about me.”

I tried reaching for my phone but he backed off, making it harder to reach.

“Which store?”

He really was persistent and I don’t even know why. Maybe he was this friendly with everyone but I didn’t need anyone doing me favours. I could get by on my own. It would be so much better when the sale of my old house went through and I could buy myself a car. I don’t want anything special, just something to get me from A to B.

“It’s Dylan’s Hardware.”

“Oh, that’s actually right by my house. I live by the pub just up the road from Dylan’s.”

I wondered if he was telling the truth but if he was willing to give me a lift, it would save me paying for a cab.

“Well, if you can drop me off at Dylan’s, I’m meeting Clark after work.”

“Clark Dylan?” he asked, sounding a little surprised.

“Yeah, why? Do you know him?”

“I went to school with him. Nice guy. Still see him from time to time when I pop in the store or if he’s up for training.”

“Training for what?”

“Oh, I mean the gym. We get together sometimes to work-out.”

I don’t know how I’d missed it before but looking at Chase now, I could see a toned body and his work shirt fit snugly around the tops of his arms. He was well built from the looks of it and I could begrudgingly admit to his good looks. He had short brown hair that looked like he’d just run his fingers through it and green eyes that had these little flecks of gold. You could only see the latter by looking him over closely, which is what I was doing.

“Oh I see. Clark has never mentioned the gym, but then I’ve only lived here a few weeks.”

“We haven’t been in about six weeks. It’s time we started going again. I stopped because I went away for a while. My grandma was poorly and I went home to take care of her.”

“Oh I’m sorry to hear that. Where’s home? I hope your grandma is better now.”

“She’s much better, thank you. Home is Brazil.”

No wonder he had that perma-tan look. The accent was also explained. He was obviously good with his English, but he had a slight accent that said maybe he moved here some time ago.

I didn’t want to turn down the offer of a lift. Not because I was attracted to Chase, but because money was really tight and having to pay for a cab to and from work every day was dipping into my ever-decreasing savings. I really needed the house to sell. I could put a down payment on a nicer place to live and buy a little car to get around. Life would be so much easier. But for now, cabs would have to be my transport. Buses are infrequent around these parts and there isn’t one that goes past Emerging Butterfly. The closest would still leave me with a walk to work.

“Brazil? Wow. That’s one place I have always wanted to visit,” I said as I looked into Chase’s eyes.

“Well, I’ll tell you about it if you agree to that lift,” he said as he lifted one corner of his mouth, causing a dimple to appear.

“Okay, thank you.”

I smiled as he handed me my phone. I felt a little jolt as he touched my hand, his skin was just as smooth to the touch as it looked. I shouldn’t be looking, but it’s hard when someone is as undeniably attractive as Chase.

Thoughts of attraction squashed to the back of my mind, I got into Chase’s convertible and let him take me to Dylan’s Hardware so that I could meet up with Clark.

***

Chase pulled up, cut the engine and came round to open my door. Who said men can’t be chivalrous in this day and age?

He opened the door and offered a hand to help me exit the car. I took his outstretched hand and stood up. Chase hadn’t backed away and the vibe I was getting from being this close to his body suggested there could be something between us, if only I would allow it.

I shook my head to clear those thoughts away. Thoughts like that had no place in my mind right now.

“Thanks for the lift, Chase.”

“You’re welcome, Alyssa.”

I stepped away from the car and onto the kerb in front of the store.

“Say hey to Clark for me.”

“Why don’t you come in and say hi?”

I didn’t know why I was inviting him in. It wasn’t like Clark and I had plans to do anything after work, but it wasn’t like I could tell Chase the real reason I had him drop me off here instead of home.

“I thought you two had plans?

“We do but the store doesn’t shut for another twenty minutes.”

Chase followed behind me into Clark’s store and the bell chimed over our heads as I opened the door.

“Hey Clark!” I greeted as I walked in and saw him sitting on a stool behind the counter.

“Hey Alyssa, wasn’t expecting to see you today,” he greeted, dropping me right in it with Chase.

“We’re going out when you shut up shop, Clark. How could you forget? We only talked about it yesterday?” I winked at him slyly, hoping he’d get the silent message to back me up.

“Oh…umm…sorry, it slipped my mind. Hey Chase, my man!” he said as he stood and offered Chase a hand to shake.

“Oh Clark, what are you like?” I flashed him a grateful smile for covering for me and hopped up on the counter.

“So how do you guys know each other?” Clark asked as he went about his routine of cashing the register ready to leave for the night.

“We work together,” Chase said with that scintillating hint of an accent.

“Oh really?” Clark asked in obvious surprise.

In my defence, it was my first day at the office, so it wasn’t as if I’d had a chance to tell Clark anything yet.

“Yes, Chase saw me about to call for a cab, but it turned out he was coming this way so he offered me a lift.”

“Cool. It’s good seeing you, Chase. How’s your grandma?”

“She’s doing better, man. She was really poorly there for a while, we weren’t sure if she would make it.”

“I’m sorry to hear that, man, but at least she’s on the mend now, right?”

“Yeah, she’s much stronger.”

I silently watched the exchange between the two and smiled to myself. The two seemed at ease with each other and it was good to see Clark interacting with people other than me. In my relatively short time here, I hadn’t seen many of Clark’s other friends.

Chapter Five

After Chase left the store, Clark and I went back to mine for take-out. He said we had to celebrate my first day at work and I was paying because he had covered for me with Chase.

“So why did I need to cover for you with Chase back there?” Clark asked in what I had come to think of as his prying without wanting to seem like prying tone.

“I just didn’t want to admit where I lived.” I sighed as I tucked into my third slice of pizza.

“Oh!” I could tell he was disappointed by the tone of his voice and the wistful sigh that followed.

“Why? Were you hoping it was something else?” I didn’t know why I was allowing myself to get into this with him.

“Well, you know, I just thought…Never mind.”

“No, come on. Tell me what’s on your mind?”

“Well, you’ve been here a while now and you haven’t met anyone.”

“I’ve met you!”

“That’s not what I mean. You don’t want to date me.”

“How do you know that?” I laughed and nearly choked on my pizza.

“Well, your reaction there for a start. But, you know, we’re friends…”

“I guess I haven’t really been anywhere to meet anyone other than you.”

I picked at the anchovies on the next slice of pizza. I wasn’t sure what to say to Clark. He was becoming a close friend but I didn’t want to discuss Ethan. Yet without discussing Ethan, I couldn’t clearly explain why I didn’t want to date.

“Well, we could change that. We could go out on the town.”

“Don’t get me wrong, Clark, but I’m a little old for that kind of scene now.”

“Old? Don’t be daft!” he snorted.

“I’m twenty-seven years old, for goodness sake, Clark. I’m too old for clubbing or whatever.”

“I never said it had to be clubbing. But if you don’t want to, Grandma, that’s fine by me.”

“Hey!” I exclaimed as I threw an anchovy his way.

“Hey yourself!” He threw my anchovy back, followed by a piece of mushroom.

From there, it devolved into a food fight and it looked like we were both wearing more than we had eaten.

After clearing up after our impromptu food fight, Clark crashed on the couch that night. I draped a blanket over him and then I got into bed. I lay there thinking I had dodged the bullet this time, but I would need to come clean soon. If Clark really was becoming a close friend, he might be mad that I felt unable to confide in him.

***

After a good night’s sleep, I got up early to get ready to go to work. Clark was still fast asleep as I tip-toed around trying to be as quiet as I could.

“Hey sleepyhead, I don’t know about you, but I have to get to work,” I whispered as I kneeled next to the couch.

“Oh, hey, yeah…” Clark trailed off sleepily.

“Well, my cab will be here any second, just get yourself ready, help yourself to a coffee or whatever and make sure to shut up tight when you leave.”

“Sure…thanks.” He was clearly still half asleep and I wasn’t sure what time that meant he’d be opening the store, but I didn’t have time for any of that to matter, I didn’t want to be late to work myself.

The morning flew by as I read the rest of Desolate, a dystopian novel that I was in the process of trying to acquire.

A knock at the door had me slightly startled as I lifted my vision from the book. I looked up expecting to see Lexi, but was shocked to see those gorgeous eyes I had been looking into yesterday.

“Hey, Alyssa, I thought maybe you would like to grab lunch?” Chase asked, smiling at me as he leant against the doorjamb.

“Umm...” I wasn’t sure how to say no to that beautiful gaze. I didn’t want him to take me saying yes as me being interested in him, but I also didn’t want to turn his offer down and seem unsociable. I realised he was still waiting patiently for my answer and I smiled at him as I placed a bookmark in the manuscript and stood from my desk.

“That would be nice,” I said, smiling at him as I strode across the office.

“Great. There’s a lovely little place just around the corner from here.”

His smile was disarming. I sighed quietly, taking in his handsome features.

“Great,” I said, coming to join him in the doorway.

He made a sweeping motion with his arm for me to exit my office first. I couldn’t help but be pleased someone was so considerate. I knew next to nothing about Chase, but from what I gathered, he was chivalrous and kind. He was obviously very close to his family too if he had flown back to Brazil to be was his grandma while she was ill.

We made our way out of the office and across the car park to Chase’s convertible. I knew next to nothing about cars but this one was a beauty. It was dark red and gleamed in the glorious sunshine.

Chase stood and held the passenger door open for me.

“Thank you,” I said as I buckled myself in.

“You’re welcome.”

Chase got in the car and started the engine. It purred like a kitten and I imagined myself behind the wheel of such a vehicle. I didn’t think it was the right fit for me but it suited Chase down to the ground.

“So, where is it we’re going for lunch?” I asked as he pulled out of the parking lot.

“It’s a surprise.”

Chase’s eyes flashed at me before looking back to the road. I looked at his profile for a moment, thinking that he looked good behind the wheel.

“A surprise? Okay.”

We drove in relative silence, but surprisingly not an uncomfortable one. After a few minutes, we arrived in front of a beautiful little pub. Ivy grew up and around the front door, framing it beautifully.

“Here we are,” Chase’s voice broke into my thoughts.

He got out of the car and came to open my door. I exited the car and stood, smoothing my skirt and running a hand through my long red hair. The top had been down on the journey and my hair probably resembled a bird’s nest for all I knew.

Chase led the way to the door of the pub and held the door open for me to pass.

I walked into the dim passageway that led to the bar. There were pictures on the wall and it looked like a family run place from what I saw in the photos.

The passageway opened up into a light and airy space that was cosy and welcoming. One wall held the bar and I could see a petite blonde with a smile on her face. She radiated friendliness and I could see she was familiar with Chase with the way she greeted him.

“Chase!” she exclaimed as she pulled up the end of the bar and ran to his arms.

I felt a pang of jealousy before I sternly reminded myself that he wasn’t mine and I had no right to feel anything. Disappointment followed the jealousy and I struggled to maintain the smile on my face as Chase introduced me to Emily.

“Hi,” I said, outstretching my hand for her to shake.

She shook my hand and beamed a gorgeous smile my way as she breezed back over to the bar. “What can I get you guys?”

Even her voice was beautiful. Looking her over, her flowing blonde hair and startling blue eyes made her look innocent and sweet. The smile she gave Chase indicated something else under the sweetness, but I couldn’t place what.

“I’ll take a bottle of Desperados please, Em,” Chase said as he looked at me, waiting for me to decide on a drink.

“Just a diet Coke for me, thanks,” I said politely as I looked around the room for a sign to indicate where the restrooms were.

“They’re just over there, sweetie,” Emily said, pointing to the side of the room.

“Oh, thank you.”

I made my way in the direction she pointed and found the restrooms nestled to the far side of the room. I walked down the short corridor and found the ladies on my left.

I walked into a stall and put the lid down, taking a seat for a moment. I locked the door, even though there were no more patrons in the bar that would come in and disturb my peace.

I sat and took a few deep breaths. What was it that was bothering me? How could I be so flustered around Chase? Why did Emily’s friendliness towards him bother me so? I had no right to feel the slight burn in my chest that I had felt upon seeing the way they were interacting.

I stood and unlocked the door. I made my way to the mirror and ran my hands through my hair. It didn’t look as dishevelled as I had imagined. I opened my bag and took out my brush and lip-gloss. After brushing my hair and applying a fresh coat of gloss, I looked at myself once more and resolved to feel nothing. I would walk back out to that bar, take a seat with Chase, and not let anything affect me.

A couple more deep breaths and I was ready to go.

“…the most amazing green eyes I have ever seen,” I heard as I walked back to the bar.

Emily cleared her throat and Chase was instantly silent. Had they been talking about me? Why my brain immediately skipped to that conclusion, I couldn’t say. All I knew was I had green eyes and they had shut up pretty fast at my approach. Should I be intrigued about what they had been saying? Intrigued, or maybe a little annoyed that they couldn’t say things in front of me—waiting until someone’s back is turned is a sure sign of saying things you wouldn’t be comfortable with them hearing.

Chase turned toward me and smiled.

“Ready to look at the menu?” he asked as he carried our drinks to a nearby table.

“Sure,” I said as I followed him and took a seat.

We ordered our food and Emily brought it out to us not too long later. I made sure to order something I couldn’t make a mess with. I have always been uncomfortable eating in front of strangers.

“That salad looks nice,” Chase said before taking a bite of the bacon cheeseburger he had ordered.

“It’s very good,” I said as I reached for my drink.

I took a sip of my diet coke and went back to my chicken salad.

“So, Emily’s nice, huh?” Chase asked as he sipped his lager.

“Very. She’s beautiful too. I can see why you’d like her.”

Why on Earth did I say that? It made me sound pathetic.

“I have to like her, she’s engaged to my cousin, Parker. But I do like her anyway, she has a very amiable nature.”

“Oh!” I couldn’t disguise the happy lilt in my voice.

“Yeah, Parker is the landlord here. My parents helped him buy The Mermaid Inn a few years ago. It was very run down when he acquired it at auction. He got it at a good price, gutted it, and remodelled it. He wasn’t sure if he would end up keeping it or flipping it for a good price.”

“Parker is your cousin, you say?”

“Yeah. He’s my mother’s sister’s son. My aunt and uncle died in a car accident when we were young and so my parents took him in. He’s more like a brother to me really, even changed his surname when my mother married my step-father.”

“Wow.”

I didn’t know what to say to that. Chase was very forthcoming and it seemed that what I had detected from Emily earlier was wrong.

“It’s okay, not many people know what to say when I tell them,” Chase said as he reached for another swig of his lager.

“It’s not that, I was just thinking how sad it must have been,” I answered while internally chastising myself for making assumptions.

“It was. Their death hit him really hard. He was only eight. I was twelve. We’d always been close, always will be. I sort of took him under my wing and my parents very nearly adopted him but he didn’t want them to officially adopt him because he felt it would erase all trace of his parents. But when we moved over here, he changed his surname legally to Williams to be like us because he didn’t want to stand out at school.”

“That’s so…” I didn’t know what to say so I took another sip of my drink and left the sentence unfinished.

“Parker eventually moved out a few years after I did, got himself a job, and found Em. It was that kind of insta-love that had them quickly moving in together and getting engaged. She’s actually twelve weeks pregnant with their first child,” Chase said before taking a big bite of his burger.

“Wow. That’s great.” I smiled as I took another bite of my salad, clearing my plate.

Chase smiled at me and waved Emily over to order another drink.

“Hi, guys, what can I get you?” Emily asked as she picked up my empty plate.

“A Coke for me, please, Em. Would you like another drink, Alyssa?”

“Another diet Coke, please.” I smiled widely at Emily, my earlier feelings forgotten.

“Sure thing,” she said as she walked back to the bar.

Chase finished his lunch and Emily cleared his plate when she returned with our drinks.

We spent another half an hour in the pub, talking more about Chase’s family.

The good thing about working for emerging Butterfly was that your lunch hour wasn’t necessarily confined to an hour, they weren’t that strict as long as you made up any extra time at the end of the day.

We made our way back to work in the beautiful afternoon sun. The wind felt good in my hair and I had an overall feeling of happiness. Chase had been good company and it was always good to make new friends, which is what I felt he now was.

Chapter Six

That evening, safely back at home, I decided to take a bath and get an early night. A knock at my front door had me changing course.

“Hey!” Clark greeted as I opened the door.

“Oh hey!” I said as I stepped aside to let him in.

Clark sat on the small couch and waited for me to join him.

“I hear you had lunch with Chase today,” he said without preamble.

“I did.”

I knew Chase must have been the one to tell Clark, what I didn’t know was why he would have told him.

“And?” he asked, pausing for me to give him all the gossip.

“We went to Parker’s pub, ate lunch, and returned to work. No big deal.”

“No big deal? Come off it! Chase is a heartthrob around here, all the girls want to date him.”

“Really? Then he should be a pretty happy guy,” I said as I stood and went to the kitchen.

“You’re single and gorgeous. Chase is single and a hell of a good looking guy. You’d make such a hot couple,” Clark called after me.

“Can we just drop it please, Clark? I can’t date a colleague.”

I hoped he’d buy my excuse, but knowing Clark, he would pester me regardless.

“Is that a rule at work or just a personal rule?” he asked from right behind me, startling me as he did so.

“A personal one. Please, Clark, I wanted a bath and an early night, not the Spanish Inquisition. Lunch was nice, Chase is a nice guy, but nothing more than friendship can come of it. Okay?”

“Okay,” he said and retreated to the couch.

I made us a hot drink and returned to sit next to him.

We talked about what I had thought of the pub and of Emily. I didn’t admit how she had made me feel. Clark is like a dog with a bone and I knew admitting those kind of feelings was contrary to my make believe rule of not dating a colleague.

Clark left me to get a bath and an early night.

I had never been so glad to get into bed and have the day over with. I closed my eyes and let sleep take me.

I have loved you all my life, or at least it feels that way. I can still remember the carefree teenagers we used to be before this disease took over me. We were young and inseparable, our love was what bound us together. You were strong, beautiful, innocent…there was something about you that I fell for the moment I saw you across the football field. I saw you with your friends, sitting there without a care in the world. You were the most beautiful girl on the planet, with your glossy red hair that bounced in the breeze and your emerald green eyes that reflected the sun’s rays. Alyssa, you couldn’t have been more perfect. You completed me in a way I hadn’t realised I was missing out on before.

As I sit here, I can recall our first date as though it was yesterday. We were at Benny’s and you twirled your hair round your finger as you popped bubbles with your gum. I took you home and it took us forty-five minutes to kiss goodnight on the front porch. I didn’t tell you that night, but I started falling in love with you from the moment you agreed to come on a date, and I never stopped falling in love with you every single day until the end.

I woke with tears in my eyes and a pain in my heart. My sheets were soaked with sweat and my legs were tangled in them. I thought I might stop having these nightmares but it seems they are inescapable.

I untangled my legs and stood from my bed. I walked to the cabinet in the kitchen and reached for a glass. I turned the cold tap on and let it run for a few moments before filling my glass.

I moved to a drawer in my bedroom and reached for a box I hadn’t looked in for a long time.

Nestled in the velvet box was the reason I couldn’t move on. The beautiful square diamond set in the white gold solitaire ring and the plain white gold band that had been placed on my finger…It seemed so long ago, but in the same moment it felt like only yesterday.

I had buried Ethan wearing the matching plain band.

I closed the box and returned it to my drawer. I took a gulp of the cold water and opened the next drawer in the dresser. I reached for a box that I reserve for moments like this one. I took a cigarette and the lighter, moving over to the window as I did so and lit my cigarette.

I opened the window and sat on the windowsill, looking at the full moon as I drew on the cigarette in my mouth. A filthy habit, I know, but I tried telling myself it was okay because it was only for comfort after the nightmares.

My thoughts turned to life before I had moved. Life had been pretty great from the moment I had met Ethan. It wasn’t until he got sick that life had taken a drastic turn. Our lives had been turned upside down and inside out. The day of the diagnosis marked the beginning of the end, we just didn’t know how soon the end would approach.

Ethan had made sure we lived life to the fullest. We packed so much into such a short space of time. Because he didn’t know when the end would be, he said we were to embrace each day as if it were the last. We skydived, bungee-jumped, ran a half-marathon; things we never would have done if it weren’t for Ethan’s illness. But everything we did was tinged with a sadness of knowing that Ethan was making sure he did as much as he could while his body was still capable. They were bittersweet memories in the making.

I finished my cigarette and closed the window. I put my glass in the sink and returned to bed, reaching into the drawer for a sleeping pill. The doctor had prescribed them before I had moved across the country. I had needed them more in the beginning because they stopped my mind from whirring and allowed me to get at least a few hours of sleep. Now I only needed them when I had the nightmares.

Chapter Seven

I arrived at work the next day feeling tired and glum. I wasn’t watching where I was going and bumped straight into Chase.

“Good morning,” he said brightly as he put his arm out to stop me falling flat on the floor.

“Good morning,” I replied, nowhere near as brightly.

“Rough night?” he asked as he looked at me standing there like a dork.

“Do I look that bad?” I asked, worried I had forgotten to comb my hair or something.

“No, of course not. You are beautiful as always. I was referring to your glum tone.”

“Oh,” was all I could say as I took in his incredible appearance.

He was dressed in a navy blue suit and a crisp white shirt with a pinstripe tie. His hair was neatly styled and he looked every inch the male model.

Breaking out of my impromptu bout of rudely staring at the guy, I cleared my throat before speaking. “I just didn’t sleep well, I’m over-tired.”

“Oh, well, you should really get an early night tonight then.” Chase smiled at me.

“I probably should,” I remarked as I stifled a yawn.

“Let me get you a coffee,” Chase said as he slipped away.

I didn’t know whether to stay standing in the doorway or go to my office. I decided on the latter and put my stuff down on my desk. I used my key-card to log in to my computer and sat waiting for Chase to appear with my caffeine boost.

As if on cue, Chase appeared in my doorway and cleared his throat behind me to announce his arrival.

I turned to see him leaning against the doorframe with a cup in each hand.

“The cavalry is here,” he remarked as he stepped into my office and set my coffee down on my desk.

“Thanks,” I said as I took the cup and almost inhaled half its contents in one go.

“You’re most welcome.” He winked at me before perching on the edge of my desk.

“I think I could do with getting a larger cup,” I said as I drained the rest of my coffee.

Chase offered me his own cup and I offered him a grateful smile as I drank half of his coffee.

“I should let you get to work.” Chase slipped off my desk and smiled at me.

“Thank you for the coffees. I really needed the boost this morning!”

“Glad I could be of service,” he said as he turned around in my doorway.

I smiled up at him and noticed how much smarter he looked than normal. I hadn’t realised it before, even though I had been staring at him. I’ve seen him in a shirt and tie but never the full suit.

“Something special occurring today?” I asked before he could leave.

“It’s my interview for the editor-in-chief position.”

“Oh wow, I didn’t know you had to interview. I really thought they’d just give you the job, I mean, you’re the best editor here.”

I saw a slight blush across his cheeks at my compliment.

“Thanks. They had to advertise the job to anyone who wants to apply. They’ve said they want it to be as fair as possible. We have six editors here and everyone has applied. I don’t really think I stand a chance but I have to go in there with an air of confidence in myself even if I’m not feeling it.”

I looked him up and down and he seemed to fidget under the scrutiny.

“You’ll breeze it, Chase. The editors here are all good but it’s you that everyone seems to want to edit their books.”

“Thanks. Hopefully you’re right,” he said as he turned to leave.

“Good luck!” I called out to him as he crossed the threshold.

I went through my emails and replied to anything marked as urgent before getting my Kindle out and downloading the latest indie book I was going to try to sign.

***

That afternoon, Chase came by my office and invited me out to lunch. I had been so engrossed in the book I had been reading that his knock on the door half scared the wits out of me.

“So, how do you think you did in your interview?” I asked as I took a fry from the basket on the table in the pub.

“Oh I don’t know. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see. The questions they asked weren’t hard to answer but we have some talented editors at Emerging Butterfly and…well…” he dipped a fry in some ketchup before putting it in his mouth, leaving his sentence unfinished.

“And what? You’re the most talented at what you do, you have it in the bag!” I exclaimed a little too loudly.

Chase smiled the first genuine smile I had seen since before his interview and I couldn’t help but notice how his eyes sparkled and the dimple in his one cheek showed.

“Thanks, but you’re just being biased and too kind.”

“I’m not biased.” I tried to hide the smile emerging on my face.

“Yes, you are,” Chase said, playfully punching my arm as he made for a handful of fries.

“Okay, so maybe I am a little. But seriously, all the clients like to have you edit their books. Why do you think you have a higher workload than most of the editors?”

“Because we have more clients in a particular genre,” he said as he crammed the fries in his mouth.

He’d got me there. Just lately we seemed to have an influx of dystopian novels as well as sci-fi and a couple of other genres in Chase’s repertoire. But that didn’t stop me thinking of him as our best editor.

“Okay, you’re a crap editor and you won’t get the job. Is that any better?” I asked then proceeded to snort—undignified, I know, but it was funny.

“That’s much better!” Chase asked as he waved Em over to order another drink.

“Oh good, I was afraid the truth would hurt your feelings.” I giggled as I picked at the leftover fries.

“The truth will always out,” Chase teased as Em walked our way.

“What’ll it be guys?” she asked in her ever-chipper tone.

“A Coke for me and a diet Coke for the lady, please, Em,” Chase ordered for us.

“Sure thing. Give me two minutes,” she said and dashed off to pour our drinks.

“Truthfully, Chase, you shouldn’t be down on yourself. I won’t mention it anymore until you find out whether you got the job or not, but I’m keeping my fingers crossed for you,” I said as I finished the last of my diet Coke.

“Thanks,” he replied as Em walked our way, drinks in hand.

“There you go, guys. You wanting any dessert?”

“Not for me, thank you,” Chase replied, then looked at me.

“I’ll have a slice of cherry pie with whipped cream, please, Em,” I said, giving her a bright smile.

“You eat like a man and yet you have a great figure,” Chase said and I blushed right down to my toes.

“I’ll take that as a compliment.”

“You should! You eat more than Clark and that boy can really put it away. Yet, here you are with a slender figure, curves in all the right places, and not an ounce of fat on you.”

Now I really was blushing. Chase had been kind to me, but he had never offered such outright compliments.

Luckily Em walked back to the table with my pie at that moment, saving me any more embarrassment.

I ate in silence but could feel Chase’s eyes drift over me. I had chosen to wear a skirt and my stilettos gave my legs that look of being a bit longer than they really are. I had painted my toenails purple, not that I expected Chase to notice or care—I was just glad I wasn’t sporting chipped nail varnish, or worse, none at all.

I offered Chase some of my pie and saw the slight glint in his eye as he stole the spoon from my hand and helped himself to a mouthful of my pie and cream.

We finished our drinks, paid Em, and left the pub.

We walked over to Chase’s sleek dark red convertible and he opened the door for me like a true gentleman. I got in the car, pulling my seatbelt around me and settling into place as he got in the drivers’ side.

The drive back to work was quiet. Chase didn’t say anything and I didn’t feel the need to fill the silence. Unlike some silences, it wasn’t tense, it was quite pleasant. I liked that I didn’t have to feel uncomfortable around him. It was good to make new friends. And that’s all he was, all he could ever be. Ethan was my one true love and I would never replace him.

***

By the time home-time rolled round that day, I was more than ready to leave. I had been in talks with the author I had just finished reading that day. To say she was stubborn was an understatement.

My boss had wanted me to acquire this book in particular, as per her email that morning, but I wasn’t getting anywhere fast. The author, Jennifer, wanted the moon and the stars in exchange for rights to her book. Unfortunately, the moon and stars weren’t mine to give, or else I would have wrapped them all up in a bow and presented them to her.

I had emailed her with what we could offer; firstly she would have her book published by us, secondly she would receive a decent percentage of the royalties, then there were the extra things that Emerging Butterfly did for our authors. We arranged cover reveals, blog tours, interviews, guest posts, anything that could help spread the word around. We had a marketing team and they managed everything. But Jennifer just wouldn’t say yes.

I ended up with the headache from hell, and to make matters worse, it was raining and I didn’t have my umbrella while I waited for my cab. I could have waited just inside the lobby but I needed a breath of fresh air, even if I did end up wet through.

“The cavalry to the rescue again, milady,” a voice said behind me as an umbrella came up over my head.

“Thanks, Chase. I’m just waiting for my cab home. Trust me to think the weather would hold out all day and I wouldn’t need my umbrella.”

I shivered just a little and Chase told me to take hold of the umbrella. I wondered what he was doing until he draped his suit jacket around my shoulders.

“Thanks.” I smiled at him.

I caught his gaze and there was something indescribable in his eyes. It scared me a little that his gaze penetrated my self-imposed force-field and made a little pool of warmth in my abdomen.

I abandoned his gaze and instead looked at the sky as if that might make the rain cease and cool the fire inside my body.

“I could always give you a ride home,” Chase offered.

“Thanks but I already have a cab on the way.” I glanced at him and again got trapped by his beautiful green eyes.

I forced my gaze onto something beyond Chase as he stood there waiting with me for a few minutes until my cab arrived.

I thanked him for the use of his jacket and umbrella and it wasn’t until I was safely tucked away in the cab that I took a really good hard look at Chase. Lean muscles, a shirt that clung to his frame like it was a second skin, long legs that seemed muscular as far as I could tell. He really was model material. Shame I only had space in my life and in my heart for one man.

I got home and let myself inside quickly before getting too wet.

I walked into the bathroom, put the plug in the tub, and then turned on the faucets. I poured in some bath salts and started to strip down to my underwear.

I heard the knock at the door in the dim recess of my mind before it fully registered that it was my door someone was knocking on. I grabbed my robe from the back of the bathroom door, tied it around me, and went to the front door.

“Yes?” I snapped out a little harsher than I intended at the unexpected visitor.

“Is this a bad time, darling?” her voice drawled. It had always seemed endearing to me as a child but as a teenager, I had learned to hate that sound more than any other. She was usually shouting at me for no good reason—or none that I could ever see.

“Mother!” I exclaimed, surprised to see her here on my doorstep.

“Well? Aren’t you going to invite me in?”

“Of course!”

I stepped aside and let my mother in. I love my mother dearly but to have her here was not going to be the most pleasant experience.

Chapter Eight

My week was going downhill fast. My mother, Laura, had done nothing but complain. Where I was living wasn’t up to her standards—well, that one was obvious—I hated the place but needed the money from the sale of the house. She had cleaned from top to bottom. I tried telling her I had done it all when I moved in but that wasn’t good enough for her. I cleaned every day after work and nothing was dirty but my mother suffers from mild OCD and her compulsion is to clean.

I let her have at it. After all, it would keep her too busy to do much talking or complaining. Or so I thought.

Friday rolled around and as usual, it was my night-in with Clark.

I tried telling Mom that Clark was just a friend but as soon as he arrived, she grilled him about his “intentions” towards her daughter.

I was going to cancel and see him another night but Mom had insisted I shouldn’t change my plans because of her arrival.

Clark brought Legion as our DVD and chose to order Chinese takeaway.

We couldn’t really sit in one room to watch it while Mom sat in another because I only had the one room, so Mom and I shared the couch while Clark settled down on the floor by my legs.

It was a pretty good film although I wasn’t sure I liked the ending.

Mom had fallen asleep next to me, which I’m sure Clark was more than happy about considering the way she had questioned him when he arrived.

As the credits rolled, Mom stirred and shot me a look when she saw Clark had his head on my lap—it wasn’t really on my lap as such, just resting slightly against me—but it was enough for her to start to wonder if we had been lying about only being friends.

I shook my head slightly at her, silently pleading with her not to prod any further. When I got her alone, I would tell her that no-one would ever replace Ethan, but I didn’t want to talk about him in front of Clark.

“So, darling, how has it been since moving?” she asked in her usual—what I refer to as—motherly drawl.

“Well, I have a good job but I would prefer to find a new place to live once I get the money. I have met a couple of nice friends and the area seems nice.”

“The sale of the house should be complete any day now.” She smiled at me as if to say thank goodness.

“Well, that’s great. I can’t wait to get a decent place.” I perked up a little, knowing the money would get me out of this shithole.

“You’ll stay in this area though, won’t you?” Clark asked, sounding a little bothered that I might not be so close to him anymore.

“She’ll probably want to move to a nicer area,” my mother said to Clark.

“What’s wrong with Brockwood?” he asked, looking a bit taken aback.

“Nothing dear, it’s just…well…it’s so…” It didn’t seem as though she knew a polite word to insert.

Delicate was not Laura Jenson’s forte. Never had been and never would be.

“It’s so what?” Clark asked, looking between my mother and me.

“Well, it seems like one of the rougher neighbourhoods.”

“Mother!” I admonished. “There’s nothing wrong with Brockwood and if there’s a nice house round here to buy, then this is where I’ll stay.”

“Oh darling, you should move somewhere with a bit more class.”

Clark looked at my mother and I could see the hurt written on his face. He had lived here since childhood and this was where his business was.

“A bit more class?” I asked, frustrated with how rude she could be.

“Yes. Somewhere that you’ll have a better class of people. You can make new friends, get a new job…”

“Mother! How dare you!”

“Pardon, dear? Is that not what you want? To have a career and a nice home? You should aspire to greater heights. I mean, I know you moved here because this place was cheap, but money won’t be an issue once the house sells.”

“Actually, I happen to love this area. I’ve made friends. I have a perfectly good job. I don’t think you have any right to judge, based on the fact that you have only been here five minutes and you haven’t even been anywhere in Brockwood except for here. Yes, this place itself is a shithole, but once I buy a nice house and car, I’ll be set here. I’m staying and nothing you say will change my mind. I’m a grown ass woman who can make decisions for herself, thank you very much.”

Why do mothers always think they know best? Who was she to try making my decisions for me?

Just when I was sure I couldn’t take anymore and it couldn’t get much worse, she went in for the kill.

“You lived in a much nicer area and had a beautiful house, money, clothes—everything a girl could want when you were married, Alyssa. Why wouldn’t you want the same now?”

“Mother!” I exclaimed. “How dare you. I had everything I wanted, did I? I will have you know that I would gladly have given all that up to have just one more minute with Ethan. In fact, I did. I sold everything we owned to pay his hospital bills. Now I’m selling my home because I have nothing left.”

I could see the confusion on Clark’s face. I hadn’t told him about Ethan or the fact that I had been married and was now a widow.

It wasn’t that I didn’t want him to know, it was just that it was still so fresh and painful that I liked being in the company of people who didn’t know. It was why I had moved so far away from home in the first place. People who knew treated me differently, they walked on eggshells around me. That wasn’t what I wanted. I had needed this fresh start to have the chance to be me. Back home, I couldn’t be myself anymore. Everywhere I went, everyone knew about Ethan and all I could see in their eyes was pity. Pity was not something I wanted, nor needed.

“But Alyssa, you had it all. Now, here you are in this dump and what? You feel better?”

“Yes, Mother, I feel better. I moved away to start fresh. I wanted to be somewhere that I didn’t know, somewhere I was free to be myself again. Back home, all the buildings reminded me of Ethan and the time we shared. The people all pitied the young widow whose husband had been so poorly for so long. Here, no-one knows my story and I like it that way.”

“But you had friends back home, Alyssa. You had family. You up and left us all to travel hundreds of miles from home. You can’t escape the memories just because you live somewhere new and choose not to tell people your story. People can’t be your friends if they don’t know everything about you. You’re living a lie.”

“That’s quite enough, Mother. Now if you don’t mind, I’d like for you to leave.”

“At this time of night? Just where do you think I would go?”

“I don’t know. All I know is that I need you to get your things together and go. Go to a motel for the night, go home, I don’t care where—you just can’t be here.”

The look of shock written on her face showed that I had, in fact, insulted her. She thought she was trying to help, but all she was doing was making things worse. How dare she travel all this way to see me just to slag off where I was living, my choice of job—a job she knew nothing about because she hadn’t asked—and my choice of friends.

“Fine. I know when I’m not wanted. I’ll find a motel for the night and get back on the road home first thing tomorrow morning. I’ll be sure to mail you the cheque for the house sale, you won’t have to see me again.”

“It’s not like that, Mother!”

I wanted her to know I loved her but not her meddling ways. Now my big mouth had dropped me in it.

“No, no, that’s just fine, Alyssa,” she said, waving her hand around as she always had when she was flustered or annoyed.

She reached for the door handle but Clark stepped in her path.

“I don’t really know what’s gone on here, ladies. I will admit I am confused, but one thing I do know is you don’t just throw family out in the middle of the night in an area they are not accustomed to,” Clark said as he barred my mother’s way out. “You can either settle this like adults now or your mom can stay the night at mine, Alyssa. But whichever it is, you will talk it out tonight or tomorrow.”

“Clark, stay out of this.”

I knew he was only trying to help but my mother was stubborn to the last and she wouldn’t be able to let this go tonight. And as the saying goes ‘like mother, like daughter’—we’re two peas in a pod.

I didn’t want to see my mother leave town like this, but I wouldn’t apologise for what I had said. I had meant every word. What she seemed to fail to understand is that Ethan had meant everything to me and his death had hit me like a sledgehammer to the gut and I didn’t need her bashing me over the head with that right now.

“Fine, she can stay with you if that’s what you want, Clark. I have no intention of talking this out tonight.”

I folded my arms across my chest because my hands were trembling—part of which could be attributed to the anger coursing through my veins and part because of the feeling of loss all over again. I hadn’t expected my mother to bring up Ethan, especially in company, but then a part of that was my own fault because she didn’t know that I hadn’t told Clark.

Technically, neither of us had done anything wrong, it was just that we were both stubborn mules and refused to cave in.

“Mrs. Jenson, would that be okay? Would you be all right stopping with me for the night?” Clark asked as he reached for her arm.

“Yes, thank you, Clark. You’ll have to excuse my stubborn daughter and me. We weren’t always like this, you know,” she said as she reached out and took the crook of his arm.

“No, Mother, we weren’t, and you’d do well to remember that what you are throwing in my face is my past. The past is where it belongs.”

I looked at my mother, the epitome of beauty, but also the epitome of a woman not to be trifled with. The look in her eyes was dull compared to the normal fire you find there. I knew I would have to find some way of making things right with her, but not at this precise moment.

Chapter Nine

After Clark and my mother left, I had gone to bed. I couldn’t be bothered to get undressed so I had slid under the covers in my clothes. I wrapped the blanket around me like a cocoon. Nothing inside it could do me any harm and nothing outside it could penetrate the shield it formed. I snuggled down and prepared to sleep, feeling mentally drained, but sleep was a long time coming. First came the tears. Warm, salty tears tracing paths down my cheeks. Then came the memories. Flashes of Ethan assaulted my mind. It had been like that for an hour or more before I had finally been able to get to sleep.

“I’ll love you forever, Alyssa Jenson,” Ethan said as he got down on one knee.

We had been together for two years, and right from the start I had known he was ‘the one’. I could see myself marrying him, then settling down and having children.

The ring box was Tiffany blue with a white ribbon around it. I felt a smile split my face in half as he undid the ribbon and proffered the box to me—inside was nestled the most beautiful ring I had ever seen.

“Alyssa Rose Jenson, would you do me the honour of becoming my wife?” Ethan asked, his voice straining to hold back tears.

“Yes!” I squealed as he took the ring from the box and placed it on my finger.

It was a perfect fit and I knew that just like the man who placed it on my finger, it was perfect in every way.

“You have made me the happiest man alive!” Ethan exclaimed as he stood and wrapped his arms around me.

I woke from the dream, disoriented at first. It had been so vivid, it was like I could reach out and touch Ethan. What we hadn’t known when we got engaged was that we didn’t have as much time together as we were hoping. We wanted marriage, children, grandchildren, and all the normal things but instead, we got pain, anger, grief and a whole lot of heartache.

I got out of bed and went to the drawer where I kept my engagement and wedding rings. I opened the box and looked at the white gold bands. My heart felt heavy and the beating of it against my chest seemed dull in comparison to normal.

I pulled out the box of cigarettes I kept for nights like this. I opened the window and sat on the windowsill. I pulled a lighter from the box and lit a cigarette. It was a habit I had tried time and again to break and the last time had been successful until Ethan passed away. After that, I started smoking if I woke from a dream or nightmare about him—the kind where it was so tangible I could reach out and caress his cheek.

The bitter wind outside was refreshing on my skin after waking up sweating and tangled in the sheets.

I wished that I hadn’t let my Mother go, but I knew she was safe with Clark. I would make it right with her in the morning, if she would let me.

I put out my cigarette and closed the window. I slid back into bed and it wasn’t long before I drifted back off to sleep, only this time, there were no more dreams about Ethan or the past.

***

Morning arrived and with it came a knock at my front door. I opened it to reveal Clark and my mother brandishing a coffee and a Danish pastry my way.

The hesitant smile on my mother’s face had me reaching out and pulling her to me in a firm but gentle hug.

I didn’t like the thought that I had hurt her in any way, but I couldn’t live my life the way she wanted me to. The past was the past and I wanted a fresh start, but I guess I owed it to my mother to tell her how I felt, and now I owed Clark an explanation because he didn’t have a clue who Ethan was or what my past entailed.

“Good morning, Mother,” I said as I stepped aside to let them in.

“Good morning, Alyssa,” she replied, still a little hesitant.

“Good morning, Clark. Thank you for looking after my mother last night,” I said as I leaned in to kiss him on the cheek.

“It was my pleasure.”

We sat down and made short work of the delicious Danish pastries and coffee. We ate in comfortable silence.

I didn’t really want to have the uncomfortable conversation with Clark while my mother was around so I decided to tread lightly and only answer questions if he asked them.

“I’m sorry about last night, darling,” my mother said as she finished her coffee along with the last bite of her Danish.

“I’m sorry too, Mom. I really shouldn’t have made you stay elsewhere, you are always welcome here. I just thought that with how stubborn we both are, it would have escalated and I didn’t want that.”

“Nor did I, Alyssa. I didn’t mean to start a row with you, I just want what’s best for my little girl. After all you’ve been through, you deserve some happiness. If you can find or have found that happiness here, then it really is none of my business to tell you to uproot yourself once more.”

“Thank you. I really do have a good job and the best friend a girl could ask for,” I said, indicating Clark with a slight nod of my head.

“I’d like to hear more about your job, but first, you should know that your father called me first thing this morning and the sale of the house is complete. The money was in our bank account this morning, so I can either write you a cheque or transfer it straight from our account to yours.”

“That’s wonderful news. Now I can get out of this stupid shithole of a bedsit and into a real house.”

The news was bittersweet. That house had been mine and Ethan’s and was the last thing I had that was ours. But I needed to get away from the walls with all their memories and start somewhere new. I had been looking at houses in the Brockwood area on the internet at work and had seen some really lovely places for sale. Now was my time to get out there and make new memories. Not to replace the old ones, because if I lived in the past, it would only pull me down.

“Well, Clark told me that the market is pretty reasonably priced around here so maybe you can get a nice little cottage or something and a little car so you don’t have to keep getting cabs to and from work.”

“That would be nice. I admit, I shouldn’t have sold the Pontiac but I needed the money for the deposit for somewhere to stay, so it was either a car or a place to sleep at night.”

“Yes, well, now you can look at somewhere bigger and more suitable for your needs. Your father says he intends to come and help you decorate and get you settled.”

“That would be great, Mom. So, do you have to go home today or are you staying a little longer?”

“I’m going today, darling. I can’t really get any more time off work, you know how it is there.”

I was both sad that I wouldn’t get more time with her and yet happy that she was off my case about living in Brockwood.

“Okay, well, would you like to get on the road now to avoid traffic or are you okay to stay until lunch? I can take you to this lovely little pub not too far from here and I can tell you more about my new job.”

“That would be lovely, darling. As long as I’m on the road home after lunchtime that should be fine.”

“Would you like to come with us, Clark, or do you have plans today?”

“I’ll leave you and your mom to catch up, but you and I can get together this evening if you don’t have plans.”

“I’d like that, Clark. I know I owe you an explanation.”

I hadn’t meant to bring it up but it didn’t seem fair to leave him wondering about things.

“We can talk about that later. You don’t owe me anything, but if you want to talk, I’m here to listen.”

That was my best friend for you, non-judgmental.

I got up and hugged Clark and then my mother. They had both been there for me when I needed it and I had been ungrateful. Well, not anymore. I was going to get my life back on track and show the people I love that they really do matter to me.

***

I’m so sorry this has to be the end, my darling. I know finding this letter will tear you apart, but I can’t think of any other way. I hope in the long run you will see that what I did was for the best. I was in so much pain, my sweetheart, I only put a brave face on it for you. Please don’t hate me for taking ‘the coward’s way out’. That isn’t what this feels like for me; it feels like the best decision all-round. It’s finally something I can control—unlike so many other things that have come to pass over this last year. Though I am going to break your heart by doing this, I know it has to be done my way. It has to be on my terms, I can’t take much more of what nature has in store for me.

I woke from yet another dream about Ethan. It seems to be happening more and more lately and I am getting frustrated. These dreams keep me awake into the early hours, usually chased away by a small glass of whiskey and a cigarette. The whiskey is more of a recent development since they seem determined not to go anywhere.

I’m sat on my window ledge smoking my fifth cigarette as I hear my name called quietly. It’s 1 a.m. and I wonder who could be out so late and calling my name. I look out of the window but can’t see anything except the dark, still street, cars parked in their usual places, and the light coming from the street lights.

“Alyssa.” The quiet voice comes again.

I look to where the voice came from and see a silhouette. It moves out into the dim light shining from the streetlight. I am shocked to see Chase standing there.

I move to open my front door. I haven’t exactly wanted him to see this hovel of a place, but now he’s going to wake my neighbours up if he keeps calling my name, and by the sounds of it, bumping into trashcans.

“Chase,” I call out the door and usher him inside before he knocks anything else flying. He seems a little drunk. But what’s he doing around here without his car? And how did he get here drunk? How on Earth does he know where I live?

Stepping over my doorstep, Chase gives me a grateful smile and damn if it doesn’t make my heart skip a beat.

“Chase, what are you doing here?” I ask as I go into the kitchen and start to make some coffee to help sober him up.

“I’m here to see you, of course.” He hiccups as he speaks.

“At one o’clock in the morning, Chase? Why on Earth would you be coming around so late?” I admonished as I poured plenty of sugar and creamer into his coffee.

I walked back into my bedroom-cum-living area and saw Chase sat on my couch. I went to hand him the coffee, then thought better of it and placed it on the floor near my feet so he couldn’t knock it over.

“So,” I cleared my throat and looked straight into the beautiful pools that are Chase’s eyes, “what brings you here at such a late hour? Or early, depending how you look at it.”

“I don’t know, I just had this feeling I needed to see you,” Chase said, not breaking eye contact.

“I was asleep,” I said as I picked up my coffee and handed Chase his.

“It didn’t look like it to me. It looked like you were sat on your window ledge smoking. Dirty habit, by the way.” He took a gulp of his coffee and smiled at me, disarming me completely.

What was it about this man that was so appealing? Yes, he’s outrageously good looking. He should be an underwear model or something. Not that I’ve seen him in his underwear, he just seems like the kind of guy women would be happy to see in his Calvin Klein’s. Woah! What am I saying? I blame the late hour for the lack of filter in my thoughts.

“It’s something I only do on the odd occasion,” I said out loud, while silently adding that I only do it after a nightmare, but he doesn’t need to know that. There’s such a thing as ‘over-sharing’ and I wasn’t about to open up to anyone anytime soon. I knew I’d have to tell Clark, but that’s different because he’s my best friend. Chase, however, is a work colleague.

“Well, it’s still a dirty habit.” He smiled as he reached into his pocket and brought out his own cigarette packet.

“Well now, who’s the hypocrite?” I laughed.

“It’s something I only do when I go out drinking,” the excuse tumbled from those soft lips.

“Well, it’s still a dirty habit,” I parroted his words back to him.

“I know.” He smiled at me as he took a cigarette from its packet and put it to his lips.

“No smoking in here,” I said as I stood and walked to the open window, beckoning him to follow.

“Oh, sorry!”

Chase sauntered over to the window and took my earlier position on the ledge.

I took his lighter and lit the cigarette for him.

“So, why did you need to see me?” I asked as I took a seat at the dining room table underneath the window and lit another cigarette of my own.

“I don’t really have an answer to that. I was in the area with friends having a drink to celebrate my friend Mark’s birthday and afterwards, I just had this need to see you. I’m sorry it’s such a stupid hour. I really shouldn’t have come,” he said apologetically.

“It’s fine, really. I just so happened to be awake. Just don’t go making it a regular occurrence though.” I laughed as I playfully nudged him.

As he put his cigarette out, he stood and faced me. He pulled me up by my hands and placed one hand at the base of my spine.

I shivered under his touch and mentally scolded myself for the feeling of pleasure that pulsed through me.

I tried to pull away from his grip, but Chase took my chin in his free hand and turned my face towards him.

I looked up into his eyes and before I knew it, his lips brushed against mine in a soft, tentative kiss.

His lips felt even softer than they looked. His breath had the aftertaste of a cigarette but also held a taste of bourbon. His skin smelled of a mixture of things; that clean smell you get fresh from the shower, a hint of cologne, and something I couldn’t quite put my finger on.

There was something to be said for being kissed by Chase Williams, he definitely knew what he was doing. He had one hand in the back of my hair and one still at the base of my spine. I swear there were tiny electric currents flowing from his hand to my skin.

Suddenly realising I was still only wearing my nightgown brought a flush to my cheeks but there was nothing I could do about it now.

Chase deepened the kiss, his mouth exploring mine as his hand caressed up and down my spine. I returned the kiss with a vigour I hadn’t felt in a long time. Nobody had ever kissed me this way. Ethan’s kisses were completely different—passionate, but not like Chase.

As these thoughts ran through my head, I mentally scolded myself for comparing the kisses from the love of my life to the man here in front of me now. I also chided myself for allowing this kiss to continue. What was I doing? I was encouraging Chase. This had to stop. I couldn’t let it ever get any further than this.

“Chase, stop. We’re friends,” I said as I pulled away and tugged at my nightgown as though it had come up and was exposing me somehow.

I would have missed the flash of hurt in Chase’s eyes were it not for the fact that I was trapped by his gaze.

Composing himself, Chase sucked down any feelings and his eyes were like stone.

“I’m sorry, Alyssa. I didn’t mean to cross a boundary. I…I thought you felt the same. Hoped you did. But you don’t…it’s fine. I’ll just be on my way and I’ll see you at work,” his words tumbled out over each other.

“Chase, it’s not that…” I trailed off. I couldn’t come up with the right words. Nothing I said would make this any less embarrassing for either of us.

I knew I’d wounded his pride. It was unintentional but better to have done it now than to have led him on. Yes, his kiss had woken something dormant in me, but I couldn’t afford to feel again. I quieted the raging storm brewing in my emotions and picked up my iPhone to call him a cab.

Chase stood at the window, looking out into the night.

A few minutes later, a cab pulled up outside and without a word, Chase left. I watched silently as the cab pulled from the curb. Tears rolled quietly down my cheeks, I hadn’t meant for this to happen but I couldn’t go back in time and change things. I’m not even sure I would change the fact that he had kissed me. He had touched part of me that had lain untouched for so long, something I was sure had actually been torn from me the day I lost Ethan.

I closed the window and returned to bed. I didn’t expect sleep to come quickly, unable to quiet my racing thoughts, I assumed I would lay awake for hours.

When sleep finally claimed me, dreams of Chase overtook my mind and I kept picturing the moment his lips touched mine, the way his mouth had explored mine so fully. I kept conjuring image after image of his beautiful, soulful eyes, the way they had burned into mine. Even in my dream state, I couldn’t figure out why he’d turned up out of the blue.

Chapter Ten

The next morning I woke feeling like a zombie. I had tossed and turned all night, dreams of Chase mingled with memories of Ethan had me waking up periodically. At least it was the weekend and I didn’t have to turn in to work looking like a freak with huge dark circles under my eyes. It might be my imagination but my reflection seemed to scream “slut” at me as I brushed and flossed my teeth.

I can’t be a slut! I was just standing there like an idiot I didn’t do anything…that sounds better…except I did kiss him back, didn’t I? OMG! I really am a slut!

No, no, no it was the whiskey and the dreams, see? It wasn’t real I just dreamed it! I can pretend like none of this ever happened! Oh but it did, and it felt so yummy! What? No, this must stop! OMG! I am not this person. I am a young, vulnerable widow.

I put some coffee on and grabbed my Kindle. I really needed to lose myself in work, even on a Sunday. I needed a distraction from my racing thoughts. If that’s how it was to kiss him, then what would it be like to make love to him? I could only imagine it would set the world on fire in its wake.

The mind is an amazing thing, it can take you places you know you can’t go in real life. But the mind can also be deceitful, giving you false hopes for a future you know is never going to come to fruition.

I buried my head in All For Love by Hillary Kelley. I love a good ‘naughty’ book but I also love a book that can draw me in and make me feel like I’m the main character. All for Love is about a woman who left her partner, thinking it was the right thing to do at the time. It was a real heartbreaker and had me writing an email to the author straight away with an offer of a contract with Emerging Butterfly. I could only hope she’d say yes, because it was one of the best books I had read in a long time.

I went about my normal Sunday routine and did a little house hunting on the internet. Clark had said he’d come to any viewings with me, but he’d been a bit quiet since the revelation that I was a widow. I hadn’t wanted to text him and push him, he needed to come to me when he was ready to talk. He had every right to be mad that I had hidden something so big from him and in all honesty, I couldn’t blame him at all. He’d been my rock since I got to Brockwood and I hadn’t been able to confide in him.

I sent some emails regarding house viewings and got an email back about a viewing the following afternoon. I couldn’t wait to get out of this dump and into somewhere where there’s room to swing a cat. Not that I swing cats, it’s just a silly expression!

My phone rang suddenly, making me jump.

“Hello.”

“Hi, Lys, it’s me. Can we talk?”

That accent made my stomach do somersaults. My pulse began to race and I’m sure my palms were becoming sweaty.

“I don’t really have the time…right now…Chase, sorry,” I replied, fumbling my words slightly.

“Oh, okay!” came his rather sullen reply.

“I’m sorry, it’s just that I’m busy working from home today,” I lied a little more smoothly.

“Okay, I just thought that we should talk about…well, you know what…” he trailed off.

The last thing I wanted to do was be reminded of the kiss. I could still feel his soft, full lips on mine. I could still taste the cigarette and whiskey on his breath. I remembered it all too well and didn’t need a conversation to rake through it again.

“We’ll talk, Chase, just not today.”

I heard his quiet sigh on the end of the line.

“Sorry,” I added into the silence.

“Don’t be sorry, it’s fine, I understand.”

The words crossed his lips, but the question was, did he understand?

“I’ll let you get on with it then,” Chase said a little sharply.

“Thanks. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“See you then.”

The line went dead.

I looked at my phone and could see the disappointment on my face reflected in the black screen.

What was going on? I didn’t have a clue. Where was Clark when I needed him? Oh yeah, he was coming to terms with the bombshell I dropped. Why, oh why, did I have to be such a stupid cow?

***

I went to bed that night thinking about the mess I had made and how I could make it right.

My dreams were a mish-mash of things. I had a heated argument with Clark, I lost Ethan all over again, and I kissed Chase again and again and again.

The next morning couldn’t come soon enough.

***

When I woke up, I went straight to make a cup of coffee. I was going to need plenty of caffeine to get me through the day.

I got a cab to work and went straight to my office, avoiding anyone and their attempts to make polite chit-chat. I felt guilty for blanking people but I just couldn’t make idle small talk this morning.

I set my phone and Kindle down on my desk and inserted my card to log on to the system.

I had several emails awaiting my attention from authors wanting to sign with us. I was excited about the new books we had in the pipelines. Once I had replied to them, I pulled out my iPhone and texted Clark.

Alyssa: Can we meet for lunch? I need to talk to you.

Moments later, I received a reply.

Clark: Sure thing. I missed you this weekend. Everything okay?

Everything wasn’t okay, but what to tell Clark?

Alyssa: Yeah, just had a busy one working from home. See you at The Mermaid at 12?

Okay, so I hadn’t worked all weekend, but it wasn’t a discussion I wanted to have via text.

Clark: Yeah, 12 sounds good. C U there!

At least Clark didn’t seem to hate me.

I worked through until lunch without any interruptions. At 11:45 I called for a cab to collect me at 11:55.

I managed to get out of the building without seeing Chase, which was a relief.

I got to The Mermaid, paid the driver, and got out of the cab. I smoothed down the A-line skirt I was wearing and checked to make sure my reflection looked presentable in the reflection of a window, then I walked in and braced myself for the conversation I was about to have.

I saw Clark sat at a table in the corner away from the bar. Presumably he’d chosen to sit there so we weren’t easily overheard. I silently thanked him for that.

After ordering lunch from Em, Clark and I sat facing each other silently. I knew I needed to be the one to break the ice, but it wasn’t as easy as that.

I had brought something for Clark to read, hoping he would understand a little more.

“So…” we both said at once.

We laughed and Clark was silent, nodding for me to continue.

“So, I guess I have some explaining to do,” I said before taking a large gulp of my diet Pepsi.

Clark didn’t respond, so I assumed he wanted me to carry on, uninterrupted.

“Ethan and I were high school sweethearts. It was love at first sight. He was on the school soccer team and I was a cheerleader. We did everything together, went everywhere together. Our parents thought we were a match made in Heaven.”

I took another gulp of my drink and continued.

“We married young, but when it’s meant to be, you just know it. We had a very happy marriage. He was the perfect husband. We were together for seven years, married for three of those. Not long after we got married, Ethan discovered something that shook us both to the core. He had been slurring his speech a little from time to time. He went to the doctor and the results of the test were staggering.”

My throat began to clog up as the memory of that day became clearer in my mind.

“The doctor thought it might be a mini-stroke, but he didn’t have other symptoms of stroke so…” I trailed off as Em brought our food from the kitchen.

“This looks great, thanks, Em,” I said as I looked at my Caesar salad.

“Let me know if I can get you guys anything else,” she replied as she put Clark’s burger in front of him.

As Em turned and walked away, I looked at Clark as he put a hand over mine on the table. This was the first time I had spoken to anyone outside of mine and Ethan’s families about what had happened.

“The hospital he was referred to ran a battery of tests, some of which were inconclusive. In the meantime, Ethan developed more symptoms, he started getting bad cramps in his hands and legs from time to time. They slowly started getting worse and led to muscle weakness. At first the doctors didn’t know what it was, but eventually they diagnosed the problem. Ethan had ALS.”

I took a bite of my salad, not tasting it as it slid down my throat.

I retrieved the letter from my purse and slid it on the table. I wasn’t ready for Clark to read it, but there would never be a good or right time to share it. I just had to get on with it.

I slid the paper over to Clark and he looked directly into my eyes. I could see the question in them, so I just nodded my head.

Clark took the slip of paper and began to read the letter that was burned into my memory.

Dearest Alyssa,

My darling Alyssa; my love, my life, my best friend, my wife. Where do I start this letter? There are so many things that I still want to say to you, but feel I am running out of time to say them. Well, I am out of time, this is why I’m writing this in the first place. I can’t bear long drawn out goodbyes, nor can I bear for you to see me getting worse and worse until my soul finally leaves its disease ravaged shell.

I have loved you all my life, or at least it feels that way. I can still remember the carefree teenagers we used to be before this disease took over me. We were young and inseparable, our love was what bound us together. You were strong, beautiful, innocent…There was something about you that I fell for the moment I saw you across the soccer field. I saw you with your friends, sitting there without a care in the world. You were the most beautiful girl on the planet, with your glossy red hair that bounced in the breeze and your emerald green eyes that reflected the sun’s rays. Alyssa, you couldn’t have been more perfect. You completed me in a way I hadn’t realised I was missing out on before.

As I sit here, I can recall our first date as though it was yesterday. We were at Benny’s and you twirled your hair round your finger as you popped bubbles with your gum. I took you home and it took us forty-five minutes to kiss goodnight on the front porch. I didn’t tell you that night, but I started falling in love with you from the moment you agreed to come on a date and I never stopped falling in love with you every single day until the end.

I’m so sorry this has to be the end, my darling. I know finding this letter will tear you apart, but I can’t think of any other way. I hope in the long run you will see that what I did was for the best. I was in so much pain, my sweetheart, I only put a brave face on it for you. Please don’t hate me for taking ‘the coward’s way out’. That isn’t what this feels like for me; it feels like the best decision all-round. It’s finally something I can control—unlike so many other things that have come to pass over this last year. Though I am going to break your heart by doing this, I know it has to be done my way. It has to be on my terms, I can’t take much more of what nature has in store for me.

I don’t want to die in hospital attached to some machine with a ‘DNR’ on my notes. Nor do I want to be sat at home one day doing something trivial and normal one minute, then fall down dead the next. I can’t take the not knowing, Lys, it’s literally tearing me apart.

I know that on finding my note, you and the family will be hit with a tidal wave of emotion but I want for you all to know that I love you dearly, I never stopped for even a nano-second.

Lys, you were my best friend, my soul-mate and so much more. I believe we’ll see each other again someday when our souls reincarnate. But for now, I am out of time and out of goodbyes. I can’t say the word, it seems so final.

I want you to know that one day, when you least expect it, you will find love again and it is with my blessing. I want someone to give you everything that I never got time to give you. Children. A house with a white picket-fence. A dog. I know, such cliché things, but I want you to promise me you will live on and you will live life to its fullest. I want you to embrace each day as though it were a friend and welcome the comfort the night brings.

I am so sorry to be doing this to you, I am such a selfish bastard, this I know. But I cannot lie here while you watch me wither away and die a drawn out death, because that’s exactly what this is; my life is an existence, I am not truly living. I want you to know that you were the last thought in my mind as I drifted into a peaceful sleep from which I would never wake.

Please tell my family I love each and every one of them dearly and that I am sorry for inflicting this pain on them. I hope, in time, they will look back and cherish all the fond memories instead of seeing me for the sick man they saw every day towards the end.

I love you with all my heart and soul, my sweet, beautiful Lys. Please don’t hate me for too long after you read my final words. Know that I will be watching over you and wishing you peace, happiness and in time, love.

Remember this; fate is wholly inexorable.

Yours,

Ethan xxx

Tears quietly ran down my cheeks. I dabbed at them with a napkin from the table. I watched as Clark’s eyes went through a range of emotions as he read my dear husband’s last words, words I had committed to memory. They came to me in my dreams, but also in my nightmares. For the last two years, I had been having recurring nightmares about Ethan, the kind that left me feeling utterly bereft upon waking to an empty bed.

“Lys…” Clark said, a hitch in his voice.

He took a gulp of his drink and looked me in the eye.

“I am so, so sorry. I don’t know what to say. This must have all been so hard for you.”

His eyes took on that glassy look that suggests unshed tears.

“It was very hard. We were so young, we thought we had our lives in front of us. We planned children, a big house with a swimming pool where we would teach our children to swim and spend many an hour splashing about and having fun. We had that future cut short, we were devastated by the diagnosis. I don’t know if you know much about the disease, but most often, patients are given a prognosis of three to five years to live after diagnosis. Ethan was put in for a clinical trial but it didn’t work for him.”

I paused, unable to continue to talk about Ethan or ALS or anything, really. I wanted to never have to talk about it again. I knew I must give Clark the rest of the story, though truthfully there wasn’t much more to tell.

“Ethan had talked about the end a lot. He always said that he’d rather go on his own terms rather than watch me watch him deteriorate. He knew I wouldn’t help him end his own life. He didn’t even ask me, knew it would be a burden I would carry for the rest of my days and he didn’t want to do that to me. So, one day when I went to get some grocery shopping done, he took an overdose. He was dead by the time I got home.”

Clark reached for my hand across the table. I let him take it and hold it between his warm, gentle hands.

“I felt for a pulse and fell to the ground crying and screaming for my wonderful husband to come back to me. It felt surreal and only too real all at the same time. I couldn’t bring him back.”

My eyes welled at the painful memory. I took a deep breath before continuing.

“My heart was truly broken that day. I looked at my beautiful husband, finally at peace from so much pain, He still looked like my Ethan, but the light had left his eyes. It felt like an eternity until the ambulance arrived, but in reality it was only a few minutes. When they arrived, it took two of the paramedics to prise me away from my soul mate. I clung to him, tears still streaming down my cheeks. They gently led me away and I felt a sharp stabbing pain as though my heart had been cleaved in two.”

My throat clogged up and my mouth went dry.

That was as much as I could tell him for now. I’d tell him later about the funeral and things if he wanted to know, but I had a feeling he wouldn’t push me to say more.

***

I went back to work, but couldn’t concentrate on anything for the rest of the day.

Chase came by the office to talk about work but it all went in one ear and out of the other.

Thankfully he didn’t mention the kiss and neither did I. It was the last thing I felt like talking about right then.

As I was leaving for the day, Chase offered me a lift home, but I told him I’d already called a cab. A lie, but I felt like giving him the cold shoulder might make him realise the kiss was a huge mistake.

I went home and locked myself away with the curtains drawn shut and the light off. Only the light from my Kindle and the last remaining daylight beyond the curtains lit the room.

It was hard telling Clark all that stuff and showing him the letter. Emotionally, I’d run a gauntlet recently. I just needed to shake it off, pretend everything would be okay.

Maybe house-hunting might help? I guessed it couldn’t do any harm to get my laptop out and take a look.

Chapter Eleven

I woke up the next morning feeling a little better. I had found some houses to take a look at. They were all in the Brockwood area except for one that was in Wentworth, the next town over. I wasn’t sure whether I wanted to live in Wentworth. Honestly, I haven’t exactly gone investigating anywhere except for Brockwood.

The reasons to stay in this town would be Clark and my job. But then I could get to work from Wentworth. I guess it’s time to find a car.

I had intended to find a house first and buy a car with the money left over, but I got sick of paying for cabs to and from work, grocery shopping, that kind of thing.

So getting a car was next on my ‘to-do’ list.

As I got ready for work, I sent a quick text to Clark.

Alyssa: Fancy coming car hunting with me after work?

I was just getting ready to leave when his reply pinged in my inbox.

Clark: Sure! Meet at yours about 5?

Alyssa: Great. C U then! I replied.

I was confident Clark would help me find the perfect motor for what I needed. I don’t need anything too expensive, just something that runs good and gets me from A to B.

I got a cab to work and as we pulled up, I saw Lexi getting out of a sleek looking sports car.

“Hey Alyssa!” she called as we walked towards the office.

“Hey yourself! Sweet ride!” I tried to whistle but it came out really quiet and sounded silly, which made us both laugh.

“Thanks. It’s a Lotus Exige. Daddy bought it for my birthday. It even has a personalised plate; S3X1 L3X1. Get it? Sexy Lexi!”

I laughed at the ridiculousness but she didn’t seem to notice. I haven’t had much to do with Lexi since I started working here. Now I’m getting the idea it’s because she’s a spoiled little daddy’s girl.

I really shouldn’t form an opinion based on such little knowledge of her and I could use a female friend. Maybe getting to know her isn’t such a bad idea.

“Hey Lexi, want to grab lunch together today?” I asked as we got in the elevator to our floor.

“Sure. Sounds good. Where and what time?” she asked as she inspected her manicure and peered down at her toes that were housed in what I could only imagine were Manolo Blahniks or Jimmy Choos.

“Twelve o’clock at The Mermaid?”

“The Mermaid? Isn’t that the tiny little village pub? Why would we want to eat there? Let’s go to Rodrigo’s, my treat, of course.”

“Rodrigo’s?” I asked.

I might not have lived here that long, but I thought I knew the names of some decent places to eat, mainly due to my takeaway and DVD nights with Clark. While we’re on the subject, I love The Mermaid. What’s wrong with pub food? Maybe she is a spoiled little rich kid after all. This might not end well.

“Don’t tell me you haven’t heard of Rodrigo’s? It’s only like the coolest place. They serve some of the best tasting food this side of…well…anywhere round here.” She was sounding more like a snob by the second. Great!

I made a mental note to check Rodrigo’s out on the net when I got to my office.

“I haven’t lived round here for very long, so I’m new to all the cool places to hang out.”

I thought my half-truth was a smooth one.

“Oh that’s okay. I’ll show you the places to be seen at. Trust me, The Mermaid is not one of them.”

I mentally rolled my eyes. Is that possible? If not, I did what I thought of as a mental eye-roll.

“Great!” I chirped as the elevator door opened to the third floor.

We walked out into the hallway that led to our offices.

“I’ll meet you out here by the elevator at 11:55, sound okay?”

“Sure. See you then,” I said with a fake smile and a little wave as I walked toward my own office.

I shut the door behind me and sagged into my chair in relief.

Why was I so bothered if she was a spoiled little daddy’s girl? Perhaps because I had worked hard for everything I ever had and to see people get it all handed to them and then squander it…that irked me no end.

I spent the morning reading a new book called Loving Me For Me by Kathy Lewis. It had me hooked from the opening line. It’s your typical boy meets girl, they fall in love, except for the fact that the girl is disabled and the boy loves her for who she is beyond the disability. It was such a touching story that I sat there with a box of tissues handy.

I looked at the clock and realised it was time to leave for lunch. I looked in my compact mirror and applied a fresh coat of lip-gloss.

***

We arrived at Rodrigo’s and were seated by a petite brunette girl called Magda.

It only took one look at the menu to tell what kind of place this was. The only word to sum it up? Ridiculous. They wanted more money than I made an hour for one small dish of risotto, which happened to be the cheapest thing on the menu.

I didn’t want to let on to Lexi that I didn’t want to pay these prices, but at least the money for the sale of the house was in my bank, meaning I didn’t have to let on that I couldn’t afford it—that would have been embarrassing.

“We’ll have a bottle of the 2007 Domaine Dominique Mugneret Vosne-Romanée, please, Magda,” Lexi said.

I nearly fainted at the price.

“Right away, ma’am. A server will be with you in a few minutes to take your order,” Magda said in her meek tone before going to fetch the bottle of ridiculously overpriced wine.

I picked up the jug of water from the table and poured myself a glass. I made sure to get some ice cubes and slices of lemon in there, too. I had a feeling I wouldn’t be drinking much else.

I didn’t want to pay half towards a bottle of wine that cost more than I earned in a day and was hoping that by sticking to water, it would let Lexi know that if she wanted the wine, she could have it to herself (and pay for it herself).

Magda brought the wine and set it in a bucket next to the table before disappearing to seat other patrons.

A server took Magda’s place and picked up the bottle. Lexi nodded to him and he poured her a glass.

He looked at me and I shook my head.

“Not for me, thank you.” I smiled politely at the young man.

“Oh come on, live a little. I know we have to go back to work, but still…Come on, Alyssa, just one glass,” Lexi nudged me.

I grudgingly nodded and let the server pour a glass for me.

“That’s better. I couldn’t be drinking alone,” Lexi smiled at me as though we were sharing a secret. And maybe we were. I’d sure be keeping the price of the wine a secret.

“Are you ladies ready to order?” the server asked as he set my glass down.

“Not yet, can you give us a few moments?” Lexi batted her eyelashes.

“Sure,” he said and stepped away.

“So, what do you think you’ll have?” she asked me quietly whilst checking out the server over the top of her wine glass as she took a large sip.

“Oh, I don’t really know. You come here often, what’s good?” I asked, hoping to come off nonchalant.

“Everything is good. Trust me, I’ve tried the whole menu. And even if it isn’t on the menu, the head chef Laurent will make it for you, you just have to know how to ask.” She winked covertly.

I had a feeling she knew exactly how to ask.

I really had to stop making these assumptions but since seeing the ‘Sexi Lexi’ licence plate, I couldn’t help myself.

***

Dinner was great and conversation was actually relatively easy. Lexi wasn’t as much of an airhead as I had expected. I don’t know what I’d been thinking. She is an editor for Emerging Butterfly, after all. She may come across as a total daddy’s little darling but once you scratch the surface, there’s more to her than that. We may not have much in common, but that didn’t mean she couldn’t be a nice person.

As Lexi wouldn’t let me contribute anything towards the bill, I said I’d leave the server a tip. Though I’m sure getting an eyeful of this gorgeous woman’s cleavage was tip enough, and I had caught him looking at her on many an occasion. Not that I could blame him. Who wouldn’t want a woman like Lexi on their arm? Many a man and many a woman would, I would bet my last penny.

With her nearly elbow length brown hair with subtle,natural—at least natural looking—honey coloured highlights, eyes so green they sparkle like emeralds, full lips painted a sheer pink that looks as though there’s barely anything there. Then there’s her figure. It is to die for. I mean, she has the curves every woman dreams of, none of this stick figure business. She has hips, a pert posterior and a generous cleavage. Blow me down with a feather, she’s the whole nine yards!

Not that I’ve been looking or anything, you understand. Okay, maybe I have, but purely from an objective point of view.

Lexi and I headed back to work, but before we went our separate ways to our offices, she pulled me into a hug, air-kissing each of my cheeks as she did so.

“Thanks for a great lunch, Lexi,” I said as she pulled away.

“Oh no worries, I put it on Daddy’s credit card, as always. Well, not Daddy’s, it’s mine, but he pays the bill.”

This girl was a walking contradiction. On the one hand, she seemed spoiled and self-absorbed, on the other she seemed genuine and kind. So, superficial statement aside, I looked at her and smiled.

“You were right, Rodrigo’s was great!”

“Oh it’s Heaven on a plate, darling. I’ve been going in there for years. The servers all know me personally. Mostly because we’ve all grown up together in Brockwood, like, attending high school together.”

“We’ll have to go again sometime, my treat,” I said. What I didn’t say was that it would only ever happen if I could make the money to pay those kinds of prices.

“Sure thing, hun,” Lexi said with a wave as she walked back to her office.

***

I finished the day and went to view a car I had found on the internet. It may not be as new and shiny as Lexi’s Exige, but as long as it’s roadworthy and in my price range, looks are the last thing on my mind.

It turned out that the car was actually far prettier and shinier than I had expected. It was a blue Peugeot RCZ with silver trim. I won’t lie, I was dazzled. I’ve never owned such a nice car. While it may not be a Lotus or anything fancy shmancy, it would be perfect for me.

Clark thought it as perfect for me too. I was so glad I’d brought him with me. I wanted to be independent and make decisions for myself, but I also liked having Clark around and his opinion was invaluable.

I asked the lady selling it, Kat, if I could test drive it. She handed me the keys and we got in to take it out for a spin.

The car handled really well and I felt really happy being behind the wheel again instead of relying on cabs.

I told Kat I would be back the following day with the money. She was more than happy that I wanted to buy the car and said she’d be in the next day after work.

I could finally check one thing off my mental checklist. Now, I had to find the perfect house. No doubt that wouldn’t be as easy as the car had been.

***

The next morning at work, I saw Chase getting out of his car as I was paying the cab driver. I quickly walked into the building and pressed the button to call for the elevator, hoping it would come before he walked in.

Luck was not on my side as Chase stopped right next to me as the elevator doors pinged open.

“Are you coming for drinks on Friday?” he asked as the doors closed behind us.

“Umm…” I didn’t really have an excuse not to, but I hadn’t heard anything about drinks on Friday.

“It’s to celebrate me getting the Editor in Chief position,” Chase said with a smile that admittedly tugged at my heart a little.

“Oh, wow, you got it? I didn’t know. Congratulations. Can I bring Clark?”

“I did, I would’ve told you but, well, you haven’t really been talking to me since…you know…” His face flushed a little.

I played with the collar of my blouse as the heat seemed to have become stifling in this close space.

“Yeah, sorry about that,” I said as I looked anywhere but into his beautiful eyes.

“It’s okay, I get it.”

Really? How exactly could he ‘get it’? Had he become a mind reader?

“Anyway, sure you can bring Clark. We’re going to The Mermaid at seven,” he said as the elevator door pinged open on our floor.

“Okay.”

His gaze pinned me to the spot. I couldn’t fight the instinct to squirm.

“I’ll let you get to work.” Chase seemed to let up on the stare and turned on his heel to walk in the opposite direction.

I walked into my office and kicked the door shut behind me. I really was happy he’d got the promotion and with everyone from work going for drinks, I would look rude by not at least showing my face and having one drink before calling it a night.

I sat at my desk and pulled out my Kindle. I logged onto my computer and downloaded a new book I had noticed in my email yesterday. This one had been submitted, rather than me trying to acquire it.

As I sat reading He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not by Michaela Andrews, there was a knock at the door.

Chase opened my door and walked in with a coffee in hand.

“I thought you might be in need of one of these,” he said as he placed the steaming mug on my desk.

“Thanks.” I didn’t know what else to say to him. Things were getting more awkward the longer I left it before talking to him.

We really needed to clear the air but I couldn’t bring myself to broach the subject. Thankfully he didn’t seem to know how to talk about it either, so I was free to bury my head ostrich style a little longer.

“You free for lunch?”

Did I detect a note of hope in his voice?

“Sorry but no. I’m going to the bank. I’m going to purchase a car after work.”

“Oh!” was his only reply.

“I found a great little car for sale online and I went to see it yesterday. I promised I’d swing by tonight to pick it up.”

Why did I feel the need to explain myself? Why did that look on Chase’s face hit me where it hurt?

“That’s great. What car?”

“It’s a midnight blue Peugeot RCZ. It has silver trim around the top. I love it.”

I pulled up a picture on my phone and showed it to him.

“That’s a nice car. How many miles has it done? How old is it? How much are they asking for it?”

“Umm…”

To be honest, I hadn’t noticed the mileage. But how did I tell Chase that without sounding like a moron? Of course I should have checked that out.

“It’s okay, you don’t have to answer. Sorry, I didn’t mean to sound rude!”

“No, it’s not that. It’s just…well…I made a bit of a cock-up, I guess. I didn’t look at the mileage.”

“That’s okay, if you found it on the internet, it should say on the site.”

I loaded up the page I had been looking at the day before and showed Chase.

“Well it says 12,010 miles and only a year old, which sounds about right to me. Why is she selling it if it’s so new?”

“She said it was a gift from her ex-husband. Turns out he was screwing his secretary and the car was a guilt purchase.”

“Oh, right.”

“Yeah, I’m lucky she’s not asking much for it. She said it’s not about the money, she just wants rid of the car and might treat herself and her sister to a girl’s only holiday.”

“I agree, ten thousand is a great price for a car so new with so few miles on the clock.”

“I took it for a test drive and it drives beautifully. It will actually be the nicest car I’ve ever owned. Next on my list of things to do was to buy a house, but I was sick of getting cabs everywhere.”

At that moment, someone knocked on my door.

“Come in,” I called to the welcome intruder.

“Hi, Alyssa.” Lexi walked in. “Oh, hi, Chase,” she practically purred as she noticed him sat on the edge of my desk.

“Hi, Lexi,” he replied.

I looked at the two of them and noticed something in the air. It could be called lust, at least from where Lexi was standing. Chase didn’t exactly seem unenthused to see her too.

I watched Lexi smooth down non-existent wrinkles in her dress, then noticed exactly how short that dress was. I wasn’t sure it was appropriate for work, but by the look on Chase’s face, he didn’t mind.

“Was there something you needed?” I asked, my throat constricting, feeling as though the air was in short supply.

Why did I feel sick at the thought of the two of them together? What did it matter to me? They’d make a nice looking couple. But the thought of that had my hands sweating and my pulse racing.

“Just wondered if you fancied a drink after work?” Lexi asked, breaking me out of my thoughts.

“Sorry, I’m picking my car up tonight!” Was I ever glad I had an excuse!

“Oh, okay, never mind. Some other time maybe?” she asked, but eyed Chase instead of looking at me.

“Yeah, maybe.”

I needed her out of my office. I couldn’t handle feeling jealous. I had no right to feel that way, Chase wasn’t mine and I didn’t want him to be. Did I? Ethan had talked about me finding love after he had gone, but was I ready for dating and all the things that led to? No, I couldn’t be. Ethan hadn’t been gone long. Two years next month, to be precise. I couldn’t possibly move on so soon, if at all.

“Okay,” Lexi said as she turned to leave.

Was it my imagination or did she walk with a little more sway, knowing Chase was in the room? It could be those skyscraper high-heels, I guess, but I thought there was more to it than that.

The air seemed to clear with Lexi’s departure and with that, Chase seemed to come back to himself, as though her mere presence had transported him somewhere else. Who knew, maybe it had! Maybe he’d been thinking about what it would be like to have those long legs of hers wrapped around him.

I had to stop thinking that way. It was none of my business and I really didn’t want to keep envisioning the two of them together. It was mildly disturbing, at best.

“So, the car…If you need anyone to give you a second opinion, my friend is a mechanic. I’m sure I could get him to come and take a look, he owes me a favour or two.” Chase smiled at me.

My breathing hitched at the sight of those dimples of his.

“That would be good, thanks.”

“I’ll give him a call at lunchtime. For now, I’d best get back to work. Julieanne may demote me again if I don’t work for a living.” He laughed and stood from my desk.

“Thanks, I’d appreciate it,” I said as I watched him stride across my office.

“What are friends for? Right?”

Friends? Why did that word hurt more than a sucker punch?

***

Chase came by my office as I was getting ready to leave for the day. He introduced me to his friend, the mechanic—then Daniel offered to drive me to fetch the car and give it a once over.

Kat made me a coffee while he looked over the car.

I’d apologised for bringing him with me, but she didn’t mind at all.

While Daniel checked the car over, we chatted in her lounge. She asked what I did for a living and it turned out she worked for another publisher. We had a lot in common and even exchanged phone numbers. Funny how you can make new friends in any kind of circumstance.

When Daniel had finished, he told me it was in perfect condition and agreed that it was a great car and too good a price to let it go.

I paid Kat and she handed me the keys. The smile on my face was a mile wide as I got behind the wheel of my new car. I finally had my own transport and could stop paying out for cabs everywhere. I won’t lie, it felt great.

I waved to Kat as I backed out of her drive. I plugged in my iPod and selected Morrissey’s Greatest Hits to listen to as I drove home.

Clark was waiting at my door for me. He was almost as excited about the car as I was.

“This car is so sweet. I love the colour, the interior is perfect. It’s a bonus to have an iPod connection fitted too,” Clark’s words came rushing out.

“Yeah, it was a great price too. I’m in love with it. Now just to find a house that’s as much of a perfect fit.”

“Have you had any joy searching online?”

“I’ve found a couple of possibilities. One is over in Wentworth, and one is not far from work.”

“You know I’m coming with you right?”

“You are?”

“Of course. How do you go house-hunting without your best friend?” He laughed.

“Hey, I didn’t make a bad choice of car!” I tried to defend myself and my decisions.

“Yeah, but I was there the day you took it for a spin. I should be there when you take the house for a spin too!”

“Yeah, okay,” I caved at the big smile on his face.

“So, what’s next on the ‘to-do list’ after a car and a house?”

“Oh I don’t know, maybe the white picket fence and rose bushes and a yappy little dog.” I couldn’t help the fits of giggles that overtook me.

“I can help you find the perfect yappy little dog. My sister breeds dogs.”

We fell about giggling like two teenagers. I didn’t know what was next on my list. Once I found a house, I had it all really, didn’t I? I mean, I have a good job, a nice car, and when I find a house, my ‘to-do list’ is complete. Isn’t it?

Chapter Twelve

Friday came and I spent all day trying to focus on anything except going for a drink after work. I knew plenty of people from the office would be there to congratulate Chase, but I didn’t know if I could be in such close proximity to him. I needed to get a handle on the jealousy I had no right feeling.

Of course, I didn’t get my own way of not going, because Clark nagged me into submission.

I reluctantly got ready and told Clark I’d pick him up. I wouldn’t be drinking, so I decided to drive us to The Mermaid.

I knocked on Clark’s door and was greeted with a wolf-whistle. I didn’t think I’d made that much of an effort. I’d applied light, natural looking makeup to enhance my eyes and lips and I had put on my favourite blue off-the-shoulder sheath dress and a pair of silver stilettos, though I couldn’t drive in them, so I had flat shoes on at that moment.

I wasn’t one for gaudy, chunky, bright, costume jewellery so I was wearing an elegant white gold chain with a tanzanite pendant around my neck. I also wore matching earrings and a delicate white gold and tanzanite bracelet that didn’t match but looked good. Ethan had bought them for me for my twenty-first birthday and I cherished them dearly.

“Looking good tonight,” Clark said as he stepped aside for me to enter the house.

“Thank you. You look good yourself. Are you hoping to meet a girl?” I teased.

Clark was happy being single. He’d been single for a year since a serious relationship had ended. She had given him no reason for leaving and even now, a year on, he still hurts.

I’ve hinted he should join a dating website, but he rejected that idea outright. “Internet dating is for liars and cheats,” I remembered him saying. I had laughed but he was deadly serious. He said that people are never what they seem. I told him he’d watched too many episodes of Catfish—a show where people meet people on the internet, but most lie about who they really are.

Tonight Clark was wearing dark blue jeans, a black button down shirt and his customised Batman Converse. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him wear any other style of shoe. He has so many pairs of Converse, you’d think he was a woman with the size of his collection.

“Nearly ready,” he said as he retrieved his aftershave bottle from the table and began to apply it.

“It doesn’t start for another twenty minutes,” I said, looking at my watch.

“We don’t want to be the first to arrive,” Clark said as he put the aftershave away.

“No, I guess not.”

“So, should we have a drink here before we go?” he asked, making his way to the kitchen.

“Can do, but I’m only drinking pop,” I said as I followed.

***

When we got to the pub, the party was in full swing. There was laughter ringing out before we even entered the room. I should’ve been prepared for what I saw, but it made my jaw hit the floor all the same.

Lexi was stood at the bar next to Chase and her finely manicured hands were all over him. She had one hand on his bicep and the other was twirling her hair the way all girls do when they’re flirting. She was laughing raucously at something he was saying. Her head flew back as musical laughter floated from her beautiful—if fake tanned—throat.

An instant pang of jealousy hit me like a brick and I stumbled back slightly, wanting to go back out before entering the room fully. Chase hadn’t seen me yet, I could make good my escape. I could feign illness and tell Clark I didn’t feel up to it after all.

But I turned to say something to Clark and heard my name being called. Too late. I’d been spotted.

I looked in Chase’s direction and saw him striding towards us. Fortunately, Lexi had stayed put.

I watched the graceful way Chase’s lithe body moved. He looked good in a pair of dark jeans and a black sweater. The way his sweater clung to his body, you could see the definition of his biceps, and boy, did it look like he worked out.

His long legs looked good in jeans. Who was I kidding, he looked good in anything. But these jeans in particular looked like they had been made specifically for the contours of his body.

“Glad you could make it,” Chase said as he shook hands with Clark. “Alyssa, you look beautiful, as always,” he said as he came close and kissed my cheek.

I inhaled and could smell his familiar cologne. I recognised it as Jean-Paul Gaultier’s Le Male.

The feel of his soft lips against my cheek made me shudder involuntarily. It was only slight, but enough for him to notice.

“Are you cold?” he asked and rubbed his hand up and down my arm.

The fine hairs on my arm stood on end as goose bumps broke out across my skin.

“A little.” I laughed as I moved further from the door to cover up for my traitorous body.

“Let me get you a drink,” he said as he led us to the bar.

Clark had a pint of lager while I remained on Coke due to driving.

We mingled with people from my office, doing our rounds, saying hello to everyone. I couldn’t help but notice that Lexi had reattached herself to Chase.

I mentally chastised myself for caring. Lexi and Chase would make a good looking couple. It just made me wonder why he had kissed me if he was interested in her. She was obviously single and interested…I would never be able to figure men out.

I had only ever been in a relationship with Ethan and he had been very direct in making it known that he was interested in me. He had never used me to get the attention of someone else. But then, thinking about it a little more, Chase couldn’t have used me in any way, because neither of us—to my knowledge—had told Lexi of our kiss.

I would do best just to forget about that kiss and go back to a purely platonic friendship and working relationship.

But how to forget what those full, soft lips had tasted like, felt like pressed against mine. I couldn’t forget the way he had softly urged my lips to open and allow his tongue entry to my mouth. Had I imagined the urgency with which he had moved his mouth against mine? The subtle hint of peppermint that lingered on his warm breath? The way that for a moment, everything else around me had blurred into non-existence as the kiss became the only thing I could think about…I had to lock those memories away. They would only interfere with me trying to get on with my life.

Clark and I sat at a vacant table and I breathed a sigh of relief as I took the weight off my feet. The price women paid for vanity, wearing stilettos that pinched their feet and made the balls of the feet so sore that only a soak in hot water would relieve them.

“Are you okay?” Clark asked quietly.

“Yes, of course. I’m just a little tired.” I gave him what I thought was a weary smile.

“We can go whenever you’re ready.”

“I’m good, we can at least stay for another drink. It’s a celebration after all, I wouldn’t want to be a party pooper,” I replied as I looked over at Chase.

He was still at the bar and Lexi was all over him like a rash. Internally I debated the pros and cons of telling her how pathetic she looked offering it up on a silver platter. I wanted to tell her that if he wanted her, he should have to work for it. But it wasn’t my place to say any of these things, at least not out loud.

In my honest opinion, Lexi looked like she had had one drink too many already. She was swaying a little where she stood. Maybe I should offer her a lift home, but if she was likely to be sick, I didn’t want it to be in my new car. Selfish of me, I know.

One of the girls from work came over to chat and I introduced her to Clark. I saw her eyes light up as she took in the sight of this good looking man in his button down shirt. He smiled at her as he drank in the sight of this gorgeous woman with seemingly never ending legs.

Jenny really was pretty and I could imagine setting her up with Clark. She was sweet, genuine, and very down to Earth. Nothing airheaded about her.

Chapter Thirteen

Chase

The party is in full swing. Alyssa arrived a little while ago, looking stunning, as always. She and Clark are sat at a table a little too far away from me for my liking. I want her close to me at all times. The one problem with tonight is Lexi. She has been stuck to me like glue since her arrival. I don’t mind Lexi, she seems like a nice enough person, even if she gets by on her looks and air-headed persona. To me, she’s just another work colleague. But with the way she’s been acting tonight, I can tell she wants more.

Her finely manicured hands have been attached to my biceps. She’s been twirling her hair too—the universal sign of someone flirting. She hasn’t been here very long but she’s been knocking back drinks like there’s no tomorrow. I can’t seem to get rid of her. I don’t mean that in a bad way, it’s just that I want to go and mingle, this party is in my honour, after all.

And when I say mingle, I do mean it, but I also want to spend more time with the radiant beauty sat at the table across the pub. With her fiery red hair and the way her eyes sparkled when she laughed, Alyssa had caught my eye the moment we met. I don’t normally date work colleagues in case something goes horribly wrong, but in her case, I would break my own rule.

I have been sneaking glances at her ever since her arrival tonight. The way she’s dressed isn’t something I get to see at work. Tonight, she’s wearing a blue off-the-shoulder dress and silver stilettos. It’s smart but casual and oh so sexy. I can’t help but think about our kiss, the urgency with which we had explored each other’s mouths.

“Shit!”

That was the only word I heard before Lexi was sick everywhere. And I mean everywhere. She even managed to get it all down my jeans. Great!

“I’ve got her,” Alyssa said as she put an arm around Lexi and guided her to the ladies’ room.

I couldn’t help but smile, even covered in sick. Alyssa was so kind, it was one of the things that drew me to her like a moth to a flame.

I made my way to the gents’ to clean off what I could. I’m going to have to go home and get changed though. There’s no way I can stay here smelling like this. I need a quick shower, fresh clothes, and some aftershave.

After cleaning off what I could, I returned to the bar. I could see Lexi sat at a table with Alyssa and Clark. She’s drinking water by the looks of it.

“Em, I need to call a cab. I’m going home for a shower and change of clothes,” I said to Emily as she came round the bar.

“Use the free phone on the wall, it’s linked directly to a cab firm,” she said as she smiled at me.

I’ve always liked Emily-Rose. My cousin Parker and she got together a few years back and he bought The Mermaid Inn, leaving her in charge. He’d much rather work in construction than behind a bar. But Emily had always wanted to be a landlady and Parker would do anything to please the woman he loves. They’re a great couple, they really cherish each other and every moment they have together. They have the kind of love I would like to have one day.

“There’s no need to pay for a cab,” a little voice said from next to me.

I turned and saw Alyssa’s bright blue eyes looking at me.

“I need to get home and get out of these jeans,” I said as I pointed to my now badly smelling jeans.

“I know, I can take you. I’m only drinking soda because I’m driving.”

Those blue pools swam as they looked at me and I could feel myself falling in.

“I don’t want to ruin your night.” I smiled back at her.

“It’s your night to celebrate your promotion. How can we all have a good night without the man of the hour? I will get you home, you can shower and change, then I can bring you back. No point paying a cab when I have my car here.”

“If you’re sure…?”

“Of course I am. We just have a stop to make first. I promised I’d see Lexi home.”

My goodness, this woman’s heart knows no bounds.

“Okay. Thanks.”

We went over to Lexi and both put an arm around her underneath her shoulders. We steadily helped Lexi to Alyssa’s waiting car.

I got in the back passenger seat next to Lexi so she could lie her head on my lap. I already smell like sick, so it won’t make much difference if she’s sick again—though I’d rather she wasn’t sick in the back of the car, especially as Alyssa is doing her a favour.

Alyssa handed me a bag, and I realised she had the forethought to get something ready in case Lexi decided to be sick again.

We drove away from The Mermaid and I wondered if Alyssa knew where Lexi lived because I sure didn’t.

As we pulled up outside a cream painted house with a white picket fence and finely manicured lawn, I knew this had to be Lexi’s place. You could tell a mile off. She had hanging baskets filled with flowers, rose bushes in front of the house, and the door was painted a soft shade of pink. By the state of Lexi’s manicure, I could tell she had someone to do her gardening for her. She didn’t have any callouses on her hands and if I’m being totally honest, it looks like the kind of place she got on daddy’s dime, not her own. As an editor for Emerging Butterfly, I know how much money she makes and it isn’t enough to buy a place like this.

We manoeuvred Lexi out of the car and then walked her to the front door. She was in and out of sleep on the ride and now she seemed unresponsive to Alyssa’s questions about her house keys. So Alyssa rummaged through Lexi’s little bag and found a key.

As we walked into the entranceway of this pretty house, I looked round and saw Tiffany lamps that were in no way knock-off versions. The Persian rug looked expensive too, as did everything my eye landed on. We took her upstairs to her room, not without some difficulty, I might add. Alyssa told me to wait outside once I had helped sit her down on the bed.

I stepped outside and closed the door.

I heard running water and realised that Alyssa must have been planning to help Lexi wash up before bed.

Fifteen minutes later, Alyssa slipped quietly out of the bedroom and came to stand by me as I admired a painting on the wall in the hallway.

“She’s sleeping soundly,” she whispered, her warm breath tickled across the back of my neck and made me break out in goose bumps. Good job I’m wearing long sleeves.

“That’s good. Do you think she’ll be okay alone tonight?”

“I hope so. She’s clean, has a glass of water by her bedside and has a phone on the bedside table. She was sobering up as I got her clean and she said she’d be okay, she’s just tired. She also asked me to apologise to you, she’s very embarrassed.”

“It’s okay. I just need to get cleaned up myself now.”

“Let’s get you home then,” she said as she turned toward the staircase.

Alyssa stumbled as she got to the top step and if it wasn’t for my lightning quick reflexes, she would have fallen. I slipped my arm around her waist and caught her just in time.

“Thank you,” she said a little breathlessly.

“No problems,” I whispered as I winked at her.

We made our way quietly out of Lexi’s house and to the car. Alyssa opened the doors and this time I sat in the front passenger seat. I liked being closer to Alyssa. She was beautiful, warm, and there was a hint of her perfume in the air. I didn’t know what it was, but the smell invaded my nostrils, attacking my senses and I felt this weird feeling in my chest. My heart beat slightly faster and felt like it was trying to break through my ribcage.

I felt a hand lightly brush my leg as Alyssa changed gear and my heart rocketed at the brief touch.

We were at my house in no time. Of course, Alyssa had never been here before and I had to give her directions, but once we arrived, there were no words as she looked over the front of my house.

My house was once a project for Parker. I had bought it when it was in dire need of refurbishment. The frontage itself had an aging porch and looked a little dilapidated. I had needed new windows, a new front door, a lick of fresh paint—and that was just outside.

I sat back and looked at Alyssa’s profile as she looked up at my house and let out a low appreciative whistle.

“Welcome to my humble abode,” I said as I opened my door and stepped onto my driveway.

Of course, the driveway had needed new gravel too, but Parker had been only too happy to help. He loved having a “pet project” to keep him occupied in his spare time.

“Wow,” she said as she climbed out of the car and met me at the front door.

“Do you like it?” I asked I slowly opened the door.

“It’s beautiful, Chase.”

“Thank you. I’ll be sure to tell Parker you appreciate all his hard work.”

“Parker?” she seemed confused.

I forgot she was new to town.

“Parker Williams, my cousin. He’s engaged to Em, the girl behind the bar at The Mermaid. The landlady, actually.”

“Oh, I see. And he did some work for you around here?”

“You could say that,” I replied as I led her into the hallway.

I heard another low appreciative whistle. It made me happy to hear and to see a look of awe sweep across her face.

“I won’t be long. Take a seat,” I said as I directed her to the lounge.

“Wow. I could fit my whole apartment in here. Well, I say apartment, it’s more like a shoebox.”

I watched as her eyes swept over the lounge. I could tell she liked what saw.

“Get comfy, I’ll be back shortly.”

I made my way upstairs to shower in my en-suite.

***

The water was running hot when I stepped under the spray from the shower head fitted in the ceiling. The wet-room had to be one of my favourite rooms in the house. I had told Parker I wanted a luxurious shower and he had provided one that I was over the moon with.

As I showered, I thought about the beautiful woman in my lounge. From her fiery red hair, to her mesmerising ocean blue eyes, to those luscious full lips. From head to toe, she was one sexy woman. The best thing about her had to be the way she didn’t realise how beautiful she was. She didn’t see the way men looked at her. And good for me she hadn’t noticed me giving guys the evil eye if I caught them staring at her.

I want to make Alyssa mine, but the question is how.

I started to get hard as I thought about her. Damn, this was not good. I can’t get out of the shower with a hard-on. Thinking about her was making me harder and thus making it harder for the stiffness to subside.

I tried in vain to think of something, anything else. Nothing was working.

I turned the shower to cold and concentrated on the water as it hit me like heavy rainfall.

***

I got dressed and made my way downstairs.

There she was, sitting on my couch. She looked at home on the end of my corner-suite. She was facing away from me, looking lost in the tranquillity of the lounge. It was another of my favourite rooms, for that very reason—you could sit there in the peace and quiet, undisturbed by the world outside.

I cleared my throat quietly to announce my arrival without making her jump.

“Chase,” she said as she looked at me. Was she appraising the way I looked?

“Hi,” I said as I made my way further into the room.

Her eyes followed me. She was definitely looking me over from head to toe, but trying to be crafty about it.

The heated look in her eyes made me twitch. I needed a stiff drink. If she was going to keep looking at me that way, there was no way I could discreetly rearrange myself in my boxers.

I walked over to the cabinet in which I kept my scotch, amongst other things.

I took hold of the decanter and drew out a glass.

“I’d offer you one, but you’re driving,” I said with a small smile in her direction.

“I’d love a glass of water, if that’s okay.”

“Sure.”

I walked through the large lounge-dining room and into the kitchen. Alyssa followed closely behind.

“This is a stunning property, Chase. A true home. Sometimes a house is just where you live, but sometimes it’s a real home. You know what I mean?”

“Yeah. I got Parker to knock through from the lounge to the dining room so there was more space. Plus a lot of other adjustments throughout. I’ve really and truly made this place mine. I should give you a guided tour.”

“That would be nice.”

She smiled at me and her eyes glistened like beautiful ocean waves.

Another involuntary twitch had me shifting as subtly as I could.

I wanted this woman. I wanted her a lot. But not just in a carnal way. I wanted her to be mine in every way.

I placed her water on the kitchen island and reached my hand for hers. She placed her hand in mine, looking a little confused.

“Let’s begin the tour here,” I said smiling at her as she slipped her hand into mine and I entwined our fingers.

“This is an extension to the property. Parker asked what I wanted for my kitchen and I said I wanted space to cook, to enjoy breakfast in a morning—hence the breakfast bar—and I wanted it to be big and open to make the most of the sunlight.”

“Well, he sure did a great job. It’s amazing in here.”

I looked at her and could see the truth of her statement. Her eyes wandered around the large space.

“Let’s get on with the tour,” I said as I led her from the kitchen into the hallway.

I opened the door to my very favourite room in the house. My library.

Alyssa’s gasp was audible as she crossed the threshold.

I stood and watched as her eyes scanned the walls of bespoke shelves. She saw the ladder at the end of one of the walls and then looked higher. She hadn’t expected to see what I had done to the room. Or rather what Parker had done.

She took in the sight of the wrought iron spiral staircase and let my hand go as she slowly walked towards it.

Her palm grazed the finial at the end of the banister and she looked up in awe.

“Go ahead,” I urged.

She climbed the stairs carefully and when she reached the top, she saw yet more walls adorned with bespoke shelves. There was a comfy bat wing chair in one corner by the window. There was also a love seat in front of the window itself. There was a desk and chair along one wall and a globe that had been a gift from my grandfather.

“Chase, this is…It’s…I’m speechless,” came that beautiful voice over the banister.

“I know, right?”

I made my way up to her.

“I was going to finish the tour of the downstairs first, but now that you’re up here, we might as well see upstairs.”

I took her hand again, marvelling at how soft her skin was against mine.

I led her to the first guest bedroom. It’s safe to say she was impressed. If this was her reaction to a guest bedroom, I couldn’t wait to show her my own room.

We had a short tour of the bathroom with the deep, claw footed tub and the large walk-in shower. Then I showed her the other guest room before leading her into my room.

“Oh my!” she gasped as she took in the glass wall.

I had asked Parker to make one wall completely out of glass. There was a great view on the other side of it. I had long curtains to be drawn at night, but in the day, the room absorbed so much sunlight. I showed her my en-suite wet room and she looked like she might pee herself in excitement.

I envisioned her naked in my wet room, then walking out into my bedroom, a towel loosely wrapped around her. She would trail across to my bed, towel herself dry, and then allow her wet hair to fall loosely around her shoulders. She would stand naked at the end of my wrought iron four-poster bed and I would trail feather light kisses from head to toe.

I have to stop thinking these things, at least while she’s here to see what reaction my thoughts prompt.

I subtly adjusted myself while her back was turned to me.

“Chase!”

Alyssa span round to face me and the look in her eyes could only be described as hunger.

Shit. Shit, shit, shit! What an idiot! What I thought had been a subtle readjustment had been seen in the reflection of the window.

Alyssa sauntered toward me, that hungry look growing ever deeper in her eyes. They were now a darker shade of blue.

She rested one palm against my chest and I could feel my heart bursting out of my chest at the feel of her warmth.

I couldn’t help but remember the taste of her kiss, the smell of her creamy skin. There is something so beautiful about her, it’s not just about her looks. No, it’s deeper than that. She’s beautiful inside and out.

Suddenly my arm wrapped around her waist and drew her to me. It wasn’t my intention, but I wasn’t thinking with my brain.

Alyssa wrapped an arm around my neck. She pressed up against my body and I was captivated by the look in her eyes. She’s definitely a force to be reckoned with.

I leaned in to her, the intoxicating smell of her making me dizzy. I wanted to drown in the scent of her.

A moment later, her lips crashed over mine as she led me into a kiss that made my toes curl. I sought out her tongue and tasted her for the second time since we met. This kiss was something else. There was lust, and something else in it.

I brought my hands to her waist and she wrapped her other arm around my neck.

The kiss deepened as she groaned against my mouth and her body relaxed a little, as though there had been a tension, a nervousness when she initiated the kiss.

My lips left hers and travelled down one side of her neck. I nipped at, then licked at her ear, eliciting small gasps from her as she moved her hands to lift the bottom of my sweater.

The feel of her hands against the small of my back had me straining at the front of my jeans. Boy, if this was what a small touch from her could bring, what on Earth could I expect if we were to go further?

Alyssa made quick work of removing my sweater and then returned her lips to mine in a frantic kiss. Her hands travelled up and down my chest for a moment before doing the same on my back. Her nails scratched lightly, making me moan into her mouth as I returned her fervent kiss.

I found the zip at the side of her dress and slowly undid it. I didn’t want to come on too strong and make her change her mind. Turns out I was too slow for her liking because she batted away my hand and unzipped it herself.

She slipped her dress to the floor, revealing a soft, lacy bra and matching panties.

I took a moment to step away and admire her but she pulled me back into the kiss and ran her nails down my back, having cottoned on to what drives me wild.

Standing there in more clothes than her seemed to bother Alyssa, so she made short work of undoing my belt, button, zip fly, and pulled my jeans down my legs. She moaned as she felt what was waiting for her.

I stepped out of my jeans and kicked them aside. I moved Alyssa to the side of the bed so I could get to the top drawer of the bedside table.

We stumbled slightly, but I put my arm around Alyssa’s waist and pulled her flush to my chest.

I sought out the foil packet from the drawer whilst nipping and licking at her ear lobe and kissing my way down her elegant throat.

Alyssa brought me down on the bed on top of her and I managed to snag the packet I was looking for in time.

I braced myself above Alyssa with my palms on the bed. Looking down, I could see those dark blue pools luring me in. Her face was bright with a dazzling, yet sexy smile. Looking over her body, hidden only by sheer panties and bra, I couldn’t resist running my hand down her side. She giggled as she writhed under my scrutiny and at the feel of my touch. I was growing ever harder with each moment that passed and if I wasn’t careful, I would come before I was even inside her. I didn’t want that, so I lay the foil packet to one side of her. I knelt on the floor and instinctively she opened her legs, welcoming me.

I wanted to prolong these moments with this goddess of a woman so I ran my hands down her legs, from her knees to the edge of her panties. Then I kissed her from one knee to the edge of her panties and the same on the other side.

“Oh Chase!” she whispered.

I could feel her body writhing and hear her panting—it was such an adrenaline rush—there’s no better feeling than knowing you bring someone else pleasure.

I put my mouth over her opening over the outside of the panties that were driving me wild and she moaned a little louder. It was a kind of mewling noise, it was like music to my ears.

My fingers deftly found their way under the sheer material and I felt how moist she already was for me. I continued to softly kiss her inner thigh as my one finger teased her clit before swirling at her entrance, then plunging inside her. She was so wet already and it felt good knowing it was my doing.

As I plunged my finger inside her, her moans ratcheted up and that was incentive enough to keep going. I moved aside and slid her panties around her knees, then dropped them to the floor when she kicked them off. I swiftly removed by boxers, springing me from the material I was straining against only moments before.

I fisted my cock as I tried to restrain myself from standing up and plunging right into her. I wanted this to last for as long as possible, but I could feel the pre-come that glistened on my head. I had to focus my attention back where it belonged.

As I plunged two fingers inside her, Alyssa moaned loud and long. Her beautiful body writhed on my bed and I couldn’t have been happier. I couldn’t wait any longer, I had to know what she tasted like. My lips were on her in an instant—she tasted like honeydew and I couldn’t get enough.

The sound of my name being moaned into the night was beyond a turn-on. I plunged my fingers into her one last time before standing and looking down at Alyssa.

I climbed onto the bed next to her and tore open the foil packet. Before I could get any further, Alyssa rolled over and ran her tongue over the head of my cock. She ran her hand down the length of my shaft and back.

“Alyssa,” I groaned loudly as she repeated the gesture with a little harder grip.

She knelt on the bed and came around in front of me. I sat back on my heels as she put her mouth over me and found a rhythm that suited both her hand and mouth. I fisted my hand in her hair and gladly let her carry on.

“Alyssa, I can’t hold out much longer if you keep this up!”

She mumbled something that sounded like sorry, but didn’t stop what she was doing.

I pulled back a little, not wanting this to end, but not wanting to come before being inside her. I needed her now more than ever. I had wanted this woman since I met her and I couldn’t wait any more. She was here, in my bed, and I didn’t know if or when that would happen again—as much as I wanted it to—she might feel differently.

I sat up a little and Alyssa let up on her very sensual assault on me.

“I want you, Alyssa. I want you so much.”

Next thing I knew, Alyssa was slipping a small circle of rubber over my length before lying back and pulling me with her. She slipped her hand between us and guided me into her. Taking my time, I savoured every moment.

I slowly pushed inside her, the warmth of her walls surrounding me felt like Heaven.

Alyssa wrapped her legs around me. Her hands found their way to my back and she scratched a little deeper than before, making me groan in her ear as I bent to kiss her neck.

She pulled me close, her hands on my ass. I was as deep inside her as I could get. The feeling of her warmth around me and the kisses she was trailing along my jawline had me growing harder, if that was possible.

Frantic nips at my jaw and neck had me plunging harder and faster inside her. The fact that she was so hot and wet, along with her moans into the night made for a heady combination. I lifted her ass from the bed, cupping it in my hands as I fucked her harder and faster, my own moans mingling in the air with hers. The faster and deeper I pushed, the deeper she scratched her way down my back.

“Oh fuck!” she exclaimed as I moved her legs over my shoulders to try for a deeper angle.

This woman was going to be my undoing. Every stroke of her pussy over my cock made me sure.

As I looked down her body, I realised there was one thing I was missing. I made quick work of undoing her bra, freeing her beautiful breasts. I saw her taut nipples and my hands made their way to play with them.

Little gasps from her beautiful lips had me seeking a way to get her to moan louder. I bent down and sucked one nipple into my mouth. I bit her gently.

“Fuck, Chase. Oh my god!”

I moved my mouth to her other nipple and played with the other as I kneaded her breast in my hand. I admit to having admired her breasts most every day at work, but seeing them naked, feeling them, tasting them, it couldn’t get better than that.

I plunged harder, faster, and lifted that pert ass even higher.

“Oh hell, Chase, I’m going to explode if you keep this up!”

“That’s exactly the plan, baby,” I replied as I thrust and stopped.

“Why did you stop?” she panted out.

“You’ll see,” I promised.

“Kiss me!” she demanded.

I caved into her demand and claimed her mouth with mine. I could taste the mixture of her pussy juices with those from my cock. If I died right now, goodness knows it would be one of the best ways to go.

Alyssa fisted her hand in the back of my hair and pulled me closer.

I continued to play with her breasts while she fucked my mouth with her tongue.

I pulled away and saw the fire in her gaze. Those pools were dark and filled to the brim with lust.

I slowly started to move inside her once more. I couldn’t keep going so slow, it would be the death of me. So I upped the pace and Alyssa’s hips matched my rhythm, urging me to pump faster.

I was already so close to coming but when she called my name on a low moan and started raking her nails down my back again, I thrust harder and faster. Alyssa’s hips met my rhythm and I was beginning to come undone.

“Come for me, Alyssa,” I whispered.

Little did I know that would be our undoing, together.

Chapter Fourteen

Alyssa

You know how they say you have this ‘after sex glow’ about you? Well, that was me as I drove Chase back to The Mermaid.

Chase kept looking at me on the drive, I could feel his gaze on me as though it was a tangible thing I could reach out and touch.

I could still feel the sensations of his tongue on and in me, the warmth of his body pressed against mine. His kisses were tender, yet there was an urgency about them. I put a hand to my mouth as I revelled in thoughts of us kissing with the juices of each other mingling on our breath.

As I pulled into the car park in front of the pub, Chase put his hand on my thigh, halting me from getting out of the car.

“Alyssa,” he whispered.

I looked at him and saw my own thoughts and feelings reflected. I couldn’t keep denying how I felt about this man. But what did I feel? Was I attracted to him? Unquestionably! Did I want to see where this went? That brought more questions than my brain could process. Questions I didn’t want to answer yet. I wanted to bask in the glow a little longer. But I couldn’t lead him on.

“Chase, can we not talk about this? I mean, let’s just enjoy tonight and we can talk another time.”

“Okay.”

He let out a sigh, seeming a little disappointed.

“I’m not pushing you away, and I’m not denying I’m glad that happened. I just want to enjoy this a little longer before we actually air everything.”

“I only wanted to say how beautiful you looked. I didn’t want to get into a serious talk either.”

“Oh.”

I could feel the blush as it crept up my neck and spread across my cheeks like wildfire.

“I’m sorry, I—”

“Don’t worry about it,” he cut in and placed a hand on my cheek.

I was hypnotised by his gaze and the hint of a Brazilian accent. His eyes were the most gorgeous green with little flecks of gold dust in them.

Looking him over, I certainly couldn’t deny there was a chemistry between us. The way he made me laugh, his genuine kindness, and of course the sex. Oh my god, the sex was amazing. Mind-blowing. I closed my eyes as I recalled the fire he lit within me.

A light kiss was placed over my lips and then I heard his car door open. His warmth withdrew as he exited the car. He came round to my door and opened it for me. Who said chivalry was dead?

We walked to the door of the pub and Chase opened it, waving his hand for me to enter before him.

The party was still going strong. Either people were excited for Chase to get the promotion he deserved, or they just liked an excuse for a good party. Maybe it was a little of both.

Clark was sat talking to Jenny as I made my way to the bar. I ordered a round of drinks and invited Chase to join us. He declined, saying that he had been gone from the party and should really make the rounds to mingle with people. I won’t deny I felt a bit stung by his rejection, but I’d be a hypocrite because I had done the same minutes before in the car.

I made my way to the table with drinks for Clark and Jenny as well as a glass of Pepsi for myself.

I plastered a fake smile on my face and squeezed through the crowded tables to get to where they sat.

“Hey!” Clark greeted as he stood to take the drinks from me.

“Hey,” I said in a false cheerful tone.

“We wondered where you guys had got to. You’ve been gone for ages.”

“Oh, well, we had to get Lexi home. When we got to hers, she was in a bit of a state, so I put her in the shower, got her a glass of water and helped her into some nightwear. Then I helped her into bed and stayed a few minutes to make sure she was going to be okay alone. We left when she fell asleep. Then we went by Chase’s house so he could get showered and changed. The smell probably won’t leave my car for days. Then I got side-tracked when Chase gave me a grand tour of his gorgeous home. He has a library, I mean a real library with a wrought iron spiral staircase.”

Okay, I was babbling. I tend to have a case of severe word vomit when I get nervous. I didn’t want to give the game away, but I couldn’t think of how to explain the amount of time we had been gone.

“A library? Wow. Sounds cool!” Jenny chimed in.

“Yeah, it was the most gorgeous room in the entire house. We entered downstairs at first, but then the staircase led to an upper level and it was just… stunning! There was an old comfy bat wing chair, a loveseat in the window. I couldn’t believe my eyes. He even had wrought iron ladders to go with his bespoke shelves.”

“Oh wow! I am so jealous. That’s the sort of thing I would do if I had the money,” Jenny replied.

“Sounds awesome,” Clark said.

“It was.”

“I remember when Parker, his cousin, came into the store for things and would make special orders for things we didn’t stock. They did that house up slowly but surely. I haven’t been since he got it finished.”

“Yeah, he said Parker was in construction.”

“He’s one of the store’s best customers. Has been for a long time.”

I was glad the conversation was going in this direction. This, I could cope with.

***

The rest of the night passed with idle chitchat and some flirting between Clark and Jenny.

I didn’t see Chase for the remainder of the night, at least not to speak to. I noticed him making his rounds to talk to friends and work colleagues. He looked happy, but if you looked a little closer there seemed to be something bubbling under the surface.

I didn’t like to think that I had inadvertently hurt him. Was I being self-absorbed, assuming that it was because of me? Was he even hurting or was it my imagination? I needed to talk to him, but not in the pub.

I drove Clark home and took Jenny with us.

“Thanks for the lift, Lys,” Clark said after we dropped Jenny off.

“We both know it’s not out of my way,” I replied as I kept my eyes on the road.

“This is truly a sweet ride,” he said, gesturing to my gorgeous new car.

“Yeah, I’m glad the money came through from the house. You still on for helping me house hunt next week?”

“Sure thing. If you can get a house as sweet as this car, you’ll be laughing!”

I chuckled quietly. Clark really is one of the best friends a girl could wish for. He had taken my mind off the events that unfolded tonight without even knowing he was doing it.

“Jenny seems sweet on you,” I changed the subject.

“She’s a really great girl,” he replied quietly.

I chanced a look at him and saw him blush a rosy colour.

“She’s perfect for you. She works at Emerging Butterfly, you know.”

“Yeah, she filled me in while you were gone.”

“So?” I prompted.

“So, what?” He wasn’t biting tonight.

“Oh come on, Clark, we share everything, I want details.” Well, we don’t share quite everything. The mind-blowing orgasms I’d had at the hands of Chase remained my secret.

“Okay, okay. I asked her out on a date next Saturday and she agreed.”

His smile almost cracked his face open.

“That’s brilliant. Aw, you two will make such cute babies.”

“Umm…” His blush came back.

“Sorry, I know, too early. But I’m a woman, we think about these things way ahead of time.”

I had always wanted children but Ethan hadn’t wanted to burden a child with ALS. We both knew that in 90 per cent of cases, ALS isn’t hereditary, but Ethan didn’t want our child to fall in the other 10 per cent. Plus, we were a little too young to be having children. We wanted careers and other stuff first. Now we’d never know if our child would have been okay. We’d left it too late. Ethan’s ALS had been fast onset and he had declined quite quickly.

“Lys, we’re here!” Clark pointed out, bringing my mind out of the past.

“Sorry, I was just thinking.”

I pulled up just outside Clark’s house. In all the time we’d been friends, I hadn’t yet been inside his house. Friday nights when we had a takeaway and a movie were always at mine.

“Go home and get some rest, you look tired,” Clark said as he made to open his door.

“I’m pretty exhausted.” Not to mentioned sated, but that was for me to revel in when I lay in bed tonight, remembering the night’s events.

Clark gave me a friendly peck on the cheek and hopped out of the car.

“Enjoy your lie-in. I’ll call you,” he said as he closed the door and I opened the window.

“I will. Thanks for a nice night. I’m glad you hit it off with Jenny.”

“Me too!” he called with a wave as he stepped up to his front door.

I watched as he went inside, then drove away.

I drove home, but dreaded walking into the shithole I lived in. I look forward to the day I can move, but I have to find somewhere first. There are a couple of possibilities that Clark and I are checking out. I hope one of them turns out to be “the one”.

Chapter Fifteen

Chase

I got out of the cab and opened my front door. I stopped for a moment as I remembered what had transpired the last time I was home. Alyssa. The beautiful, fiery red-head with a sassy attitude and an incredible body.

I hadn’t stopped thinking about her all night. I had made my rounds in the pub, but had been careful not to interact with her after how we left things in the car. I got that she didn’t want everyone to know. Jeez, I didn’t exactly want to broadcast it either. Not because I’m embarrassed, more because I am a private person, especially when it comes to my love life or lack thereof.

I can still smell her scent in the house, on my skin, on my clothes. If I close my eyes, I can conjure up an image of her beautiful, creamy smooth skin. I had explored a large area of exposed skin, but there’s still more to be explored if she’s willing to let me. As I conjure up an image of her breasts, my cock twitches.

I walk upstairs to my room and strip naked, ready for my second shower of the night.

The water beats hard against my skin as I close my eyes and conjure up image after image of the woman I have been obsessed with since I met her. My hand automatically reaches for my cock as it hardens when I think of each part of that amazing body.

From her fiery red hair, to her ocean blue eyes, to the full mouth, pert breasts, and ass. Oh my god, it’s like I can still taste the sweetness of our mixed juices on her tongue as she fucked my mouth with it.

My cock hardens even more and begs to be touched. Only it’s not my touch it’s begging me for. I want Alyssa again. She is the most extraordinary woman I have ever met. I stroke my cock and lean my head back against the wall. My eyes close of their own accord and I remember the feeling of Alyssa’s warm wet walls surrounding me, milking me for all I am worth. Her pussy was tight, hot, and wet. Every man’s fantasy is to look down at a body like hers beneath them—only, for me this was no fantasy. I had been lucky enough to have the real thing earlier this very evening.

Stroking myself was nowhere near as much fun, but the images my mind retained helped me to get my release. I sagged against the wall, sated yet wanting more. I lowered myself to the floor and sat below the steady stream of water. The beads of water hitting my back relaxed me. They released a tension in my muscles that I hadn’t realised was there.

I walked out of my wet room and realised how exhausted I was. I towel dried myself and walked to my king size bed. I laid my towel over the chair next to the bed and crawled in under the covers. I turned off the lamp and lay there thinking about what had happened in this bed earlier.

How could I make Alyssa see that we’d make a good couple? That was the question I fell asleep uttering.

Chapter Sixteen

Alyssa

I crawled into bed, pulled the covers to my chin, and lay awake wondering what would come from tonight. Every action has its consequence. I knew that by now. But what would Chase expect from me? Anything? Nothing? Everything? And what would I be able or willing to give him?

Lys, you were my best friend, my soul mate and so much more. I believe we’ll see each other again someday when our souls reincarnate. But for now, I am out of time and out of goodbyes. I can’t say the word, it seems so final.

I want you to know that one day, when you least expect it, you will find love again and it is with my blessing. I want someone to give you everything that I never got time to give you. Children. A house with a white picket-fence. A dog. I know, such cliché things, but I want you to promise me you will live on and you will live life to its fullest. I want you to embrace each day as though it were a friend and welcome the comfort the night brings.

I woke with sweat covering every inch of me. I had dreamed of the note Ethan had left me. His ALS meant he couldn’t hold a pen properly to write, but he could type slowly. Finding the note had torn me apart. The words that replayed in my head taunted me. He told me he wanted me to love again. But surely he hadn’t meant so soon? Could I fall for Chase?

I got out of bed and retrieved a cigarette and my lighter. I opened the window and sat on the windowsill. The nicotine didn’t help me think straighter or anything, it was something I did when I was stressed or upset about something. I had learnt to keep some in a drawer for when my nightmares occurred. There was something about the act that soothed me and helped me focus on the here and now instead of the dreams that haunted me.

I finished my cigarette and sat looking out into the night, or the early hours of the morning, I wasn’t sure. There was something so tranquil about the neighbourhood. Sure, I hated this pokey little bedsit, but I could be happy here in Brockwood.

I shut the window and got back into bed. I pulled the covers around me like a cocoon and drifted into a dreamless sleep.

***

The next morning, I got up and went straight into the kitchen. A good strong coffee was called for. I opened the cabinet and retrieved my caramel lattes. I boiled the kettle and got some bread out to make myself some toast.

I sat at my small dining table and ate my peanut butter on toast. The caramel latte delighted my taste buds and everything seemed okay. For now, at least.

I had nothing particular planned for the day, so I sent a text to Jenny asking if she’d had a good night. She replied saying she had and that she was grateful for me introducing her to Clark. I asked if she wanted to meet for a coffee in the week and she eagerly agreed. Girly gossip was something I lacked these days. I missed my best friend from back home. Phylis is the greatest. She makes you laugh until you cry. She has the best gossip and always knows what to say to me. Of course, Phylis isn’t her real name. Her name is Justine, but when we first met, we were talking about something—I completely forget what—and I called her a philistine. From that, I decided her nickname should be Phylis. Her husband Gage and I found it hilarious how she reacted the first time I referred to her that way. Needless to say she didn’t react well. But over time, she had come to expect me to call her by her new nickname and was more comfortable with it.

Thinking about Phylis made me text her. I hadn’t caught up with her since my move. She had sent me a couple of texts, but I couldn’t talk to her as well as I used to. Before Ethan’s death, the four of us went everywhere together. Ethan and Justine were twins, born only a couple of minutes apart and Gage was his best friend, so it was always fun to hang around together. If we went anywhere without each other, people in town would ask where the others were.

I was desperate to get my friendship with her back on track and could only hope that she was still the ever patient woman I knew and loved. Sure, it had only been a few months since I left, but that didn’t excuse my lack of contact with my best friend and sister-in-law.

It was hard to think of what to say to her. I had lost my husband but she had lost her twin, the other half of her. They were so close that it was almost like she had lost part of herself when he died.

Chapter Seventeen

After a day of leisure—I hadn’t done more than read and catch-up on some programmes I had missed—I was settling in for the night with a DVD and a small bottle of wine, there was a knock on the front door.

I was too comfy to move but I paused my film, grumpily huffed out of the blanket, and trudged to the front door.

Upon opening the front door, I received a shock.

“Justine!” I squealed as she launched herself at me and wrapped me in a bear hug.

“Oh my god! It is so good to see you, girl!” she replied as I wrapped my arms firmly around her.

“Same! Let’s get in out of the cold, shall we?”

I moved aside for her to roll in the suitcase she had behind her. I couldn’t believe she was here. When she had texted me back, she made no mention of coming to see me. And she must have already been on her way, considering how long a journey it was from Portsmouth to Brockwood.

“Why didn’t you tell me you were coming?” I asked as I went to retrieve another wine glass.

“I wanted it to be a surprise. I have let you have time to settle in and get adjusted, but I couldn’t wait any longer!”

I poured her a glass of wine and handed it to her as she sat on the small couch.

“I’m so happy to see you. How long are you intending to stay? Where are you staying? Where are Gage and the kids?”

“Woah! One question at a time, girl! Firstly, I don’t know how long I’m staying, I haven’t got a specific time frame. Secondly, I had hoped I could stay with you—but then I thought you might be living somewhere bigger. And as for Gage and the kids, well, they’re at home.”

She sipped her wine and looked around the pokey little room I was living in. “Nice place,” she snorted.

“Yeah, it was all I could afford at the time, but the money from the sale of the house has come through and I can finally house-hunt now,” I replied, taking a seat next to her.

“Well, you know what I have to say about that.”

“No, I don’t. Feel free to fill me in.”

This was going to be a long night.

“You should never have moved. That house you sold was where you and Ethan had the best times. Your memories were all tied up there. You should be back home close to your family and friends. We miss you.”

“That is exactly why I moved. The memories were too much. Sure, we had some great times in that house, but those memories are in my head and that’s where they’ll stay. The fact is, I just couldn’t be somewhere that reminded me of what I had lost. Every building knew his name, every photograph was a painful stab in my heart. You don’t know what it’s liked to be widowed, it’s utterly devastating.”

“Which is why you need your family and friends!” she said helping herself to another glass of wine.

“I stayed for two years after he died, Phylis.” I hoped using my nickname for her would put a smile on her face.

“And?” she crossed her arms and gave me a rather condescending look.

“And I had enough. I failed. I couldn’t cope. I fell apart over and over again. My life was wonderful when Ethan was alive. He made every day a good one. He turned every frown upside-down. But when I lost him, I felt like a piece of me died with him. I tried sticking around, I tried really hard to pick up the pieces and carry on, but it was impossible. Everywhere I turned, every thought in my head, were all consumed by Ethan. By death.”

The tears began to fall from my eyes and the look on my best friend’s face softened.

“I know how hard it was, Lys, he was my brother and I know how hard it hit me. But regardless of that, you know we were all there for you, you could have come to any one of us at any time.”

“I know but I didn’t want to only get on with my life because I had people around me. I had to get on with life for myself.”

“Lys…” she trailed off.

“Phylis, we will have to just agree to disagree on this point. You have your views and I have mine. I know you mean well, and I love you dearly, but I am not moving back home if that’s what you’ve come to ask me.”

“No, I haven’t come to try and pressure you to come home. I have come so I can understand why you did what you did and to see how you are getting on with your new life.”

“Okay, well, you’ll see that I’m happy here. I have friends, a good job…I just need to move out of here and I’ll be set.”

“How’s house-hunting going?”

Thank goodness she was changing the subject. I didn’t want to fight with my best friend on her first night here.

“There are a couple of nice places I’ve found and am going to view. You are more than welcome to tag along.”

“Great. So, friends…Who? How do you know them? And when can I meet them?”

“Well, there’s Clark, he works at the local hardware store. I met him when I went to get some camping supplies for this place. When I moved in, there was furniture but I didn’t want to sleep in the bed, so I bought a sleeping bag for the top. There’s Emily, who runs The Mermaid Inn just down the road. I guess there’s also Lexi, who works at Emerging Butterfly with me—though she seems a bit of a daddy’s little princess.”

I didn’t mention Chase. I wasn’t sure how she’d take it. I knew she’d probe and I’d end up confessing that we’d slept together. Sitting here not telling her the whole truth felt like I was betraying her, but I just couldn’t get into it right now.

“I’m so glad you’ve made some friends here and that you’re settling in. I won’t lie, I wish you were back home, but that’s not going to happen and I accept your choice.”

I breathed a small sigh of relief.

“Thank you.”

“Is there any more wine?” she asked, gesturing to the now empty bottle.

“Nope. I’m a single woman having a night in with a film and a bottle of wine. I’m not a wino. I don’t have a cupboard full of the stuff.”

I couldn’t help but laugh at the pout on her face.

“We could go out and get more…” she suggested.

“Yes, but I have an early start tomorrow.”

“Party pooper!” She elbowed me and I laughed.

“Sorry, but you’re welcome to the coffee in the kitchen, and you can make me one while you’re at it.”

“Oh my goodness, I’ve been here for five seconds and you want me to be your skivvy already?” she exclaimed in mock indignation.

The rest of the night was quiet and uneventful. We watched the DVD I had already started, drank coffee, and talked about my work, friends, and how much we had missed each other. She told me that Gage had offered to look after the children at home so that she could come on her own instead of them all turning up at my front door. She realised now what a good choice that had been, considering how small this place is.

I told her how close Clark and I had become and when she asked if there was anything in it, I was thankful I could say that I had set him up with Jenny. I still didn’t mention Chase. I didn’t see the point. I’d tell her about him soon, but not just yet.

***

I woke up the next morning to the smell of coffee. Justine had made breakfast, or what could pass as breakfast with what was in my cupboard. I sat up in bed and smiled at her as she brought me a steaming mug of caffeine. Just what I needed.

“So, what time do you have to be at work?” she asked as I inhaled the aromas coming from my mug.

“Nine o’clock,” I replied as I took a big gulp of coffee and got out of bed.

“Is there anything around here to keep me occupied?”

“Well, there’s the shopping centre. But other than that, not really.”

I hadn’t thought about her free time while I was at work. There wasn’t really much she could do. But thanks to Clark, there was a catalogue of DVDs to watch.

“Okay, well, I’ll just stay here and try to find something to keep me busy,” she replied as she gestured for me to sit at the small dining room table and eat my breakfast.

“Thanks for this.”

“It’s nothing. You put me up for the night so it’s the least I can do.”

I ate my scrambled egg on toast and drank another mug of coffee before getting dressed for work. I heard Justine singing along to Maroon 5, her favourite band, as she washed up the plates.

“You really don’t have to do that,” I said as I opened the door into the tiny kitchen.

“Well I’ve done it now so tough.” She bobbed her tongue out at me as she put the last fork on the draining board.

“Thank you.” I pulled her into a one armed hug so I didn’t get my work clothes wet.

“You look nice,” she said, looking me over.

“Thanks.”

“If I didn’t know better, I’d say you were dressing to impress.” She chuckled as she dried her hands and walked with me into the lounge.

I looked at my dress and smoothed non-existent wrinkles. I guess Little Miss Intuitive was on the ball this morning. Since the night I had spent with Chase, I had taken a little extra care getting ready in the morning and made sure to look as good as possible. Maybe I shouldn’t, after all I didn’t want to encourage him further, but it felt good to be looked at the way he looked at me. I could see his beautiful green eyes twinkling at me, flashing the small flecks of gold.

“Well, I’m glad you know better.” I laughed as I retrieved my bag and slipped my kitten heels on.

“Have a good day.”

“I’ll try. Oh and while I remember, here…” I handed her a spare key in case she decided to go out and investigate.

“Great, thanks. I’ll probably get cabin fever and at least want to go for a walk.”

“I’ll be home around five thirty. See you then.”

I placed a kiss on her cheek and slipped out of the front door.

Getting into my car, I smiled to myself. It felt so good to have my best friend here. We’d known each other since high school and had never spent as long apart as we had since I moved. It was good seeing her again.

I pulled up at work a few minutes later and lo and behold, who should be the first person I see? Mr Green Eyes.

“Good morning.” He smiled, flashing that adorable dimple.

“Good morning,” I said as I locked the car and headed for the door.

There was that anticipation and nervousness that left me with butterflies in my tummy. Feeling like a silly teenager with a secret, I walked into the building and headed for the elevator. Chase followed closely behind and I could smell the slight hint of cologne on him as he drew nearer. We walked into the elevator and no sooner had the door closed than Chase’s lips crashed over mine. Warm and tender, his full lips made my insides quiver and knees weak. His tongue sought entry into my mouth as I brought my hand up to the back of his neck and drew him closer. His one hand gripped my hair as he wrapped his other arm around me.

We shouldn’t be doing this. Not at work. Not at all. But it felt too good to put a stop to.

The elevator door opened, bringing our kiss to an abrupt end. I straightened my dress and ran my fingers through my hair. I watched as Chase smiled at me, casually running his hand through his own hair like nothing had happened. Oh he was good at playing it cool, you could just tell he had that way about him.

“Have a good day.” He winked and I saw a flash of that dimple before he walked down the corridor to his office.

I got to my office and heard a voice call my name as I opened the door. I turned and looked at Lexi. I hadn’t seen her since the other night when I had looked after her and put her to bed.

“I just wanted to say thank you.” She smiled shyly at me.

“For what?” I asked, letting her into my office.

“For taking such good care of me the other night. I know I was pretty drunk, but I remember that it was you who was there to hold my hair back while I was sick and you got me changed into my nightwear, tucked me into bed. You were very compassionate and I am extremely grateful.”

“Think nothing of it!”

I logged onto my computer and put my bag down.

“Seriously, Alyssa, I made a total ass of myself and I am so sorry.”

“No, you didn’t, don’t worry about it.”

I looked over at her and saw a look flit across her face. She was ashamed.

“Let’s get a coffee,” I suggested.

“That would be good,” she replied as we walked down to the little kitchenette to make ourselves a drink.

“You know, I’ve been blind drunk and not known how I’ve got home. We all do in our youth. We don’t really know what our boundaries are, how much alcohol we can handle, until we go beyond that point.”

“I used to do it all the time when I was younger, but I’m twenty-five years old now and I know better.”

“Life would be dull if we were all goody-two-shoes. What good is it if we can’t have a little fun occasionally?” I asked as I made us both a coffee.

“Well, you and Chase were good to me, getting me home and making sure I was safe. Thank you. I won’t do that again, don’t worry.”

It seemed I couldn’t make Lexi feel better about that night so I changed the subject.

“My best friend Justine has just come to town, is there anything we can do around here for fun?”

“Well, there’s the local cinema, the shopping centre, bowling…Not much excitement to be had, I guess. There’s a karaoke bar in town, if either of you enjoy listening to people singing out of key.”

“Hmm…I guess we could go bowling. Maybe you fancy coming along?”

“That would be good, thanks.”

A smile lit up Lexi’s face and I couldn’t help but reflect her. It’s always good to have something to smile about. Goodness knows I hadn’t had all that much in that department lately.

After coffee with Lexi, I got to work on some emails about potential acquisitions. I had read some great books recently and I hoped to get the authors to sign with Emerging Butterfly.

***

One long afternoon later and I was ready to go home and see what Justine had been up to. I could really use some girlie time. It was my own doing, the fact that we hadn’t done anything together lately. Now that she was here, I wanted to show her a good time because I didn’t know when I’d get to do it again. Living so far apart, she wouldn’t be able to come and see me very often. Of course, Gage and the boys were welcome to come with her any time she came, but that limited it to school holidays.

I got home and was greeted by a sparkling clean—but still a shithole—bedsit. The aromas assaulting my nose were that of good old home-cooking. Justine had a smile on her face that could brighten anyone’s day. I grabbed her in a firm hug and kissed her on the cheek.

“A girl could get used to coming home to this!” I nodded at the set table.

There was a bottle of red wine, opened to breathe. I could only assume that we were eating red meat because that’s the only time my bestie drinks red. She’s normally a Rose girl.

“Well, don’t get too used to it, I have to go home sometime you know, the boys would miss me. I bet while I’m gone Gage is letting them get their own way with everything. You know I’m the disciplinarian of the family.”

I couldn’t help but crack up laughing. Neither she nor Gage were overly strict with their boys. Cadan and Phoenix were as good as any kids could be. Justine was in stitches beside me as she tried to pour us a glass of wine.

As we ate her delicious beef bourguignon and drank the decent wine she’d managed to find when she went shopping, she told me about her day. She’d been shopping—obviously, otherwise there’d be no food—and she had bought plenty of cleaning supplies. She had then set about putting the food on to cook while she cleaned. I couldn’t help but smile at my truly beautiful, amazing friend. She was one of the most awesome people I knew.

We relaxed with another glass or two of wine as I told her about my day. I told her about Lexi’s suggestion to go bowling and she agreed it sounded like fun.

Chapter Eighteen

The rest of the week was so much fun. We watched cheesy films and ate buttered popcorn, we gave each other mani-pedis and we drank plenty of wine. I wouldn’t normally drink so much during the week, but it was a one-off, so I didn’t worry too much over it.

I didn’t bring up the subject of Chase, never sensing the right moment to tell her. Not that there would be a right time, per se, I just couldn’t bring myself to broach the subject. Ethan’s death had been a struggle for everyone to cope with, including Justine and Gage. We had known that ALS would do some awful things to his body, but none of us had been prepared for him to take his own life.

Friday night came and though it was normally my night in with Clark, he told me to make the most of having Justine with me. They’d met each other earlier in the week and she approved of him being my friend. They had the same sort of sense of humour and it made me happy to see my two friends get along so well.

I volunteered to be the designated driver, but Justine and Lexi wouldn’t hear of it. In the end, we got a cab to the Bowl-O-Rama. We were just putting our bowling shoes on when I heard that unmistakable, if only slight, Brazilian accent. I tried to hide my face by bending over to lace up my shoes, but Lexi shouted his name and waved. Great. Now to introduce my best friend to the one man I hadn’t wanted her to ever find out about.

“Justine, this is Chase,” I said as he came over with his friends.

“Justine, it’s a pleasure to meet you.” Chase proffered his hand to her and she shook it as she grinned at him. She might be married, but she wasn’t invulnerable to Chase’s dazzling smile, nobody was.

“How about we make this a boys versus girls thing?” Lexi piped up.

“Care to place a bet on it, honey?” A friend of Chase’s smiled at Lexi. You could see his eyes were bugging out of his head as he looked her over thoroughly.

“Hells yeah!” she replied too readily.

I really did not want to do this. I felt a little suffocated.

“Umm…” I struggled to swallow. “Wasn’t it supposed to be girls’ night out?”

“Yeah but this could be a giggle,” Lexi purred as she thoroughly eye-fucked the good looking guy.

“Yeah, Lys, lighten up. It doesn’t have to be the whole night, it can be just one game,” Justine chimed in.

Great. Even my bestie was agreeing. She was supposed to side with me, not Lexi and three strange guys.

I grudgingly put a plastic smile on my face and stood with the girls, ready to take on our opponents.

***

The first match went to our opponents, so the boys asked if we wanted to go for the best of three matches. Of course, Lexi agreed because she was busy flirting with Caine, the guy she had been eye-fucking since the moment he walked in.

Justine was up for it too, so I had no choice but to fall in line with my friends and agree.

The boys were quite a rowdy bunch, considering there was only three of them. They were drinking and flirting with us and the girls were lapping it up. Justine may just be mortified in the morning, but that was her lookout. She and Gage were happy, so she wasn’t going to do anything to jeopardise that, but she’s an outrageous flirt when she’s had a few drinks. Tonight, she’d had more than a few. We’d consumed a bottle of wine before we left, as well as the shots that Lexi came brandishing at us and calling us chickens if we didn’t have a few.

Chase was in top form tonight. He looked gorgeous in black jeans and a grey button down shirt that made his muscular body look truly mouth-watering. Every time he was up to bowl, my eyes couldn’t help but leisurely look him over when he bent down. God, he had a great ass! He had been chatting to me and we had gotten a few looks of bewilderment from Justine. Of course, I hadn’t told her about him before tonight and now she knew he was a work colleague, she thought that was all there was to it. If only I could tell her just how wrong she was. But I couldn’t tell her, wouldn’t tell her. There’s a reason I call her Phylis, she’s a philistine, and she wouldn’t understand that it was just a bit of harmless fun.

I wasn’t looking for anything serious with Chase. How could I? Ethan’s still the only man in my heart, I don’t have room for another. Nobody said anything about falling for each other, but if I felt even a twinge of something for him other than lust and great sex, I had promised myself I would walk away.

I looked over at Chase. He was up to bowl and I watched as he bent down with the purpose of showing me his ass. I ogled him as his lean, muscular form bent over the ball and his toned arm came back, ready to let the ball fly.

There was much yelling and high fiving from the lads as Chase bowled a strike.

I caught Chase’s eye and he winked at me. My heart fluttered a little in my chest and as I watched him take a long, slow perusal of my body as I got up to bowl, there was a warmth that ran through me. I strode with purpose to retrieve my ball and I wiggled my ass a little as I took my position. With the warmth of Chase’s stare causing goose bumps to break out on my skin, I let the ball fly and couldn’t help but feel victorious when I too bowled a strike.

Lexi got up to high five me and bumped my hip with hers.

“Well done, girl, we could still win this!” she exclaimed as she started towards the bar for another round.

Caine joined her after watching her ass as she walked by him. They talked in hushed tones as they moved further away from us. I wasn’t one hundred per cent sure what was going on between them, but they don’t call Lexi a man-eater for nothing. She always got her man. In fact, it seemed she always got just about anything she wanted. I’m sure someone would find a unicorn just for her if she asked.

I sat by Justine as the other guy of the group, Daniel, got up to take his turn. I turned my attention to my best friend and she had a look on her face that said I was in trouble. She wouldn’t say anything in front of people, because she wasn’t one for airing dirty laundry in public, but she would let me have it both barrels behind closed doors. I couldn’t figure out what I had done to deserve such a murderous stare, so I just took my drink in hand and sipped through the bendy straw, watching Daniel come up empty as he threw a gutter ball.

When the second game of the night was won by the girls, the boys didn’t look too happy. Now the final game meant it was all to play for.

***

After winning the third game, the boys were high-fiving each other and cat-calling us for losing.

“You know, we never did agree on what we were betting,” Caine piped up.

“Didn’t we?” Lexi purred, looking like she’d bet him money or anything else he wanted.

“No. We agreed a bet, but never specified what the winning team would get,” Caine smiled at her and lapped up all the attention he was getting as she ran her hand up and down his arm.

“Well, I think it’s the winner’s prerogative to now decide what exactly we won!” Chase chimed in with a mega-watt smile.

That dimple of his simply had me melting in a puddle, but I had to hold myself together with Justine watching. Something was a bit off about her now the game was over but I couldn’t put my finger on it.

“Sounds like a plan,” Caine replied as he huddled the lads together, I’m assuming to decide what it is they wanted.

After a hushed conversation, Chase looked over at the three of us girls and smiled a little devilishly. He was up to something, there was a naughtiness alight in his eyes.

“We want you girls to come clubbing with us,” Chase said as he looked over the small group. “But obviously, as we aren’t really dressed for that, it means going home and getting changed. We can meet you at Club Scarlett in an hour.”

“Sounds like a plan,” Lexi agreed on our behalf.

I didn’t really feel like going clubbing, but I didn’t want to spoil her night. Nor did I want to leave her alone with them. Even though I was sure the boys would take good care of her, I’m not the kind of person who allows a friend to go out alone. She needed back-up and tonight, that was me and Justine.

“Great, we’ll see you there.” Caine beamed a smile at her that could’ve split his face.

“You girls haven’t said much,” Chase said as he sidled up to me.

“We’ll be there, Chase.”

We looked in Justine’s direction—she smiled and nodded her agreement.

***

An hour and fifteen minutes later, we were outside the doors of Club Scarlett, queued up behind lots of younger women in skimpier clothing—if you could call some of it clothing, considering it looked more like something one might floss their teeth with.

We were late and freezing our asses off. I wondered where the boys were, but didn’t have to ponder that for long as I saw them in the distance, walking toward us.

Caine strolled up and put an arm round Lexi to help her stave off the cold a little. Daniel stood with his hands in his pockets, blowing out a breath you could see misting in the cold. Chase offered me his jacket and I gladly took it, mentally chastising myself for having chosen to come without one.

“May I just say, you ladies look amazing,” Chase said.

“Thank you,” Lexi replied, smiling as she snuggled closer to Caine—I suspected more out of flirting than actually being cold.

I rolled my eyes at her both because she had assumed Chase was talking to her and because she was flirting with Caine.

We watched the queue go down gradually and thankfully fifteen minutes later, we were stepping inside the club.

“Were you girls waiting long before we arrived?” Daniel asked.

“Not really. We were running a little late ourselves,” I replied as I handed the girl at the counter our fee to get in.

Caine paid the attendant too and we stepped inside as an instrumental version of “Rather Be” began to play.

“I love this song,” Lexi said as she pulled Caine straight to the dance floor.

“How about you girls, you fancy dancing?” Chase called over the music.

“Not to this, no. Maybe when something better comes on,” Justine answered as she took my hand and led me to the bar.

We had all had another glass or two of wine back at mine as we got changed, so we didn’t really need much more before we could officially say we were drunk.

“We’ll take two bottles of water please,” Justine told the bartender.

“Here, I’ll get these,” Chase offered as he leaned over to tell the bartender his order.

Another song I wasn’t too enamoured with came on and I was wondering why we’d even agreed to come here. I’d rather listen to my iPod, at least it’s all music I actually enjoy.

I could see Lexi in the distance with Caine. She seemed to be twerking. Damn, we couldn’t take this girl anywhere. Blame it on the alcohol or her complete lack of inhibitions even when she’s sober. I pointed her out to Justine, who cracked up laughing, spraying a little of the water she had just taken a sip of.

Chase and Daniel walked round with us to try and find somewhere to sit. After a few minutes, we finally found an unoccupied booth and settled ourselves in. We had a prime view of the dance floor and could see Lexi wasn’t the only woman letting her hair down.

I sat next to Chase as I sipped my water and watched the crowd dancing, completely surrendering themselves to the music. I wasn’t sure if I was imagining it, but it felt like Chase was watching me instead of looking at Daniel as they spoke in hushed tones.

All of a sudden, Daniel grabbed Justine’s hand and Chase grabbed mine. They pulled us to the dance floor. The DJ was playing “Wrapped Up” and Justine flashed me a grimace as we made our way over to small part of the dance floor that was unoccupied by sweaty bodies.

Chase took both my hands in his and twirled me around. As I spun, hands made their way to my waist and gently guided me to dance to the rhythm. The music changed and I let the rhythm take me over as I danced—maybe a little sensually for Chase’s eyes—to “Animals”. My hips swayed and I felt eyes set my exposed flesh on fire as he watched my every move.

It felt like forever before the song ended and I made my way back to our booth. Chase followed close behind me and took his seat next to me. Justine was still dancing with Daniel as another Maroon 5 tune played. She wouldn’t move from that spot while her favourite band were on. She and Daniel danced a polite distance apart, after all, she’s a married woman—very happily at that.

“You look hot as all hell in that outfit,” Chase whispered in my ear as he placed a series of soft, spine-tingling kisses down the side of my neck.

“Chase,” I whispered, “we can’t do that kind of thing here.”

His soft lips captured mine in a sweet kiss. I inhaled deeply and momentarily lost myself in the mixture of his cologne and the alcohol on his breath before I came to my senses and pulled away.

“Chase!” I pushed slightly away from him, this was way too public and way too close to Justine for my liking.

“What?” he asked in a mildly mocking tone.

“We can’t do this here, not tonight, not in front of my best friend.”

“Why?” He pouted, his eyebrows drawn down and his lips pinched together.

“We…we just can’t.”

I looked over to see Justine and Daniel no longer dancing, but also not walking towards us. That was good, maybe I had time to cool down from the flush that had crept from my neck to my face. I looked at Chase as I took his hand in mine under the table.

“Justine doesn’t know about us. She can’t know. That’s why we can’t do this tonight.”

“I see. Am I your dirty little secret?” He laughed.

“No, I just haven’t told her anything. It’s not like we’re a couple, so I haven’t had anything to tell her.”

Chase looked a little taken back by my words. What was he thinking? Maybe he thought because of what had happened, that we were a couple—or at least headed in that direction. Nobody ever makes a point of asking the question ‘will you go out with me?’ anymore, so maybe he assumed. I didn’t know and I didn’t have time to figure it out because Justine and Daniel came back carrying shots.

A song I recognised as being by The Vamps began to play and Justine began to sashay on the spot, spilling a little of our drinks. I took my shot from her, downed it in one, and headed for the dance floor.

“Vertigo” by Jason Derulo came on and I made my way through the crowd to dance on my own.

I felt like someone was boring holes in the back of my head, but I didn’t turn round as I continued to dance.

Lexi made her way over to me and we danced together as Caine left to get a drink. We didn’t talk, just danced in time to the music together, causing a few heads to turn our way. Ever the attention whore, Lexi ramped it up slightly by taking hold of me and running her hands up and down my arms as we moved.

“Side FX” began to play and that gave Lexi even more reason to sex it up with me as we moved our bodies to the beat.

Guys’ eyes were out on stalks as they watched, women were showing a little of the green-eyed monster and our group of friends were as transfixed as anyone. Chase’s eyes were roaming my body as Lexi ran her hands over me. The flush that crept across his face suggested he was getting more than a little turned on.

As the song ended, I made my way back to our group, holding Lexi’s hand and leading her from the dance floor.

Chase gave me a little wink as we got back to our booth. Justine just smiled along with the boys as they cat-called us for being so sexy.

***

As we made our way from the club an hour or so later to our waiting cab, we said goodbye to the boys. They all gave us all a peck on the cheek goodnight and Chase’s lasted a brief moment longer on my cheek. I didn’t want to leave him, but the girls were tired and wanted to head home.

The three of us made our way into my bedsit, laughing but trying to keep the volume down for the sake of the neighbours. Lexi fell to the couch and removed the five inch stilettos she had been wearing. Justine landed softly on my bed as she struggled to bend to undo her own stilettos. I had been the only one sensible enough to wear flat shoes and gladly my feet weren’t aching even after all the dancing we had done.

I headed to the kitchen and put on the coffee machine. It was safe to say that we all needed a little sobering up. I didn’t want anyone vomiting in the night. If there were stains on the carpet, I wouldn’t get my deposit back. Not that you’d notice an extra stain or two on this awful carpet, but still.

Walking back to the girls, coffees in hand, I noticed a look cross Justine’s face that was unreadable. Usually my friend was an open book and you could tell what she was thinking, but right now, I had no clue what was going on in her mind.

“So what the heck was that all about?” she asked, her tone indicating she was holding back how mad she really was.

“What are you talking about?”

“All that business with Chase.”

I looked to Lexi who just shrugged at me.

“What business with Chase?” I didn’t want to volunteer anything she didn’t already know. Or thought she knew. I wouldn’t admit to something unless she could back up what she was saying.

“The flirting, the kissing…” she trailed off angrily as she took her coffee from me.

“Kissing?” I gave Lexi her mug of coffee and settled down on my side of the bed.

“Don’t deny it, Alyssa Young. I saw it with my own two eyes!”

I didn’t know what to say so I took a large gulp of my coffee, scalding my tongue in the process.

“Don’t ignore me, Alyssa.” Justine huffed as she looked directly into my eyes.

“It was one silly kiss. I’d had too much to drink.”

If she was like this over a kiss, imagine what she’d be like if she found out we’d slept together.

“Don’t lie to me, Lys. You two were flirting outrageously this entire night. At the bowling alley, it seemed harmless enough but then at the club…I can’t believe you, Lys. What are you doing?”

I really didn’t want to air my dirty laundry in front of Lexi, but it didn’t seem like my best friend was going to let up. What is it they say about telling a lie? Keep an element of truth to it. Seems stupid, but if you are caught doing something and can’t talk your way out of it, then telling something close to the truth seems like the best option. I couldn’t be honest with her, not in front of Lexi, and not if she was going to go ballistic over a little kiss. A kiss I hadn’t realised she had seen.

“I was tipsy. Chase initiated the kiss and I didn’t stop him. It was nice to be kissed after so long. But I put a stop to it, Justine, I told him we couldn’t do that again.”

“Nice to be kissed after so long? Your husband died, Lys. My brother, Ethan, you remember him? You were his wife and he committed fucking suicide. You can’t have forgotten that!”

“What the fuck, Justine? That’s not fair. Ethan was the love of my life. He was my best friend. No, I haven’t forgotten him, for Christ’s sake! But he died two years ago and I’ve spent that time grieving the loss of a piece of my heart. But I’m trying to get on with my life as he would’ve wanted me to.”

“Would’ve wanted you to? Are you fucking serious? He would’ve wanted you to move on but not to be the kind of girl who sticks her tongue down a random guy’s throat in the middle of a club.”

It wasn’t like Justine to swear, she only swore when she was really mad—a sure sign that tonight she was fuming. She paced from the side of my bed to the window and I went to my bedside drawer to take out a cigarette. I walked to the window, opened it and lit my cigarette.

Lexi looked uncomfortable as she watched Justine pace and me smoke, something she hadn’t seen me do before.

“He’s not a random guy, we work together.”

“Oh and that makes it better somehow?”

“I’m just saying. I don’t go around kissing just any guy, you know.”

“Okay, he’s not random, you work with him. So has there been more than this once?”

I didn’t know how to respond. I couldn’t tell her the truth, she would flip her lid.

“No, this was the first time, I swear.”

“This isn’t right, Lys.”

Her temper seemed to be dissipating. I was thankful for that. Justine is the kind of person who has a long fuse and when she blows, you better be careful. But then she also cools down quickly enough that we can actually talk sense. Wherever her brother is concerned, she’s like a lioness protecting her cub. He was her twin and they had had a bond like no other.

“I’m sorry, Justine. Please, can we forget about this?” I asked as I stubbed out my cigarette and finished my now cold coffee.

“I don’t get it, Lys. I just…You’re right, let’s just forget about it for now. We’ve had too much to drink to talk seriously.”

That wasn’t what I was hoping she’d say. I wanted her to let it go completely, not just until she was more sober.

“Let’s just get some sleep girls,” Lexi interjected.

“She’s right,” I said, hoping that I could just get her to forget about it once we were sober in the morning.

I closed the window and found my pajamas. I went into the bathroom to get changed. I wasn’t embarrassed to get undressed in front of the girls but I needed a moment of peace. I sat on the lid of the toilet and put my head in my hands. Inhaling and exhaling slowly, I realised that Justine was right and what had been happening between Chase and me had to stop.

Walking into the bedroom, I saw the girls were changed and Lexi had my spare blanket over her on the couch. Justine was on one side of my bed, turned to face the wall.

I got into bed and lay awake for ages, trying to clear my mind enough for sleep to come but it was too busy running over what I would say to Chase and how I would feel once we had spoken, how he would feel. Okay, we weren’t an item, but it had been the start of something.

Chapter Nineteen

Upon waking up, I discovered an empty space in the bed next to me and a note on the pillow.

Lys,

Sorry about leaving before you got up. I need time to think. I’m sorry we argued last night, but I stand by what I said, that’s why I’ve gone home. I hope you can forgive me and that Gage, the boys, and myself can come and see you sometime when you’ve found somewhere to live. Good luck finding somewhere. See you soon. Love you.

Justine xx

Just like that, my morning turned to shit before it had even begun.

“Good morning,” Lexi said as she came out of the kitchen with a mug in each hand.

“Morning, Lexi, how did you sleep?” I tried to smile but my mood was sour.

“Not too bad. Hey, I was thinking, if you don’t have plans, we could go house-hunting.” She smiled at me and I wondered how she could be so chirpy the morning after a night out.

“Well, Clark and I are supposed to be going at some point but if you don’t mind it being the three of us, I could give him a call and we could go.”

“That sounds like a plan. I love looking at houses. I found some gorgeous places when I first moved to the area.”

“Oh, I thought you were from around here originally?” It was both a statement and a question.

“No, I’m from a place called Ridgewood. Nice place but no publishing houses to work at. I started applying for jobs further afield and this is where I ended up.”

I took a sip from the steaming mug she handed me.

“Do you have family in these parts or was it just where the best job was?”

“It was the best publisher that offered me a job, so I settled here. My family are all back in Ridgewood,” she replied as she drank her own coffee.

“Do you get home to visit much?” I was being nosy, but I wanted to think about something other than my best friend leaving.

“I see them as often as I can. They didn’t want me to move so far away, but they eventually came round to the idea, knowing how happy I am here.”

“That’s good. I’ll just give Clark a call and we can go look at some of these gorgeous houses.”

I fished around my bag for my phone, having forgotten to put it on to charge last night.

Clark agreed to meet us at my place half an hour later so I went to freshen up and brush my teeth.

“Justine left early,” Lexi said as I walked back into the bedroom, “Was it anything to do with last night?”

“Yeah. She was mad at me, left me a note on my pillow,” I replied glumly.

“That’s a shame, but I’m sure she’ll come round. I don’t want to pry into what she said, but if you want to talk, I’m a really good listener. I know I seem like a spoiled little rich bitch, but just because I come from a wealthy family doesn’t mean anything.”

“Thanks, Lexi,” I said and truly meant it. In the coming days, I might need someone to talk to and I didn’t think I could talk to Justine. There were some things to be said that she wouldn’t want to hear.

Lexi went to freshen up while I made a couple of calls to the owners of the houses I wanted to see.

Looking every inch the supermodel, Lexi stepped back into the bedroom. It wasn’t hard to imagine why she always looked so good. Perfect hair, skin, teeth. She really was one of the prettiest women I knew.

Someone knocked on the door and Lexi went to open it.

“Oh hey, Clark, come on in.” She stepped aside.

“Good morning, ladies.” Clark smiled at us both as he stepped inside.

“Are you ready to go house-hunting?” Lexi asked as she reached for her purse on the couch.

“With two gorgeous ladies, how can I resist?”

I grabbed my bag and walked to the door.

“Who’s driving?” Lexi asked.

“I’ll drive if you like,” Clark said as the three of us stepped out of my bedsit into the warm rays of the morning sun.

Clark unlocked his car and we all piled in. The first stop of the day was a gorgeous Georgian house I had seen on the internet. I was looking forward to taking a closer look. Clark turned the radio up as “Sexx Laws” by Beck came on. I found myself singing along and it wasn’t long before Clark and Lexi joined in.

Pulling up at the first house a few minutes later, I heard Clark whistle as he looked up at the place.

“Gorgeous, isn’t it?”

“It sure is!”

We all got out of the car and walked towards the front door, stopping to admire the front garden on the way. There was a beautiful herbaceous border that you would usually find with a Victorian era property, but it seemed to go well with this place due to its stunning colours. At the front door there was what appeared to be a climbing rose on the right-hand side, blooms of red appeared at intervals and looked remarkable.

“Which of you beautiful young ladies is Alyssa?” came a voice from the front door. I looked up at the mention of my name and saw an older lady looking out at us.

“That would be me,” I answered.

The lady stepped out into the sunshine and I saw she was just as finely kept as this property. She looked around fifty and was dressed impeccably.

“I’m Josie.” She extended her hand toward me and I took her hand in mine.

“Good morning, Josie. These are my friends, Clark and Lexi.”

“Pleased to meet you all,” she said as she shook hands with them both.

Josie turned to head back into the house and we followed behind. I looked around the foyer and was impressed by what I saw. The decorating was in keeping with the style of the house and the wallpaper had the foyer feeling bright and spacious. We were led into the first room on the right which turned out to be the den. It was a pale green colour and had a large window that let in a lot of light. There was a desk and chair set in front of a bookcase. The wood of the desk and bookcase looked like cedar and I was very impressed with how the whole room was put together.

“This is my late husband’s den, Alyssa. It was his favourite room in the whole house.”

I gulped. She’d lost a husband too. This had been his den. I had to wonder if Ethan had still been alive, would he have loved this house, this room. I moved towards the bookcase, feeling as though I had no control over my own body, as if I was on autopilot.

“It’s quite remarkable,” I replied as I looked at the rows of books and traced my hand lightly down the spine of an old looking book.

“He loved spending hours in here reading and writing.” Josie smiled a little sadly.

“He wrote? Did he ever publish anything I might have heard of?”

“Sadly he never got round to publishing his work. He never thought he was good enough.”

“That’s a shame.”

I looked around the room and marvelled at how the sunlight lit up the room. It really was beautiful and I could see this becoming my office if I bought the house.

We took a tour of the rest of the house. Every room was beautiful. There was plenty of natural light and the decorating was all in keeping with the style of the house. There was a large dining room, sitting room, and kitchen, with a comfortable sized nook that I could see as a room for just reading and relaxing. There was also a room that Josie called the “Great Room” that I thought would be perfect for entertaining guests. Outside, there was a deck that was surrounded by flowers, much like those in the front garden.

Lexi, Clark, and I marvelled at the size of the back garden as Josie invited us to stay and drink tea on the deck.

“This place is perfect,” Clark said as Josie left us to go and make a pot of tea.

“It sure is beautiful,” Lexi agreed.

“I could certainly imagine myself living here,” I smiled, “but let’s not get ahead of ourselves. I have another two houses to see today and I don’t want to just buy the first place I see.”

“I think you’ll end up making an offer. You’d be barking mad not to,” Clark said as he looked out over the back garden.

The garden was beautiful, with its multitude of colourful flowers, a sundial, and a bird-bath. There were also fruit trees overhanging the edge of the fence, ripe with delicious looking apples and pears.

“How do you like your tea?” Josie asked as she laid the tray on the small table on the deck.

“Milk and one sugar, please,” I replied as my gaze continued to roam the expanse of space outdoors.

We drank our tea and made small talk with Josie. She seemed a lovely lady and she told us about her husband, Ben. It turned out she was the one with the green thumb and it was her idea to plant all the beautiful flowers. She said the fruit trees were her next door neighbour’s but they had always told her she was welcome to the fruit that overhung on her side. After picking some fruit for us to take away with us, Josie showed us to the door and I thanked her for the tour and told her I would be in touch soon.

We drove to the next house and even from the road, I could tell it was remarkably different to Josie’s house. It was a large white house and the garden wasn’t anywhere near as beautiful and well-kept as Josie’s. We walked up the path and knocked on the large black front door. The door opened and a young woman greeted us.

“You must be Alyssa,” she said to me.

“Angie?” Lexi asked, sounding surprised.

“Oh my goodness, Lexi, hi!” Angie exclaimed as she looked over at Lexi, her smile widening.

“You two know each other?” I asked, looking at Lexi.

“We went to school together, haven’t seen each other in what…it must be at least three years,” she replied as she made her way past Clark to hug Angie.

“Far too long if you ask me,” Angie agreed, hugging her friend. “Come on in.”

We all moved inside and Angie led us into her sitting room. I looked around and noticed what a different feel the house had. It didn’t have the same kind of character and was decorated in complete contrast to what I had seen at Josie’s place. Not to say it wasn’t nice in its own way, it was just not what I had expected.

We took a seat on the couch as Angie walked over to her daughter in the play pen that was in the corner of the room.

“We haven’t seen each other since Rylee was born,” Angie said as she picked her daughter up.

“Oh gosh yes!”

Angie put Rylee down and she toddled over to Lexi with her baby doll in hand.

“Hello, Rylee.” Lexi smiled down at the pretty little blonde-haired girl.

“Hello.” She smiled up at Lexi and held out her baby doll.

Lexi took the doll and started playing with Rylee as Angie asked me if I wanted to take a tour of the house. Lexi was perfectly content to sit and play with the child, something I hadn’t imagined her doing before. Clark came along for the tour and we remarked on how nice a place it was. It was obviously more homely and lived in than Josie’s, partly due to the fact that Angie and her husband Mark were a younger generation and had a child living in the house.

I took in details of the layout and décor, also the back garden that was a reasonable size, yet not as well tended as the garden that kept popping up in my mind. Clark had been right and I thought that I would probably make Josie an offer. Not that this place wasn’t nice, it just wasn’t suited to me.

As we said goodbye to Angie, I told her I’d be in touch soon, but I knew in my mind that it wouldn’t be to make an offer.

We drove to the third property and I saw that it had almost as much charm as Josie’s. It wasn’t Georgian, but it had character. After viewing, I told the owner I would call soon, but though it had been a beautiful place, I had to admit Clark was right. I was already thinking of what I would do with regards to buying furniture and how nice it would be to sunbathe on the deck, knowing that the neighbouring properties didn’t overlook that particular part.

***

Lexi, Clark, and I went for lunch at The Mermaid and talked over my options. I had the money to make an offer on Josie’s house, I could give her the full asking price, and still have some money left over for furniture. They both agreed it was worth every penny she was asking. So with my mind made up, I phoned Josie.

After my phone call, I went back to the shithole I was used to living in. I had to admit, I wouldn’t miss a single thing. I hoped the sale would go off without a hitch and I could move into my new home soon.

Lexi had gone home and Clark was making a coffee in my shoebox of a kitchen; meanwhile, I was sat on my not-so-comfortable sofa with a catalogue I had picked up to try and select some furniture. Josie had offered to sell me all the furniture that came with the house as she was downsizing, but I still needed things like a new mattress, kettle, microwave, and the all-important coffee machine. There were things I didn’t mind having second-hand, but I won’t sleep on anyone else’s mattress and Josie didn’t own a coffee machine. She said a few of the appliances had seen better days and that I would be better off buying them new, but I could do that at my own leisure when I was settled. The one modern convenience she had that I was grateful for was the dishwasher. I hate washing up. I mean, who really likes washing dishes? The other chore I hated was cleaning the toilet but until the day they invent a self-cleaning toilet, I’m stuck with it.

Clark handed me a coffee, bringing me out of my own thoughts.

“I can’t wait until you get the keys, Lys. Will you have a house-warming party?”

“I don’t know, I might,” I said as I took a gulp of my coffee.

“It would be good, so long as no-one gets sick the way Lexi did at Chase’s party.”

“Yeah, maybe, I don’t know.” I shrugged nonchalantly. I wasn’t too bothered about the idea of a party. I was more interested in just moving out of the shoebox that was my current residence.

We spent the rest of the last day of the weekend talking about the new house, my job, and Clark’s budding romance with Jenny. It turned out he had asked her on a few dates and now they were in the early stages of their relationship. I thought it was wonderful and told Clark I was more than happy for them. It was nice that I had been able to set him up with Jenny. She was a sweet girl, a copy-editor over at Emerging Butterfly, and I had the feeling she was going to be good for Clark, that they would be good for each other. If I was being honest, I couldn’t help but feel a slight twinge of jealousy. I didn’t resent Clark for finding the possibility of love; as his friend, I encouraged it. But I had to admit I was lost without Ethan and just when I thought maybe I had found someone I could move on with, Justine had shown me I was wrong.

I would be lying if I said I hadn’t thought about Chase since Justine and I had argued, but I hadn’t contacted him. I had received a couple of “Hi how are you?” texts, but those had gone ignored. I knew I couldn’t avoid him permanently, I had to work with him after all. I guess this is what happens on the flip side of an office romance—not that this had been a romance, though it had shown some promise—you have to be polite at work no matter how you feel on the inside. That was a question I was avoiding too, how did I feel inside? I couldn’t deny my attraction to Chase and it wasn’t purely physical. As a widow though, how long was I meant to grieve? Was there a period of time that was considered ‘appropriate’? I’m young and have my whole life ahead of me. Do I really have to be single for the rest of my days? Or will I ever truly be ready to love again?

Chapter Twenty

Chase

It’s been a couple of weeks since I last spoke to Alyssa. I tried texting her, but I haven’t heard back. I’ve seen her around work, but not to talk to. I guess she could just be busy but I’m betting there’s more to it than that. Maybe she regrets our night together. We haven’t spoken about it since it happened. The last time we spoke was the night we went bowling and I had kissed her at the club.

I can still smell her on my skin, I can still recall the way she tastes and the way her body moves. Images of her tantalising body haunt me every night in my dreams, or in the moments when I close my eyes and bring to mind the way it feels to touch her, to be touched by her. What is it about Alyssa Young that has me so caught up that I can’t even look at another woman? Why do I feel incomplete? No other woman has ever made me feel so…alive. She waltzed into my life, so beautiful, so captivating, and now that’s gone. She doesn’t talk to me at work anymore, she doesn’t text me, and there’s been no lunches at The Mermaid. What am I doing thinking about her so much when she clearly isn’t interested?

I got an e-invite to a house-warming party, but I noticed it was just a mass email to people at work. I don’t know whether it’s better to go and see the woman I want but can’t have, or to stay home and wallow in self-pity.

What the fuck am I doing? I’m a man and I’m sitting here thinking things through the way a woman might. For the love of God, I need to grow a pair and just get on with life. You have to play the hand you’re dealt, right? So I’m going to play it. I’m going to that party and I am going to make her talk to me. It’s her party and she has to mingle with the guests, right? So I’m going and she can damn well answer a couple of questions. If she tells me to stay away after that, then I will, but damn it, Alyssa will talk to me and she’ll give me some semblance of closure so I can get on with my life. If I didn’t know better, I’d think I was falling in love with her. The influence she has on me, even when she’s not here, the way I imagine what it would be like if we were a couple…It’s driving me crazy. Hell, if this is what she does to me from a distance, I can’t begin to imagine what it would be like if we were a part of something bigger, together.

Her party is tonight. Time to shower and get ready. I’m going to show her just what it is she’s missing.

Chapter

Twenty-One

Alyssa

The sale of the house had gone through quite quickly and I had been able to move my meagre belongings in. I had bought some new things and had re-arranged the furniture a little to make it more like my house, but I wanted to redecorate. It wasn’t that there was anything wrong with the décor, it was just that I felt like an imposter living in someone else’s home.

Clark had been great helping me move in and Lexi had an eye for interior design, go figure. I thought she was just a daddy’s little girl who lived on his dime, a bit of an airhead. But actually, we had gotten to know each other more lately and she was more than just a pretty face. She helped give the place a lick of paint before I had my house warming party. Everything had happened faster than I thought it would but now I was a proud homeowner and what a home indeed. It’s certainly one of the nicest places I’ve seen in the area. Lexi’s home was beautiful as far as I could recall from that night I took her home. It was tastefully decorated and you could definitely tell it belonged to Lexi. It had her personality. Chase’s home is the most beautiful place I’ve seen, though. The amazing library with its wrought iron staircase and upper level, the great adaptations that Chase’s cousin Parker had made were what really set the house apart from those around it. Chase…I had thought about him over the last couple of weeks, but I banished the thoughts the moment they entered my head. Okay, maybe not the exact moment, maybe I had let them linger for a few seconds. I could recall the way his lips tasted, the way his tongue felt as it had dipped into me. I could feel his hands roaming my body, the soft caress of his skin against mine. Even more potent was the memory of the way he felt inside me. My warm wet walls wrapping themselves around the length of him…Damn it, why couldn’t I just forget? I willed myself to forget, but memories of our night together played in my mind when I was awake, when I was asleep. Thoughts popped unbidden into my mind as I was reading in my office at work. When the words on the page got a little steamy, I could visualise Chase and I doing what the author was describing. I had sent him an invite to my party, but I didn’t know if he’d come, considering I hadn’t spoken to him via text or at work. When I saw him, I walked the opposite way.

The night of the party arrived and I was feeling happy. The wine was chilling in the fridge, along with beer for the boys. There was party food thanks to mine and Lexi’s hard work in the kitchen that morning. I had tasteful decorations around the rooms on the ground floor. The upstairs was out of bounds, but guests could make themselves comfortable in one of many rooms downstairs. Clark had brought his MacBook and some speakers and stuff for music. He was sure that he could find music to please everyone, so I had left him to it.

I was drying myself from the shower when an image assaulted my mind—Chase situated between my legs, kissing his way down to my panties. I could feel the heat of his breath on me, the touch of his lips against my thigh—I shut the thought down a moment too late, as I moaned at the provocative image I had conjured up.

Wrapping myself in my robe, I sat at my dresser and made a start on my makeup for the night—I had chosen a sleek dark purple dress that fell to the knees and had just one shoulder strap which was covered in delicate flowers—so for my makeup, I was going for the smoky-eyed look.

Chapter

Twenty-Two

Chase

I’m ready to go and looking good, even if I do say so myself. The cab is on its way and I’m looking forward to seeing Alyssa. Anticipation is making my palms sweat a little, but I’m trying to calm my nerves with a JD and Coke. I don’t even know exactly why I’m nervous. All I know is I want to see her, to show her what she’s missing. But I know that I too will see what I’m missing.

The cab arrives and I down the last of my drink. I make my way to the kerb and get into the cab.

As we pull up in front of the address that was on the invite, I look up at the house. Alyssa sure has good taste. It looks like a Georgian period property and definitely has kerb appeal. I pay the driver and walk up to the front door. I stand a few moments to collect my scattered thoughts before knocking on the door. Moments later, the door opens and the sight before me scatters my thoughts once again. Alyssa is standing in front of me looking absolutely ravishing. I feel a twitch in my pants and try to swallow past the sudden dryness of my throat. She’s dressed in a knee-length purple dress that drapes over one shoulder. She looks every inch the Grecian goddess. I look up to meet her eyes and am transfixed by the pools that are swimming before me.

“Come in, Chase.” Alyssa is the first to break the silence.

I walk past her into the hallway. The house looks every inch as beautiful on the inside from what I can see. There’s soft music floating down the hallway from some distant room. The ambience is perfect, but what’s more perfect is this devastatingly beautiful woman that comes to stand in front of me and lead me into one of the rooms. Part of me hopes it’s a bedroom, but the realistic part of me knows it isn’t.

“This place is lovely, Alyssa,” at last, I am able to form words.

“Thank you.” She smiles at me briefly before turning her head back the way we’re going.

As we enter one of the rooms on the right, I see what’s been transformed into the main ‘party room’ for the night. It’s tastefully decorated for tonight, but I can see beyond that to what the room must look like normally. It’s in keeping with the rest of what I have seen of the house. I really want to ask her for a grand tour, but I hold my tongue. I look over and see Clark with his MacBook and some other stuff set up. I should have known he would be in charge of the music. Music is one of his passions. I smile and nod my head at Clark as he looks up from his computer. He smiles, nods, and goes back to it. I’m glad Alyssa has friends like him in her life, he’s a good guy. I just hope he isn’t the reason she has been ignoring me. A touch of jealousy rises in me at the thought of her being with him; I squash the feelings down and smile as Alyssa hands me a bottle of beer.

“Thanks,” I manage to get out around the lump in my throat.

“As you can see, not many people are here yet, but make yourself comfortable.” Alyssa smiles at me and I can see some kind of inner struggle taking place in her eyes. Does she not want me here? She invited me but was that to be polite?

I look around us at the seating area pushed toward the walls so that there’s a little space to dance. I want to ask her to dance, but know it’s too soon. I’ll see how she is later and see if I can manage to persuade her. She wouldn’t say no in front of her guests, surely? At this point, I really can’t answer that. The doorbell goes, saving her from having to stand with me for much longer. If I’m honest, I’m kind of relieved because I don’t know what to say. Normally, conversation comes easy between us, but her lack of communication recently leads me to believe that whatever it was we had, or could have had, has run its course and even conversation is difficult.

Moments later, she returns with Jenny and Lexi from work in tow. The three are giggling like schoolgirls and it makes me happy to see the sparkle in Alyssa’s eyes, even if it isn’t caused by me. She pours the girls glasses of wine and stands talking to them until the doorbell goes again. I know she invited a few people from work, she doesn’t really know anyone else in the area. I don’t know who to expect as I haven’t made it known that I was coming.

Over the next half an hour or so, plenty of guests arrive and Alyssa stops to chat with them all as she leads them into the party room. I hope she hasn’t made a mistake in asking so many people. I wouldn’t want them to ruin her new home before she’s really lived in it. I know what the boys from work can be like when they have a few beers. Us guys know our drinking limits and yet exceed them at parties because that’s to be expected—or so I’m aware. I’m not one of ‘those guys’.

I’m bored sitting here alone, so I wander over to Clark to see what’s on the playlist for tonight.

“Hey man!” Clark says as he welcomes me with a one armed bro-hug.

“Hey! I was beginning to wonder what tunes you would be subjecting us to tonight?”

“Oh, just the usual, you know. There’ll be some oldies but goodies from Depeche Mode and New Order. There’ll be a bit of Beck, I happen to know Lys likes “Sexx Laws”. Possibly some Muse, Killers, Editors. Then you got to throw some stuff in for the girls, Ed Sheeran, maybe a bit of ‘cock rock’ like Bon Jovi. Don’t get me wrong, man, I actually like Bon Jovi, but the guys here…Nah, not so sure they’re fans.”

To prove a point, he chose a Bon Jovi song next and some of the guys booed. But tonight Chase was the DJ and he could play what he wanted.

I wanted to ask him to play a song for me to ask Alyssa to dance to, but if they were an item now, he wouldn’t like that. I hate to think that Clark might be the reason I haven’t heard from her, but Clark is my friend, so I’ll just have to suck it up and be happy for him. I’m used to pretending things don’t bother me. I smile as “Happy” begins to play and can’t help but want to dance, so I walk towards the space cleared for dancing and begin to move to the beat. I catch Alyssa’s eye and she smiles so wide that it touches her eyes and I lose myself in them, moving to the music as if I’m dancing for her. “Lose Yourself To Dance” is the next track to play and I do exactly that, closing my eyes, immersing myself in the moment. Behind closed eyelids, I picture Alyssa here dancing with me, losing herself to the beat and giving in to the moment as her body grinds against mine.

“I didn’t know you could move like that,” her words are a warm caress across my skin. Inside, I melt a little, but keep myself composed on the outside.

“Care to join me for a dance?” I ask, my eyes still closed.

“Sure.” She smiles, I can hear it in her voice.

As “All About That Bass” comes on, Alyssa begins to dance in front of me. I can no longer keep my eyes shut, I have to see her as she moves her hips in time to the beat. I might not be keen on the song, but I can’t get enough of the woman in front of me.

“Sing!” she shouts over at Clark and his head dips as he obliges her and plays the request. Her hot little body is moving and shaking and I roam my eyes from her head to her feet. The outfit she’s wearing tonight looks like it was made just to tempt me, to taunt me with what I mustn’t touch. But touch I must, as I reach a hand out and put it against her hip. She doesn’t bat me away so I tempt fate by doing the same with my other hand. I can feel her sensuous hips under my palms and I feel a slight twitch down below. The devil in me risks taking a step closer to that pert little ass of hers and I know I’m taking a risk by letting her feel how hard I am becoming, but something drives me towards her.

Chapter

Twenty-Three

Alyssa

Chase’s hands burned through my dress and made my skin break out in goose bumps. He took a step closer to my back, the flimsy material of my dress made it easy to feel how aroused he was. I couldn’t lie, it felt good to be wanted. Part of me said Justine had been right and that I shouldn’t be seeing someone so soon, the other part of me however, that was another matter. My pulse was racing, and while that could have been from the dancing, it was more likely caused by the sexy Brazilian god that was holding onto my swaying hips. My core temperature sky-rocketed and the butterflies that were swirling in my tummy were a sure sign that Chase’s closeness was affecting me. What to do about it was the question.

I looked around the room and noticed that people were consumed with conversation or dancing, nobody seemed to be watching the two of us as we danced and I playfully sashayed under Chase’s touch, bringing him closer to me. As I made contact with his body, my heart skipped a beat, with only four pieces of material—my flimsy dress and panties, his pants and boxers—between us, I was panting with raw lust. I couldn’t deny the chemistry we had, any hotter and someone would have to douse us with water. With nothing but desire spurring me on, I looked round at Chase and crooked a finger in a ‘come here’ gesture. His eyes lit up as I reached a hand behind me and brushed lightly against his arousal before taking his hand in mine and pulling him in the direction of the staircase.

We ascended the staircase in record time so that no-one noticed us slipping away from the party. I took one last look behind us to make sure, then I turned in the direction of my bedroom. I took a moment to mentally question whether my room was tidy, then led Chase through the door and quietly closed it behind us.

Looking at Chase, I saw that beautiful smile I had missed these last few weeks, his sexy dimple appearing like magic. Feeling a smile play on my own lips, I reached out a hand to Chase’s chest—the way he was dressed tonight made him look sexier than I had ever seen him—I could feel his heartbeat beneath my palm, it was just as fast as mine. His eyes shone with lust and need, reflecting my own feelings back at me. The truth of the matter was, now we were in my room, I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to take this man to my bed, but would a quickie satiate the thirst? Should I even be doing this? There was no question about wanting to. Hell, I more than wanted to, I needed to. But would Chase think this would lead to more? Was I going to be able to give more? I thought I had decided Justine was right and that I should steer clear, but whenever I saw Chase, it was like a sensory overload of emotions, I was getting mixed up between what my head and heart wanted.

Without overthinking the moment, I began to undo the buttons on the navy button down shirt underneath my hand. The sight of Chase’s ripped torso made my breathing hitch as I pushed the shirt down his shoulders. I savoured the sight of him as my hands reached to undo his belt. His chest rose and fell, a simple move that made my heart thud in my chest. I licked my lips as I saw him looking at them. I guessed he was remembering only too well what happened last time we were in a similar scenario—I can’t lie, I still thought about it all the time—but this was no time for thinking, only action. My hands fumbled slightly as I unzipped the fly of his pants and pushed them down to his knees. Chase leaned over and captured my lips with his, I could only wonder why he hadn’t before that moment, possibly because he was as scared as I was of what was unfolding. I fell softly into his waiting arms as they wrapped around me and lifted me up. I kissed him with everything I had been holding back since I last saw him as he lifted me higher off the ground to carry me to my bed.

As the backs of my knees brushed the edge of my bed, I lowered myself from his hold. I reached for the hem of my dress and lifted it over my head. As I threw the garment to one side, I noticed his eyes light up as he saw I stood before him wearing nothing but a lacy pair of panties. I gave him a wicked smile as I sat down and pushed his pants to the floor. It was his turn to stand before me wearing just his boxers and a sexy smile. I allowed my eyes to roam slowly from his head to his feet. Liking what I saw, I reached my hand out to touch his chest once more—this time, with no shirt covering it—I felt the muscles in his abdomen move beneath my caress and I shivered in anticipation. Chase lowered himself to the bed beside me and captured my face in his palm. His lips claimed mine and his tongue sought entrance into my mouth. I heard a soft groan as I granted him access. With a hand in my hair, he pulled gently, exposing my neck to allow him to trail kisses from my jawline to my shoulder. My breathing hitched as his warm mouth reached the mound of my breast, my pulse raced as his head dipped lower and he captured my taut nipple in his mouth. With one arm around me, he lowered me carefully to the bed and manoeuvred himself so he was braced above me. It wasn’t long before I was feeling damp between my legs from the way his tongue and teeth deftly teased my nipples.

I felt a hand between my legs and I groaned as he softly rubbed my clit. I was losing myself to sensation as he lowered himself from the bed to position himself between my legs so he had better access. Warm lips kissed their way down my thigh before I felt his tongue dart inside. A trail of kisses was placed on my other thigh before his mouth came back to claim the warmth and wetness that awaited him. His lips felt like the purest form of ecstasy, I panted and moaned quietly as his nimble tongue played me like a melody. His hand soon joined his tongue and it wasn’t long until I felt the familiar warmth pool in my abdomen. I closed my eyes involuntarily as I came in a heady wave that had a dizzying effect.

All too soon, the warmth of Chase’s body between my thighs was replaced with the chill of the air in my bedroom. I soon remedied that as I got up from the bed—albeit a little shakily—and changed places with him. He had no choice but to lie back as I knelt down. I felt his eyes on me, so I looked up through hooded eyes and beamed a smile his way. I licked my slightly parched lips before gliding my tongue over the tip of his throbbing cock and taking the tip slowly into my mouth. I felt the moan reverberate through his chest as I put my hand around the base of him and took him in further still. I felt a hand in my hair as he cradled my head against his palm. He didn’t make any move to push himself in deeper as another man might have, instead he was content for me to be in charge.

I picked up the pace with my mouth and worked him a little with my hand, eliciting moans and calls of my name on ragged breath. I knew he was close to coming and I didn’t know if we had time for sex if I let him pass the point of no return and waited for him to be ready again—in a split second I made my choice to make him come in my mouth. It was my party and I could be late if I wanted to. Moments later, the decision was irreversible as Chase came in my mouth. I heard a low growl in the back of his throat as I looked up to find he had been watching my every move. I blushed a little, thankful for the dark in my room hiding the redness no doubt evident on my cheeks.

As I stood up, I felt a hand grasp both my ass cheeks as Chase pulled me onto the bed on top of him. I leaned down and kissed him, tasting a mixture of my juices with his—a low moan emanated from my own throat at how turned on I was—the combined taste was erotic and had me yearning for more as my tongue sought entrance to his mouth. His tongue danced with mine in a passionate kiss that was quickly reaching fever pitch. Chase’s hand found its way to my clit, teasing me to such a degree that I was going to be coming again, so I quickly batted his hand away and reached between us to stroke his already stiffening cock. Soon he stood completely to attention so I reached over into my bedroom drawer. I hadn’t thought I’d need these, but it had been a wise choice to pick up a box when I was shopping. I tore open the foil packet and slid the contents down the length of Chase’s shaft before lowering myself down onto him too, slowly, inch by inch until I could go no further. Moving slowly at first, I began to find my rhythm as Chase’s hands found their way to my hips and mine rested on his abs for support. Soon I felt a gentle caress to my breast and looked down to watch Chase skilfully tease my nipple taut—he smiled up at me as he moved his head up to gently nip it between his teeth—then he changed breasts, making sure both nipples were erect. My breath now coming in short pants, I could feel a tightening below, indicating the moment was nearly upon us.

“Chase,” I gasped, the only word I had said the entire time.

“Mmm,” he murmured.

“Are you ready?” I whispered.

“As I’ll ever be, baby,” was his response.

My rhythm increased and so did the pressure of Chase’s fingers on my hips. He was almost ready too and it wasn’t long before we were both moaning so loudly that it was a good job the music downstairs was on to drown it out.

“Fuck me, Alyssa, come for me, baby,” his husky voice barely audible.

That was all I needed to hear before I ground harder and faster against him. Feeling his cock throbbing inside me, I smiled, as I knew it was all my doing. Hands grabbed my ass and I moaned even more as he thrust into me. I wanted this to last as long as it conceivably could, but time was running short for us both. I could feel how wet I was around him and my walls clenched involuntarily, causing him to gasp. I clenched again, and again he gasped. I bent down to capture his lips in mine as I clenched for a third time, his moan being caught by my mouth. I opened my eyes momentarily and saw that he was watching me intently. My flesh broke out in goose bumps, the thought of him watching turning me on. I let go of his mouth and looked down in time to see him rub my clit with his thumb.

“Make me come, Chase, I’m yours for the taking,” I whispered next to his ear.

I didn’t regret those words as Chase rolled us over so that he was between my legs. He hooked my knees over his shoulders and thrust himself into me long and deep. He stilled momentarily, a wicked smile ghosting across his lips. He repeated his movements again, and again, stilling a little longer each time. I reached a hand around my leg and smacked his ass. His laughter echoed in the relative quiet of my room, the music seeming like a distant buzz. All that existed was here and now. Chase quickened his pace and soon we were both balancing on the edge of the abyss. All that was left was to fall. And we did.

Chapter

Twenty-Four

Chase

After the mind-blowing sex with Alyssa, I can barely concentrate on a word anyone says to me. I keep thinking back to how good she tastes. I’m not saying she tastes like peaches and cream, but she’s delicious in a completely different way. She’s smoking hot, just as beautiful inside as out and damn does she feel good when she’s squeezing her inner walls around my cock. I’m getting hard just thinking about what we just did. I need to think about something, anything to take my mind off it because the last thing I what is for other party-goers to notice the bulge that’s starting against my pants.

I look across the room and spot Alyssa talking to Clark. After the events of this evening, I could no longer feel jealous that she was with him. But I can honestly say I’m confused. I’ve been getting mixed signals from this woman. First, we have mind-blowing sex the night of the party to celebrate my promotion, then there was the hot and steamy kiss in the elevator at work, followed by the kiss when we went bowling—all of which were amazing—then she ignores me for weeks, not even sending me a text. So for tonight to unfold the way it has surprised me, to say the least. I don’t know where I stand and while that might not bother me so much from anyone else, this has a completely different effect on me.

To tell the truth, I think about Alyssa night and day. When I wake in the morning, I think about seeing her beautiful smile at work that day and when I go to bed, I think about the way she looked in what she wore that day or the way her perfume lingered in the air. She also consumes my thoughts during the day when I’m supposed to be working—I think about what it’s like to hold her, kiss her, and taste her.

Love is a complicated feeling. Some say it’s down to science, they say it’s about dopamine and neurochemistry. But to me, love is a feeling that cannot be explained so easily. It’s about how you feel when you are with the person, what it’s like when you’re apart. It’s when they consume your thoughts, when no-one makes you happy the way they do. It’s when they complete you like the missing piece of a puzzle, the connection you experience with them. You need to make each other laugh, be there for each other through the good times and the bad. Love is when you can be true to each other and true to yourself—love brings out the best in you, makes you feel like you’ve never felt before—you know you’ll always be there to catch them if they fall but also to encourage them when they are learning to fly, you help them spread their wings, knowing they’ll do the same for you. That being said, is it possible that I’m falling in love with Alyssa? I feel myself wanting it all with her. I look at her and she’s all I can see. But how do I tell her? What if she rejects me? It seems a bit girly to be thinking this way, maybe. Men aren’t known for being in touch with their emotions. However, I’m not your typical man.

Nothing has ever had me so consumed and I need to figure out how I feel. That’s the easy part in comparison though. The hardest part will be telling her and facing her reaction. It would help if I had an inkling she felt the same.

Chapter

Twenty-Five

Alyssa

My house warming party went great. Everyone said what a great time they had and no-one mentioned the period of time their host was missing. What was I thinking taking Chase to bed? My emotions have been such a jumble for the past two years since Ethan’s death, I thought that moving away would straighten things out in my mind but now things were messier than ever. I didn’t want a relationship. Did I? And what Justine had said was right, I had no right to move on. I was dishonouring her brother’s memory, something I never intended to do. So why couldn’t I stay away from Chase Williams? What was so special about him? I had tried ignoring him, but it hurt me to cut him off like that. There were no texts, no lunches at The Mermaid, no chats in the office to brighten my day. Being with Chase, it brought me happiness, it gave me a feeling of clarity. When he wasn’t around, I found myself thinking about him. I often wondered where he was, what he was doing, and if he was okay. I hated putting a self-imposed ban on seeing him and let’s be honest, I hadn’t managed to stick to it.

I had been working non-stop recently, there were so many great books and so many talented authors to try and sign with us. I hadn’t had much chance to speak to Chase since the night of the party, but I was no longer ignoring him.

A week later, a bouquet of beautiful purple calla lilies had been delivered to my office. There was a note attached that read:

‘Lys, Sorry for being hard on you. You’re my best friend, my sister-in-law, and I love you. I hope you’ll forgive me. Speak soon? Love Justine xx’

I didn’t want to stay on bad terms with her, so I sent her a text thanking her for the flowers and said I’d call her soon.

“Hey, fancy lunch?” a voice came from my door.

I looked around to see Lexi with a big smile on her face.

“Sure, let me grab my things.” I smiled as I logged off the computer and grabbed my purse.

“Haven’t see you much recently,” Lexi nudged me as we walked out of the building.

“Sorry, it’s been hectic. What’s new with you?”

“Well Caine and I are officially an item.”

Lexi had invited Caine to my house-warming and they had seemed like a couple, so I had assumed. But it was nice to hear Lexi say it and I couldn’t help but be happy for her. At least somebody’s love life was normal.

“That’s great!” I replied as we reached my car.

“Yeah, he’s really something,” she said, reaching for the door handle.

“Mermaid okay for lunch?” I asked as I started the engine and pulled out of the parking lot.

“Sure.”

Lexi hadn’t been much of a fan of the place when we’d first met, she’d always wanted to go somewhere fancier for lunch. But just recently, she had been to The Mermaid more often. I turned the radio on and selected to play tunes from my iPod. I selected shuffle and the first song on was “Hungry Eyes.” I was suddenly reminded of the beautiful depths of those green eyes with flecks of gold that shone with hunger whenever he looked at me. I smiled to myself as I recalled the last time I had looked into those eyes.

“What’s got you in such a good mood?”

“Oh nothing in particular.” I smiled as I continued to sing along.

“I don’t know how you listen to such sappy music,” she responded with a smirk.

“Yeah, well, the rule in this car is, the driver picks the music and the passenger can like it or lump it.” I bobbed my tongue out at her.

“Good rule. Next time, I drive!”

I couldn’t understand how Lexi was such a girly girl until it came to her musical tastes. She much preferred R&B. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but to listen to it all the time would irritate me. I have quite eclectic taste in music.

We pulled into the pub car park and I switched off the engine.

“It’s only a short journey, you can put up with my music.” I nudged her in the ribs.

“It’s depressing listening to music about love, especially when so many songs are written for break-ups.”

Walking through the doors I was met with a stunning green-eyed gaze. I hadn’t known he would be here, but I had secretly hoped he would be.

“Oh look who’s here, it’s your lover,” Lexi said as she strode to the bar.

“What?”

“It’s okay, I’m good with secrets.” She mimed zipping her lips and throwing away the key.

“Whatever. He’s not my lover. End of story.”

I really didn’t want to get into a conversation about Chase, especially not while he was in the same room.

“What can I get you girls?” Em asked as she walked round the bar to where we sat.

“Diet Pepsi for me please. I’m watching my figure,” Lexi replied.

“Same for me please Em.”

I looked around the bar and smiled when I noticed Chase looking at me.

“These are on me, Em,” Chase piped up from where he sat.

“Thank you, Chase,” Lexi purred.

“You’re most welcome.” He smiled and that dimple appeared, making him look all the more gorgeous.

Looking him over, I saw he wore a tailored grey suit I had seen him in many times. He paired it with a black shirt and it looked incredible, but then I couldn’t think of a time I had seen him dressed any less impeccable. I could almost smell his cologne and the minty smell of his breath. Closing my eyes, I inhaled deeply. Of course it was all in my mind, but I swore the smell got stronger. As I opened my eyes, I realised why, all of a sudden Chase was next to me. Any closer and he’d have been on my stool with me.

“How are we, ladies?” Chase asked, looking at me intently.

“She’s so snowed under with work, I had to drag her out to lunch,” Lexi replied, sipping her drink.

“It’s not that bad.” I laughed.

“You’ve been so busy lately that I have hardly seen you,” she replied, rolling her eyes at me.

“Lots of new authors to sign, that’s all.”

“All work and no play makes Lys a dull girl,” Chase remarked.

“Well then I must be dull,” I replied with a smirk.

“You’re far from dull, when you’re not at work anyway,” he said with a wink.

I laughed and sipped my drink.

“Are you ladies ordering lunch?” Chase asked.

“We sure are. I’m starving,” Lexi responded as she looked for a menu.

“I won’t disturb you any longer then,” he replied and started to back away.

“You’re welcome to join us,” she purred.

“Oh no, I don’t want to intrude.”

“You’re not. Is he, Lys? Tell him!”

“Of course not, Chase. You’re welcome to join us,” I replied as I grabbed a menu and started browsing the selection so I didn’t have to make eye contact with him.

“Well, if you insist. I was going to eat alone, but who could resist an invitation to join two beautiful ladies?” His accent was doing things to me and I couldn’t hide the blush that crept across my face.

We went and sat at a table and decided what to eat. Em came and took our order, then disappeared into the kitchen.

“So, Lexi, tell me, what have you been up to lately?” Chase asked.

“Well, Caine and I have been going out a lot,” she replied and this time it was her turn to blush.

“So he tells me,” Chase replied.

“Does he talk about me?” Now her blush was even deeper red.

“You know us guys, we don’t gossip like you girls. But he has said that he’s lucky to have a girlfriend like you.”

Lexi’s eyes lit up as a smile graced her beautiful face.

“Aw, Lexi, you chose a real sweetie by the sounds of it,” I added into the quiet air that had fallen since Chase had spoken.

“He really is.” If it was possible, her smile widened and her eyes twinkled. Everything about the way she acted suggested it could be love.

I sat and watched her interact with Chase about Caine and was sucked into my own thoughts.

Ethan picked me up for our first date. He held a single red rose out to me as I walked out of the front door. I took the rose and inhaled its scent.

“Thank you.” I smiled, touched by his thoughtfulness.

“A beautiful flower for a beautiful woman,” he replied as he opened the car door for me.

I got in the car and smiled as he shut the door and walked to the driver’s side.

Ethan hadn’t told me where we were going. He only told me to dress casual, maybe wear a dress, for the night. I sat in his car in my favourite blue dress, it was a soft flowing summer dress. Since I didn’t know where we were going, I had gone for soft colours in my makeup and paired the dress with a cute pair of silver kitten heels and a matching clutch bag.

“You look stunning this evening, Lys,” Ethan said as he turned to me and took my hand. He kissed the back of my hand and I could feel the colour in my cheeks.

He started the engine and reversed out of the driveway. We turned out of my parents’ driveway and drove along familiar roads until we got to a local village pub, the Cob and Pen. As we made our way inside, I could hear the sounds of a band playing. It turned out that as it was summer, there was a barbecue and live band out back. They were currently covering “Why Don’t You and I” by Santana.

Ethan took hold of my hand and led me outside. He waved hello to the bar staff as we walked through. I smiled at his ease and friendly nature. I had been surprised when he had asked me out, but I had liked him since his sister Justine—the best friend a girl could ask for—had introduced us. She had wanted to set me up with him for ages, but being shy had me declining every time she tried. I must say, I was glad to have caved in.

We sat outside, soaking up the warmth of the evening and enjoying the music. Ethan was so attentive and I kept catching him looking at me intently when he didn’t think I was watching. As far as first dates went—and I didn’t have much experience—this one was a lot of fun. The music was good, the food was delicious, and the company was easily the best I’d had. Ethan was so sweet and endearing.

I went to the ladies’ room to freshen up after eating with my fingers. I looked at myself in the mirror and reapplied my lipstick. I ran my hands through my red hair and smiled at my reflection. I was happy and it showed.

As I walked back outside, the band began to play “Amazed” by Lonestar and Ethan asked me to dance. Although I had always been shy, Ethan brought me out of my shell with the easy conversation and the way he made me laugh, so I took his hand and let him lead me to dance. He held me close and sang the words quietly in my ear—he had a beautiful voice—sending tingles down my spine.

“Earth to Lys, are you hearing me?” I was suddenly shaken out of my memories by a hand on my arm. I looked at Lexi—holding back the tears that threatened—and offered a smile.

“Sorry, I zoned out there,” I choked past the lump forming in my throat.

I blinked back the tears and took a sip of my drink. Our food was in front of us and I guessed that was why Lexi had shook me.

“Where did you go?” Lexi enquired.

“Oh I was just thinking about work.” The lie rolled smoothly off my tongue.

“What did Chase just say about all work and no play?”

“Sorry, it’s just that my job is getting harder. I thought that more authors would sign with us but I’ve had some turn the opportunity down recently.”

“It’s a dog eat dog industry,” Chase remarked.

“It sure is,” I agreed. “The thing is, there’s such a battle going on these days over being indie versus traditionally published.”

“It’s because there are some people that say an indie author that signs with a publisher isn’t sticking to their roots,” Lexi pointed out.

“That’s true, but there are far more people that encourage each other than those that rip each other to shreds,” Chase said before taking a bite of his burger.

“That’s true. I’m trying to get two authors to sign with us at the moment and it looks like one is possibly going to be a bit easier than the other.”

I took a bite of my wrap and was glad the conversation was easy. The memory of mine and Ethan’s first date had threatened to ruin lunch, but being with friends made it easier to keep my past at bay, for now at least.

We finished our lunch and drove back to work. The conversation had remained focused around work and I was thankful for that. Lexi had told us about a book she was currently tasked with editing and it sounded like a book I should like to read. I did, after all, have a new den that was perfect for staying curled up with a good book.

Chapter

Twenty-Six

Today was set to be the biggest day of my life. I have had Justine sat with me all morning, talking to me, trying to soothe my frayed nerves. I’ve been sat in front of the mirror on my dresser, looking at the woman I have become. In three short years, Ethan has changed my life immeasurably. He’s been my rock. He supported me when I left university and got my very first job at Peterson’s Press. I’ve loved every moment of my life with him. We have been inseparable since Justine set us up on our very first date. The Cob and Pen has become a regular feature in our lives from that day to this. We’re headed there later today.

Justine is dressed in a lavender coloured dress. She looks stunning. Her long dark hair cascading around her shoulders in waves, what little makeup she has on really brings out her beautiful eyes. I look at her and she smiles so wide that it nearly splits her face in two.

“Are you ready to get dressed, Miss Jenson?” she asked as she handed me another small glass of champagne.

“Almost,” I replied as I sipped the champagne, the bubbles going up my nose a little.

“Almost? You’ll be more than ‘fashionably late’ if you don’t hurry your cute little ass up.”

I laughed and the bubbles from my glass went down the wrong way, making me cough, then laugh even harder.

“I won’t be late,” I said as I tried to suppress the laughter.

“Not on my watch you won’t, now hurry up and be ready to get dressed. What’s the hold up?”

“Nothing, I just…” How did I explain my feelings to her? Sure, she’s my best friend, but she’s also Ethan’s sister. It wasn’t that I got cold feet at any point, nor was it any kind of dread over what was to come. I just…I can’t even explain it myself.

I got up and walked to the dress bag hung on the back of the bedroom door. I unzipped the bag and pulled the material out. I ran my hand down the dress, it really was stunning. Justine and I had chosen it not long after Ethan proposed. Before me hung a simple, elegant gown in ivory, the only bling was over the sweetheart bust and a little brooch where the material gathered at the side. I’ve always had very simple tastes and this elegant gown just spoke to me when I entered the store that day.

“It’s time to put it on, babe, no putting it off any longer,” Justine whispered in my ear. I hadn’t even noticed her move across the room, but now I felt her over my shoulder, looking at the dress in front of us.

“Will you help me?” my voice came out barely more than a whisper.

“That’s what a best friend is for!” she chirped as she took the champagne glass I hadn’t realised I was still holding.

***

Walking into the church that day, I wasn’t nervous like many brides are. I was over the moon that this day was finally here, this moment where I would become Mrs. Alyssa Young. Ethan and I had been together for three years and engaged for one. I might have been only twenty years old—and some may think that’s young to be getting married—but I knew this loving, amazing man was who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Of that, I was certain.

***

Looking at my husband-to-be, I smiled and my mouth became a little dry. The priest nodded at Ethan to read out his vows, words he had written himself.

“Alyssa Jenson, you are the most beautiful woman in the world. Not only for the way your eyes sparkle when you laugh, or for the laughter that reminds me of the sweetest music, but also for your ability to make other people smile, even if you are feeling sad. You aren’t just beautiful for something as shallow as your looks, you are also beautiful for your heart and soul. You are my kindred spirit, my best friend, my lover and my soul mate. I stand before you this day, the happiest man alive. Not just because this is our wedding day, but because it is the first day of the rest of our lives. We have a journey before us and I am so lucky to be able to have you by my side. I know you will always be here for me and with me. I trust you with my heart, I know you’ll never break it. Today we will leave this place as husband and wife and nothing could make me happier. I love you, Alyssa. I love you so very, very much. Mere words cannot sum up the way you fill my heart with joy and love, but I can promise that for the rest of our lives, I will do everything I can to make you feel as loved as I do.”

He slipped the white gold, diamond encrusted band on my finger and my throat clogged up as tears made their way to my eyes.

I didn’t want my makeup to run, but Ethan’s words had me stunned into silence and my eyes streamed with tears. I could taste the salt on my lips from the warm tears that rested. I had written my own vows too, but now, my words seemed insignificant. What could I say that could match the love that Ethan had shared? I stood for a moment and thought. It wasn’t the words that mattered, actions speak louder, so no matter what I said, I knew Ethan would understand how I felt because I was going to show him every single day how much he meant to me.

“Ethan Young, you are the other half of me, the yin to my yang, the light in the dark. I love you more than words can say. From now until the end of time, I promise to show you just how much you mean to me. From the moment I met you, I knew we had something special. I was only seventeen years old when we met and you were twenty-two. I didn’t know that just three years later, we would be married. You are the love of my life, the love of my dreams, the love that I want for now and for always. I didn’t just find a friend or lover in you, I found Mr. Right. I found the man that every woman dreams of having someday. You have seen me at my best and you have seen me at my worst—yet you are still here by my side. I will endeavour to be the wife you need, from now until the day I die. We have had such an amazing journey, yet we still have so many more miles to go. Our life is a story, as yet unwritten, a map yet unchartered. I cannot wait to discover what lies ahead with you by my side, your gentle hand in mine, our paths entwined forever. I love you so much, Ethan, I have never known a love as pure. It is with all the love in my heart that I stand before our family and friends, here in this moment, to become your wife, to complete you as you complete me.”

I saw the tears shine in Ethan’s eyes as I spoke. He held my hand gently in his and shed those tears as I finished reciting the vows I had spent so long trying to write. In the end, I had stopped thinking with my head and went with what I was feeling in my heart. I wasn’t embarrassed to stand in front of everyone we knew and tell him how much he meant to me. I was proud.

I beamed with pride as I slipped the white gold band on his ring finger.

***

I woke with tear-stained cheeks and sweat clinging to my body. I had gone to bed that night with thoughts of Ethan in my head. I had been wondering what he would say if he were still here. Of course, if he was here with me, Chase and I wouldn’t have started whatever it is that’s going on between us. I wouldn’t even live here, I’d be back in my old home in Fareham, still in my old job at Peterson’s, with my old friends around me. I was feeling lost without my best friend to lean on, and though Lexi and I had become friends, it wasn’t something I felt comfortable discussing with her.

I got out of bed and went to the drawer in my dresser. Taking out the silver packet, I walked over to the loveseat in my bedroom window. Picking up the ashtray and lighter, I took a seat, opened my bedroom window, and lit a cigarette. I inhaled the smoke, held it for a moment and then let it into the night air. Thoughts clouded my mind, each racing by too fast for me to hold onto. As I finished my cigarette, I stayed sat with the window open. I leaned my head on my arms on the windowsill and tried to calm my racing mind.

What was it that bothered me so much? Was it the thought of moving on and leaving Ethan behind? Was I really leaving him behind? He was, after all, in my thoughts in one way or another every single day.

Moving on after the end of a long-term relationship is one thing, but it’s a whole other story when your partner dies. The end of a relationship is always hard, it takes time for wounds to heal, especially when it’s not you that leaves and when the person who walks away leaves you with no explanation. But Ethan didn’t walk away from me because he didn’t love me anymore, or because there were issues we couldn’t resolve. No, he had chosen to take his own life due to his illness. We never expected what happened, we never planned for a day where one of us would die. We always thought of those days as being many years down the line. Nobody expected that at the age of twenty-eight, Ethan would be told he had ALS and that he would be gone from us just two years later.

I closed the window and returned to bed. My mind was clearer as I thought of Ethan. Not a particular day or a specific event in life, I just thought about him, the man he was. I could hear his voice as clear as if he were right next to me. He wasn’t saying anything important, he was just talking, calming me down. Ethan had always had a calming effect on me. He was my balance, helped me find my equilibrium. Now that he was gone, I was off balance. It felt like part of me died that day. I had gone out and by the time I returned, he was gone. He’d left me a note. A damn letter. Words on a page. As if that would bring me some semblance of peace! How fucked up! I held his limp body and cried as I waited for an ambulance, a doctor, someone to come and help me. I dropped the phone to the floor and held my husband in my arms. He looked peaceful, as though he was just sleeping. It was the most peaceful I had seen him in two years. Slowly, his body had degenerated, he was unable to perform even the simplest of tasks for himself. I had taken a leave of absence from work to be by his side as he had gotten to the point where he could no longer make a cup of tea or undo the zip of his jeans. He was so young and his quality of life was only going to go downhill. I could understand why he had done what he had done, but that didn’t make my heart hurt any less.

Chapter

Twenty-Seven

Chase

It has been too long since I spent any time alone with Alyssa. I want more than anything to show her that we can be so good together, that’s why I’ve asked her to come on a date with me tonight. Amazingly, she agreed. I’m not going to be pushy, I refuse to be the kind of man that I’m not. She will come to me in her own time, of her own volition, or she won’t. That’s entirely up to her. All I can do is show her that I’m here waiting for her and show her that I’m a good man, with only good intentions towards her. I won’t hurt her. I won’t lie to her. I won’t do anything to jeopardise what we could have. Gradually, I will let her know that I am in love with her and that I’m not going anywhere.

I have to work today and I just know that the day is going to drag by too slowly, that’s what happens when you’re looking forward to something. I have the tickets for tonight ready and the backstage passes too. I have even picked out what to wear. It sounds girly, I know, but I have planned everything down to the finer details because I want everything to be right. I managed to get the tickets from a friend of a friend at the very last minute. He had them on hold for me in the hope that Alyssa would say yes, but he would have had to give them to someone else if not. I’m so glad she said yes. Not just because I’m looking forward to spending time alone with her, but also because I know without a doubt that she will love what lies in wait for her.

I arrive at work and see Alyssa’s car just pulling into the parking lot. I can’t help but smile as I sit and watch her get out of the car, looking every inch the businesswoman but also looking sexy in a pair of black stilettos.

Getting out of my car, I look up as I hear her voice.

“Good morning,” she calls across the space between us.

“Good morning,” I respond as I lock the car and make my way over to her.

“Busy day ahead?”

“As per usual. I have tons to get through.”

“I meant to ask, am I meeting you at yours tonight?” she asked as I opened the door and held it for her.

“No. I’ll pick you up. Seven o’clock.”

“Okay. I’m looking forward to it,” she replied as we got in the elevator.

I look at her and am consumed by the thought of kissing her. I remember the last time we did that in this very elevator. The sight of her as she licks her dry lips makes her all the more tempting. I want nothing more than to make her mine. I hope she’ll enjoy tonight, I know I will, but for very different reasons. Yes, tonight’s plans are fun, and I’m sure to enjoy it, but there’s no doubt that most of my enjoyment will come from seeing Alyssa’s reaction to my plans.

“Are you still not telling me what we’re doing?” she asks, pulling me from my thoughts.

“It’s a surprise. A surprise is in its very definition something that is unexpected.” I can’t wait to see her face when she sees what I have in store for her. This evening has several different stages, all thought out by me.

“I have a love/hate relationship with surprises,” she says and smiles at me. She really is stunning when she smiles. She’s stunning all the time, but when a smile touches her eyes, they twinkle like stars.

“Oh really? Well, I’m afraid that it will remain a surprise right up until we get where we’re going.”

I know for a fact that she will enjoy tonight. How much is still in question, but I know there’s no way she will hate this surprise.

We get out of the elevator at our floor. I watch her as she walks a little ahead of me. Her ass is pert and sexy. The way she walks in those heels…I find myself drawn to her legs—they look long and slender—I wouldn’t mind having them wrapped around me right now.

“So, I’ll see you tonight,” Alyssa says as we get to her office.

“You sure will. Dress in something casual.” I smile as I leave her at her door.

My day has been started off with a breath-taking smile from the woman I love. I head to make a coffee and realise that the thought that just crossed my mind wasn’t that I’m ‘falling’ in love with her, it’s that I’ve already fallen.

Chapter

Twenty-Eight

Alyssa

I was so excited about my first real date with Chase. Normally you’d date someone before sleeping with them, but we’d already done that, more than once. So we were doing things a little back to front, but I guess that’s okay. Well, it has to be okay because what’s done can’t be undone.

I spent all day at work wondering where we’d be going, what we’d be doing. What makes for a good first date? He’d said to dress casually and I had been mentally running through my wardrobe for what I could possibly wear. I hadn’t been on a date since Ethan and I were young, and everything about the dating scene has changed since then.

Work took a backseat all morning, but I tried to push thoughts of the night ahead aside so I could actually get on with some work. I got my Kindle out and downloaded a book submitted by an indie author that I remembered from my days at Peterson’s Press. Kaylee Darting was a great author. She had a few books that were published by Peterson’s and a few she had published herself. I had got in contact with her recently and asked what she had in the works. She had just finished writing her new stand-alone novel and was happy to submit it to Emerging Butterfly. It was an NA Contemporary Romance—a favourite genre of mine, along with YA Paranormal and Dystopian—called Love Is…I began to read and found myself absolutely drawn in. The world building was stunning and the characters were very realistic, almost tangible. I hoped that we could sign her with us and publish her brilliant new novel.

Before I knew it, it was four-thirty and time to go home. Suddenly, the idea of the date hit me. What was I thinking? Having not dated anyone since Ethan made me scared. What if I totally messed up? Technically, we knew each other quite well because of working together, so conversation should be easy, but for some reason there was a nervous energy in the pit of my stomach.

Arriving home, I saw a bouquet of the most beautiful orchids on my doorstep. I reached for them and saw a card attached, it read;

Alyssa, I saw these and thought of you. Can’t wait for tonight.

Chase xxx

I smiled to myself as I let myself into the house and found a vase. I hadn’t been sent flowers in a long time, except the ones from Justine, but that was different because she’s my best friend and also a girl. I turned on the radio and found myself singing along to “Blank Space” by Taylor Swift. I’m not normally a lover of her music, but I had to admit this one was pretty catchy. I filled the vase with water, arranged my flowers, and went upstairs for a shower.

As I stood under the spray of hot water, I thought of the possible plans for the night ahead. I have always found it hard when it comes to surprises because I am a bit OCD and like to plan meticulously for things. The night could turn out to be amazing, or it could turn out to be a disaster. I was hoping for the former. I washed my hair and body quickly, hoping that I’d have time to relax and calm my growing nerves.

I turned off the water and wrapped a towel around myself as I went to my walk-in closet. How wonderful it was to have such a thing compared to living in that shithole of a bedsit. I looked around for something to wear, having no real idea about whether I would be better off wearing a dress or jeans, high heels or flat shoes. Scanning the selection of jeans I had, I picked a comfortable pair that had that ‘vintage’ look to them—Justine always told me I had a great ass in them—and then I pulled down one of my favourite t-shirts that read ‘life isn’t about finding yourself, it’s about creating yourself.’ I looked around the closet for my pair of purple Converse to complete the look.

Looking at myself in the mirror on my dresser, I saw a flicker of hope on my face. Could this be the start of something? Did I want it to be? It was a possibility, I couldn’t deny that.

I got dressed and sat at my mirror to do my makeup. I turned my iPod dock on and set about getting ready. The nervous ball of energy in my stomach turned to flutters of excitement and I hummed along to the music. As I finished getting ready, I stood and looked at myself in the full-length mirror. I looked casual but I wasn’t sure I shouldn’t be wearing something a little smarter, that’s one of the problems with not knowing where you were going and it being a first date too, I wanted to dress to impress. I decided to add my black leather jacket to compliment my outfit choice.

Walking downstairs, I decided to have a small glass of wine and chill out in the lounge until Chase turned up. I poured myself a little more than I had meant to but figured it wouldn’t matter as Chase was driving. I put the television on and flicked until I found something worth watching, repeats of Two Broke Girls.

The doorbell rang and I smiled to myself as I put my empty glass down and went to let Chase in. Opening the door, I saw the most gorgeous smile I had seen in what felt like forever, the dimple in his cheek making my tummy flutter even more.

“Wow, check you out,” he said, followed by a wolf whistle.

“Thanks, are you sure this isn’t too casual?” I asked as I reached for my leather jacket that hung on the bannister at the bottom of the stairs.

“You look great,” he said, smiling as he reached for my hand.

I grabbed my purse and closed the door behind me, slipping my hand into his as we walked to his car.

Chase opened the car door like a gentleman and closed it behind me as I got in. Where we were going was still a mystery and I had butterflies in my tummy in anticipation.

We drove for a while, then we pulled up outside a small arena where they have local bands play. I had no clue who was playing, but I was excited that our first date seemed to be a gig. Chase switched off the engine and looked at me. My face broke into a huge grin at the sight of that sexy dimple. I looked into his beautiful eyes and was captivated by the look in them. There was something about his eyes that always drew me in—it’s one of the reasons I had trouble staying away from him—they were so soulful and deep, they told me what kind of man he was. Sounds mad, I know, but it’s true.

As we entered the building, I could hear music being played, but had no idea who the band was. I looked at the walls around us, hoping they’d have a poster up that would tell me who it was we had come to see. Chase took my hand and we walked to the ticket office. He handed over our tickets and the guy behind the counter wished us a pleasant evening. I didn’t see the tickets, so I was still clueless. Before I had a chance to ask him who we’d come to see, Chase walked towards the bar for a drink.

In the background, the band began to play “Iris” by The Goo Goo Dolls. It sparked a memory of watching City of Angels with Ethan, but instead of getting choked up, I smiled at the memory and sang along softly to the song.

“This is just the support band,” Chase said after the song ended.

“Who is it we’re here to see?”

“Well, you once told me that you liked DragonQuest, so I got us tickets.” His smile was contagious.

“Really?” I could feel the smile reach the corners of my eyes. I loved DragonQuest, a local indie band. I had been to see them a couple of times when they had been over my way in Portsmouth. They had some great songs they had written themselves, but they also covered some brilliant songs from The Cure to The Smiths, Depeche Mode to New Order, as well as The Calling, Plain White Tees, Aerosmith, all sorts of bands. That was what made them so appealing, they weren’t pigeon-holed into one genre.

“Really!” Chase smiled back at me, “I take it that’s okay by you?”

“Okay? It’s brilliant! I haven’t seen them in about four years.”

I heard the opening bars to “Blue Dress” by Depeche Mode, then felt Chase take my hand. He led me into the main hall where I could see DragonQuest on stage. We were so close to them and I just knew that tonight would be a good night. What an unusual first date. Or at least it was to me. But not in a bad way, in a great way. Music is my second passion, with reading obviously being my first. I couldn’t believe he’d gone to the effort to get tickets to see them, moreover, I couldn’t believe he remembered that I had mentioned them once in conversation.

“This song sort of reminds me of you.” That Brazilian accent sent goose bumps over my flesh and made the little hairs on the back of my neck stand on end. It was more noticeable when he spoke seductively in my ear. He wrapped an arm around me and I rested the back of my head against his chest.

“Why?” I couldn’t think why this song in particular reminded him of me.

“The night of my promotion party, you wore an off-shoulder blue dress and I couldn’t take my eyes off you,” he whispered across my skin, causing me to shiver. I could barely believe he remembered that.

“Oh.”

Chase began to dance and swayed me in his arms. I surrendered to him as he moved us in time to the music.

“Thank you, ladies and gents. That song was for a special lady here in the audience tonight. Give a round of applause for Alyssa Young,” the lead singer, Jet, said into the microphone.

The arena broke out into applause and I felt a blush creep across my cheeks. I wasn’t sure what on Earth was going on, but I knew Chase had to have something to do with it.

“Jet and I grew up together, back when his name was Mark,” Chase said as he took in the look on my face, “I asked him for a favour tonight.”

“Wow.” I was speechless. No-one had done anything like that for me before.

“It gets better,” Chase whispered cryptically in my ear as the band began to play their next song.

***

The gig had been great. Chase and I had danced and sang along to some of our favourite tunes. He had a gorgeous singing voice, his accent making everything sound more sensual. After the band left the stage, Chase took my hand and led me to a door at the side. He knocked twice and waited. A large burly guy with a shaved head and tattoos opened the door and looked us over. Chase retrieved something from his pocket and handed it to me. I couldn’t believe my eyes, it was a backstage pass. I put the lanyard around my neck and he did the same.

The burly security guard stepped to one side and let us in. I looked around the room and saw most of the band members were sat on a couch drinking water and chatting. Jet looked up at the sound of our entrance. He came towards us and opened his arms to give Chase a hug.

“Hey dude, long time no see!” Jet said as he stepped back and looked at the two of us. “And who is this beautiful lady?”

“This is my girl…this is Alyssa,” he said, saving himself at the last moment. I wasn’t his girlfriend, but the way he spoke told me he wanted me to be.

“Hey, Alyssa, I’m Jet,” he introduced himself before pulling me in for a hug.

“Hi, Jet, great gig tonight.”

“Thanks, wanna come and meet the rest of the band?” he asked, leading the way over to the guys.

Chase didn’t let go of my hand like I thought he would after his slip up, instead his grip became tighter. I tried to hide the smile that played across my lips.

“Guys, this is my friend Chase and his girlfriend Alyssa,” Jet said to the guys on the couch.

A chorus of greetings ensued, followed by handshakes and fist bumps. I still couldn’t believe I was actually backstage with the band, I felt like I was dreaming and would wake up disappointed any moment. Okay they were only a local indie band, it’s not like they were huge, but I thought they were awesome and they had quite a large following. The fact that Chase had organised Jet singing that song for me and the backstage passes, the fact that he had thought to bring me to a DragonQuest gig at all, was pretty fucking awesome. As first dates go, I would say this one was pretty amazing. I didn’t want the night to end.

Chapter

Twenty-Nine

Chase

I can’t believe I nearly called Alyssa my girlfriend. What a dumbass mistake to make on a first date. Thankfully, she either didn’t notice or decided to let me off for saying it. Then Jet went and introduced her to the band as my girlfriend and I swear I nearly died. Nothing was said about it though, she obviously isn’t one to make a fuss in public, and hopefully she won’t when we were alone either.

I look at her as she’s sat talking animatedly to Jet and the guys and I can’t help but smile to myself, she really is passionate about music and from the conversation, I learned that she is into all different styles of music. I am so glad I chose this as our first date. She’d mentioned DragonQuest to me in conversation at work before and I knew then that I would ask Mark, aka Jet, to let us backstage after a gig. We’d known each other for years and I’d been to so many gigs over the last few years. It even turns out that I’ve been to some of the same ones as Alyssa. She didn’t know they were playing so close to home, I guess she’d been busy with work, so I managed to get us tickets and passes. Seeing her eyes light up as she talks is well worth a hundred times what I paid for the tickets, and then some.

“So Alyssa, how long have you and Chase been an item?”

My ears pricked up at this question from Jet. I had hoped he wouldn’t pry.

“Oh not long,” she lied smoothly. I can’t believe she actually went along with it.

“How did you meet?”

“We met at work actually. I moved to the area a little while ago and found a job at Emerging Butterfly. I bumped into Chase on my first day there.”

“Cool. I’ve known him since we were teenagers, he’s a great guy. He’s also a lucky guy, how else would he get a hot tamale like you?”

Seeing the blush rise from her neck to her cheeks, I know I have to rescue her from this line of questioning, but I can’t help thinking she’s beautiful with rose-tinted cheeks.

“Alyssa, I hate to drag you away, but we do have somewhere to be after this and we’re going to be late if we don’t get going soon,” I interjected.

“Oh, and we were just getting to know each other,” Jet pouted and looked at us with puppy dog eyes.

“Man, that puppy dog eye thing might work to get a girl into bed, but I’m a guy, so it ain’t working on me,” I replied.

I reach my hand out to Alyssa and help her from the couch.

“It was great to meet you, Jet, but we do have plans. I’m sorry,” she said with a smile that could melt hearts.

“It was good to meet you too, Alyssa. You have such passion about music and you’ve been to so many of our gigs. Next time we’re in the area, I’ll drop Chase a text and we can all meet up again,” Jet said as he reached to hug her goodbye.

“That would be great, we’ll see you then,” she replied as she hugged him back.

We said goodbye to the rest of the band before leaving the way we came. We got all the way to my car—hand in hand—before Lys spoke.

“Hot tamale? Jet sure is something else, huh?” She smiled at me as I held open her door.

“Umm, that’s one way of putting it. He’s certainly unique.”

I closed her door and got in the car. We didn’t really have plans, but I wasn’t ready for this night to end.

“So, what are these ‘other plans’ you mentioned?” Her voice breaks my train of thought.

“Umm…Yeah…About that…” I didn’t know what to say. I hadn’t really thought it through beyond getting away from Jet’s prying.

“It’s okay, I could feel you were uncomfortable with Jet’s questioning. Lying about how long we’d been dating was easy, but the conversation would’ve just got harder from there.”

You can’t say Lys isn’t intuitive, but it wasn’t me I was thinking about.

“It was actually you I was thinking of, I was trying to save you having to lie. I didn’t really fancy telling him the truth after him assuming we were a couple though. I guess, well, I liked the idea of someone thinking we were a proper couple.”

“Truth is, I didn’t mind either.” Her response was so quiet that I thought for a moment I had imagined it.

All I can do is smile as I try to keep my eyes on the road but I’m drawn to take a quick peek at her beautiful face. I’m trying to come up with a plan off the top of my head that will keep her out with me tonight, but I’m coming up empty.

“We could go back to mine, open a bottle of wine, and call you a cab later,” I suggest as we head back towards Brockwood.

“That would be nice.”

I risk taking another glance at her and what I see fills my heart. She’s turned slightly in her seat to face me and the moonlight makes her whole face light up. Her mouth quirks to one side as she catches me looking her way. She has the sweetest smile and I want to do everything in my power to keep her smiling, always. Being unable to tell her how in love with her I am in this moment is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. But I must keep my feelings to myself for now, or run the risk of scaring her away.

Tonight has been the best night I’ve had in a long time. It’s been such a long time since I went on a first date, I’d forgotten what it was like to feel that first rush of pure joy. My life was kind of a mess before, but now that Alyssa is in it, it seems a better place to be.

The rest of the drive back to my place is filled with a comfortable silence. If she were any other woman, I would think silence on a first date would suggest she was bored, but Alyssa Young isn’t any other woman. She’s beyond compare. I haven’t felt my heart filled with so much love since…well, just in a long time.

I pull up on my driveway and go around to her side of the car. It seems she has learned to be patient and wait for me to open it for her. She’s usually so headstrong she does everything for herself, but I was brought up with old-fashioned values and opening doors for a woman is just second nature to me. Alyssa looks at me as I offer my hand to help her from the car. She smiles and places her hand in mine. It feels good to touch her, even just the touch of a hand. I want more, so much more, but only fools rush in. I need to give her time to figure out where she wants to take it from here and I don’t just mean where she wants to take it tonight. I mean the future. I wonder if she can fall for me the way I have fallen for her.

I walk to my door with her soft hand safely ensconced in mine. I let us in and take her jacket to hang up for her. My hand is cold and empty, but not for long as she slips hers right back into mine as we walk into my kitchen.

“Red, white, or rose?” I ask as I walk to the wine rack.

“White please,” she answers as she drinks in the sight of my kitchen. She’s only been here once before and though I gave her a tour, she didn’t have the time to sit and appreciate all the hard work Parker had put in to making this house my home.

I take a bottle of white wine out of the rack, retrieve two glasses from the cupboard, and walk to the kitchen island. I look at her and see her radiant skin, the fiery red hair that reaches almost to her elbows and is tonight set in soft waves. But most of all, I am captivated by her eyes. They take me to another place entirely.

“This place really is stunning,” she says, breaking into my daydream of swimming in her ocean eyes.

“Thanks. I told you last time, my cousin Parker did a hell of a job on the renovations.”

I’ve always taken pride in my home. It’s the one place where I can come and be me. Over the years, I have had to get over so many obstacles that as soon as I found the job at Emerging Butterfly just three years ago, I knew I had to buy a house here and settle down. I had been living in rented accommodation until I bought this place. It wasn’t much more than a shell in the beginning but over the next several months, it began to take shape and became a true home.

“He did a superb job. I absolutely love the view from the windows too. It looks across some beautiful land.”

“You should see it in daylight, it’s even more beautiful. Would you like to go through to the lounge?”

“Sure,” she agreed, hopping down from the stool.

I led her into the lounge and set her wine on the coffee table next to the couch. I turned on my iPod dock to play some music quietly while we chatted.

***

I ask Alyssa if she wants to watch a movie, considering she’s stood browsing my large selection of DVDs. I left the choice to her and she chose wisely. I get up to put the movie on and as I take the case from her, our fingers brush, causing her skin to break out in goose bumps. I don’t think she’s realised I noticed. I smile to myself, liking the reaction our touch has on her.

We sit together on the couch and though it’s relatively warm in the lounge, I grab a throw blanket and pull it over our laps. Admittedly, it’s a bit of a ploy to get us to remain close. I reach for the remote and inhale the sensual scent of her—it’s like a mixture of whatever fragrance she’s wearing and the sweet smell of the wine—I lean a little closer and she snuggles into me unexpectedly. I place my arm across the back of the couch and she takes it as an invitation to lean further back against my chest. She places her head in the crook of my arm and we remain like that for the duration of the film. I wonder if she can feel that my heart has been racing all this time. I can’t put my finger on why, but she brings out something in me that has been dormant for the last three years. I haven’t felt like this about a woman since then. Sure, I’ve dated a couple of women, but I never wanted to get as close to them as I find myself wanting to with Alyssa.

I look down at the woman in my arms and know I would do anything for her. I would protect her with my life. She doesn’t know it yet, but I want her to be mine for as long as she’ll have me. Forever would be my goal. I didn’t think I’d ever feel like this again, but now Alyssa has come into my life like the light into the dark and I can finally feel again. I spent too long being numb and that Alyssa is breathing life back into me, slowly but surely.

The movie ends and I realise both of us have been silent while it was on. I don’t know how she feels, but for me it was good just holding her close and watching a film without having to speak. It was comfortable and I feel content.

“That was a great movie,” she says as she sits forward to retrieve her wine glass.

“The Crow is a cult classic,” I said as I got up to fetch the wine bottle from the kitchen.

“Tell me about it. I heard over the years that they were going to remake it and I always hoped they wouldn’t. Nothing could beat the original. There are some films you just don’t mess with. It was so sad how he died while they were making it.”

“I agree. The sequels weren’t even worth making in my opinion.”

I get up and walk to the kitchen, Alyssa close on my heels. As I get to the island and grab the bottle, I turn around and see that she is but a breath away. She steps into me and I place the bottle back down behind me. I look in her eyes for a moment before my lips come crashing down over hers. She kisses me back with an eagerness that makes me twitch in my boxers. I reach my one arm around her and bring her that final inch closer to my body, her tempting body is finally flush with mine and it only serves to make me harder. I want her, I mean really want her. I don’t want to fuck her, I want her in my bed, and I want to make love to her.

I seek out her tongue with mine and taste the sweetness of the wine. I wrap my other arm around her and as the kiss deepens I grab a handful of her hair, pulling back gently to allow me access to her throat. I want to kiss her from top to toe. I place feather light kisses down one side of her neck and I feel her shiver in my arms. I know she’s aroused and I wonder if she can feel me growing ever harder where I’m pressed against her. I feel hands roam my chest and my buttons start to come undone as Lys kisses me harder and opens my shirt. She runs her hands across my bare chest and I can barely contain the groan that comes from my throat at the contact.

Next thing I know, my shirt is lying on the kitchen island and Lys is running her hands down my back, her nails tracing a line right down my spine. I moan and nip her bottom lip between my teeth. As I reach for the hem of her t-shirt, she bats my hand away and whips the top up over her head, momentarily breaking our kiss. After a brief second, her lip are back on mine and I skim my hands across her bare skin. Her skin feels silky and I can’t keep my hands still. Feeling her begin to undo the button at the top of my jeans, my cock strains against the material, begging to be freed.

“Should we take this somewhere more comfortable?” Lys asks as she gets my zip undone.

I don’t reply, instead I take her hand and lead her to my room. Maybe this wouldn’t normally happen on a first date, but I’m not complaining. It isn’t as if we haven’t done this before. Thinking about the last time she was in my room, I start walking a little faster. We finally get to my room and I barely have time to open the door before I feel her arms around me. She runs her hands down my chest as she stands behind me. She lightly rakes her nails down me as she did my back and my cock is now yearning to be inside her. Turning around, I take her face in my hands and kiss her. She melts into the kiss, instantly granting me access to her tongue. She pushes my jeans down my legs and I begin to undo the button of her jeans. A mental image of how sexy her ass looked in them tonight makes my hands move quicker. We stumble towards my bed, undressing each other as we go. Soon we are at the foot of my bed, me in just my boxers and her in matching bra and panties, our other clothes scattered on the floor. I look at her and see hunger flash in her eyes. She looks at my boxers and I know she can see how much I want her. No sooner have I thought that than she places herself as close to me as she can, she offers me her mouth and takes my hands in hers. She places my hands on her ass and I struggle with the fact that there is still material—albeit quite flimsy—between us. I slide my hand up her back and unclasp her bra. She lets it fall down her arms and then removes it completely. Hands all over each other, she presses herself against me and I gently lay her down on the bed. I lay myself over her, resting on my forearms. Nuzzling into her neck, I inhale her scent and place kisses along her jawline, then down her neck. I kiss slowly down to the mound of her breast and then cup her in my hand, flicking the tip of my tongue across her nipple before nipping it between my teeth. Her nipple taut and delicious, I move to do the same to the other one. She moans and I feel the vibration against my skin. Feeling her wriggle slightly underneath me, I catch her hip with my free hand, holding her in place.

Lys’s hands move to my ass and she pulls me closer. She pushes my boxers down with one hand, slipping the other down the front of my boxers and cupping my straining cock in her hand. Soon my boxers are lying discarded on the floor and all that remains between us is her panties. I cup her mound in my hand and feel a warm dampness to her, that’s all I need to assure me that this is what she wants. I lie on my side of the bed next to her and run a finger underneath the flimsy material and slip a finger inside her. Her walls clench around me and it’s all I can do not to rip the material away and ravage her, but I want to go a little slower than that. I pull out of her and run my wet finger in lazy, slow circles around her clit. I see her back arch slightly and hear her gasp as I continue to tease her. I slowly dip my finger back inside her, adding a second finger—making her breathing hitch—as I gently plunge them in and out of her. I lean into her and kiss her, she nibbles at my bottom lip, making my cock twitch against her, which makes her smile. She takes my cock in her hand and runs the tip of a finger around the pre-cum on my head. I jerk involuntarily, making her grip me even harder in her hand. I love the way her skin feels against me, how wet she feels around my fingers, the hardness of myself in her hand. I bask in the glory of having this sex goddess in my bed.

“Oh Chase,” Lys murmurs as I moved my fingers deep inside her.

Her words are like music to my ears. I want to make her come like this but I also want to be buried inside her when she’s finally ready to explode around me. I remember only too well how it feels to have her squeeze her walls around my cock, it feels like heaven. Thinking this is only serving to make my cock throb harder as she moves her hand up and down in that sweet rhythmic way.

“Lys,” I whisper as I lean down to claim her lips with mine.

I kiss down towards her breasts, flick my tongue over them one at a time until they are nice and hard, then I move to kiss down her torso and down to her panty line. She lifts her hips from the bed and I use my free hand to pull them down without having to move my other hand from her body. I slip them down to her ankles and she discards them with a swift kick. I move back to kiss her navel and use my free hand to push her legs apart. She doesn’t protest and that’s all I need before I kiss my way down to my fingers and replace them with my tongue. She tastes like the sweetest thing on Earth and though her hand is now gone from my cock, it twitches and throbs with desire for this beautiful woman.

“Please, Chase, please make love to me,” she whispers into the night.

I stop what I’m doing and manoeuvre myself above her. I reach for my nightstand and withdraw a little foil packet. I hand it to Alyssa and she doesn’t hesitate to tear it open and sheath its contents over my cock. When I am fully covered, I give in to what we both want most and am inside her in an instant. Mere words cannot express how fucking fantastic she feels. She’s warm, wet, and inviting. Her body remains still until I bury myself in as deep as I can go, then I lift her ass and pull her against me. She has her arms above her head, stretched out in all her glory before me and it’s all I can do not to come right there and then. I begin to move and she begins to moan softly. The harder I thrust, the louder she moans. I move so that my one hand is bracing me above her and the other goes to her breast. I gently tug on her erect nipple, this earns me the loudest groan yet. I trace my fingers down her side and grip her hip. She meets my every thrust and I know it won’t be long for either of us, but somehow I hope that we can do this again tonight.

“Chase,” she pants, “harder.”

I do as she asks and thrust harder into her. I go slowly at first but then her nails dig into the cheeks of my ass and I am drawn into moving faster.

“Yes, Chase, harder, faster…”

I brace myself above her with both arms and give it to her harder and quicker than moments before.

“Oh fuck,” she whispers as she begins to unravel. Her body writhes against me as she comes hard and the feeling of her clenching tight around me is my undoing.

I lower myself gently towards her and capture her lips. I seek entrance to her mouth and it is instantly granted. I kiss her softly before getting up and going to the bathroom.

I dispose of the condom in the bathroom bin and am back by her side in seconds. I look at her curled up one side and I slip myself behind her. I drape an arm over her waist and nuzzle into her back.

“If anyone had told me that I would meet the woman of my dreams at work and fall fast in love with her, I never would have believed them,” I whisper against her skin. “But I did and I have.”

She is silent for a long moment and I shit myself as I realise I have just told her I love her. I hadn’t meant to tell her tonight, but it felt right in that moment. Now I am silently praying she doesn’t get dressed and walk out of my life.

Chapter Thirty

Alyssa

I could scarcely believe what Chase said. He was wrapped around me and I enjoyed the feeling of his body pressed up against my back, but he’d just said he loved me. What the hell was I meant to say or do? I couldn’t deny I had feelings for him, but was I ready for the ‘L word’?

“I’m sorry, Alyssa.” His tone was hushed but I still detected the hurt in them.

I turned in his arms and looked at him. Cradling one side of his face in my palm, I looked straight into his eyes as I spoke.

“It isn’t that I don’t care about you, Chase. It isn’t even that I don’t love you. It’s just…I can’t explain. What we have, it’s good. More than good, it’s great. Tonight especially was the most fun I’ve had in a long time. As first dates go, this has been the best, and the sex was phenomenal. But I’m not ready for more yet.”

I saw tears shine in his eyes as he closed them for a long moment before opening them to look at me.

“I’m sorry, Alyssa, I shouldn’t have said that. It was stupid. It’s far too soon to be saying that to you.”

I put a finger to his lips and he stopped talking.

“First of all, you never have to apologise to me for how you feel. Second, it may be too soon as in tonight has been our first real date, but come on, Chase, we’ve known each other since I first moved here. I’m not saying that I don’t feel the same as you do, I just can’t say the words right now. There are things you don’t know about me and maybe when you do, you’ll understand what I mean. For now, can you be content knowing that I care deeply for you?”

There was a long moment of silence, though it probably seemed longer than it actually was.

“I can, Alyssa,” he finally breathed into the still night air.

I breathed a long sigh of relief before tilting my head to kiss him. I put all my unspoken feelings into the kiss and though he seemed reluctant at first, he kissed me deeply in return.

We pulled the covers over us and fell asleep in each other’s arms. I couldn’t help my mind wandering as I drifted off to sleep. I thought about how it would feel to be with Chase properly, to have him know all my secrets. Could we be happy? There was only one way to find out and that involved telling him about the past.

***

Waking the next morning, I saw Chase’s handsome face next to mine on the pillow. His face relaxed in sleep, he looked at peace. I hated to think that in a few hours’ time he might think differently about me, pity does that to some people and I couldn’t help but hope Chase wasn’t one of them.

I walked to the bedroom door and pulled down a robe that hung from a hook. I tied it round my waist and went on the hunt for my morning caffeine fix. Everything seems better with caffeine in hand. I made my way to the kitchen and found everything I needed relatively easily. I crept back upstairs with two mugs of steaming coffee in hand.

Opening the bedroom door, I saw Chase smile as his eyes raked over me and drank in the sight of me in his robe.

“Good morning,” I said as I sat on the edge of the bed and handed him his drink.

“Good morning,” he said, sitting up in bed.

“How did you sleep?” I asked as I slipped my legs back under the cover and rested my back against the headboard.

“Shouldn’t I be asking you that?” he asked, smiling at me.

“Well, I slept quite comfortably, thank you,” I replied, nudging him playfully in the ribs with my elbow.

“Good to know.”

There was that dimple again. He really was handsome. We sat and drank our coffees in a comfortable silence. It wasn’t until his mug was empty that Chase spoke again.

“What are your plans for today?”

“I don’t actually have any. I thought maybe we could spend some time together. There are some things you should know. If you don’t have any plans yourself, that is.”

“I don’t, as it happens. I can give you a lift home for a change of clothes if you would feel more comfortable?”

“That would be great.” I smiled at his thoughtfulness.

I stood and retrieved my clothing from the floor, suddenly remembering that I had left my t-shirt downstairs.

“I’ll fetch it for you.” Chase read my mind.

“It’s okay, I’ll grab it.”

I went to fetch my t-shirt, then went upstairs to get dressed. Chase was already dressed when I returned.

“Would you like some breakfast?”

“Some toast would be great.” I smiled as he walked by me and kissed my cheek.

“Toast it is. Would you like a glass of orange juice or another coffee to go with it?”

“A coffee would be good, thank you.”

With that, Chase left the room, leaving me to get dressed in private.

***

I didn’t want to have ‘that’ conversation with Chase—I couldn’t see it being pretty—all I could see was ugly crying and the need for a box of tissues. I sat and took several deep breaths as I sat on the edge of Chase’s bed. Part of me wanted to grab my things and run, but I knew I wouldn’t get far without my car. All Chase would have to do is get in his car and follow me down the street. Would he do that? Was it worth the risk? I sat and contemplated my options.

I couldn’t make up my mind what I should do, so I picked up my phone and dialled.

“Hey Lys, what’s up?” that voice soothed my frayed nerves.

“Umm…I have a bit of a situation and I don’t know what to do,” I confessed.

“Okay, tell me what’s going on. You know I’ll help you if I can,” came the calm reply.

“I…umm…” I took a deep breath before plunging in, “well, I stayed with Chase last night…”

I couldn’t get the words out of my mouth. My hands were shaking and I felt a few stray tears roll down my cheeks.

“Lys, sweetie, take a breath and tell me when you’re ready. I’m here for you, even if that means listening to silence while you gather your thoughts.”

That was the thing about Clark, he was always a shoulder to lean on. He’d become my closest friend other than Justine and she and I weren’t on the best of terms right now. I knew I could trust him with my life and he knew about Ethan too, which should have made it easier to talk to him. With that in mind, I picked up where I left off.

“Well, staying the night with Chase isn’t the issue. I have to tell him about Ethan, I can’t put it off any longer.” As I spoke, tears raced freely down my face. Ethan, my husband, the love of my life. How did I summarise it for Chase?

“Okay, Lys, firstly, take a few calming breaths. I can’t begin to imagine how hard this is for you. Telling me was one thing. First of all, because I am only a friend, and second of all, because your mother confronted the issue.”

“That’s my mother for you.” I sniffed and walked to Chase’s en-suite for some tissue.

“Yeah, she’s a whirlwind, wonder where my girl gets it from.” Clark’s laugh comforted me like a blanket. Calling him before talking to Chase was definitely for the best.

“I’m more of a train-wreck.” I laughed.

“Well, I didn’t want to hurt your feelings,” I could hear him trying not to laugh, but the light tone of this conversation was easing the ball of nervous energy that had gathered in my abdomen.

“Thanks. You’re such a good friend,” my tone was sarcastic and more at ease than I felt.

“I know.”

“Jerk.” I pulled a face at the phone, though he couldn’t see me.

“Ouch, that hurts. Me a jerk? Never!”

“So what do I do?” I steered the conversation back to the point.

“Well, how much do you want him to know? I’m guessing the more you tell him, the better it will be in the long run. I know it’s going to hurt, but it has to be for the best. You like Chase, a lot, I know you do. I’ve seen the way you look at him, and I know he feels something for you too.”

“That’s just it. I shouldn’t feel anything for him. My husband is dead and I’m walking around with my head in the clouds if I think I could have anything real with Chase.”

“Lys, you’re not a daydreamer. Life isn’t so cut and dried, so black and white. Sometimes there are grey areas. Ethan died two years ago, he’d want you to move on. I’m sure he would want you to be loved, to be cherished the way he can no longer do. He would want you to find peace and happiness.”

“I moved here because I couldn’t deal with the constant reminders of Ethan, reminders of the life we were supposed to live together. I didn’t move here in order to find someone else. Love was not on my agenda.”

“Does life have strict rules? Have you ever thought that everything happens for a reason? Maybe you met Chase because you were meant to. Somehow, Ethan guided you together, he made sure that there would be someone in your life to love you the way you are meant to be loved.”

“Is that straight from your mother’s self-help book?” I couldn’t help but snipe. It sounded like a bunch of hippy bullshit and Clark knew how I felt about that.

“Be snippy all you like, Lys, you know I’m right. You think that Ethan would want you to mourn forever? You’re wrong if you do. There’s no time limit on mourning, just as there’s no time limit that you have to reach before it being okay to love again.”

I didn’t know what to do. Clark was right about there being no rules. Why couldn’t someone write a rulebook, then it would be as easy as flipping to the right page for an answer.

“I’m sorry, Clark. I just…Oh I don’t know. I want this to be easy.”

“It’s only as hard as you make it, Lys. You need Chase to know the truth before you can move on with things together. So you have a choice; a) chicken out and prolong the inevitable or b) tell him the truth. He’s a big boy, he can handle it. And if you two are meant to be together, shouldn’t a relationship be built on honesty and trust?”

“Of course it should, but…”

“No buts, Lys. Just plain honesty. He won’t run because you tell him you are a widow. He’s my friend. Trust me when I say I know this man will not hurt you.”

“What if I hurt him?”

“Would you intentionally hurt him?”

“Never.”

“Then there’s your answer.”

He had a point, but I could end up unintentionally hurting him and then what?

“Okay, look, I should go. He’ll be waiting for me downstairs, I guess I’ve kept him waiting long enough, and I don’t just mean today.”

“Go. Tell him everything and then you can tell me I was right! See you soon.”

“See you soon,” I said, ending the call.

***

I’d eaten two pieces of toast, had a glass of OJ, and now had a cup of coffee in hand, but I still wasn’t ready to open up. I had to get a grip. His reaction would be the same if I told him now or waited a day or two. He’d probably be hurt I hadn’t told him sooner, but fundamentally his reaction would be the same. I looked across the kitchen island at Chase and took a steadying breath. I could and would do this.

“The truth is Chase, I’m…well, there’s no easy way for me to say this but, I’m a widow.”

His hand shot across the island and grabbed onto mine. His eyes looked straight into mine, the kindness in his heart reflected in them.

“I was seventeen when we got together and we married when I was twenty. We had such a great life, we had plans for the future and they were cruelly ripped from us when he was diagnosed with ALS. The disease took him faster than anyone would have guessed. He was twenty-eight when he found out and just thirty when he died.”

Tears tumbled quickly and quietly down my cheeks. Chase got up and fetched me a box of tissues. Handing me a tissue, he brought his stool round the island to sit next to me. He didn’t say anything, just held his hand out palm up on his knee. I placed my hand in his and felt slightly comforted as he stroked his thumb across the back. He hadn’t run so far, time to pull my big girl panties up and tell him everything.

“He didn’t die from the ALS. He committed suicide.”

I saw the look of shock register on Chase’s face.

“I wasn’t there when it happened,” I continued. “I was out doing the shopping. Looking back, I should have known what was going to happen, but hindsight is useless really. Something about that day though, I should have cottoned on sooner. He all but pushed me out the door…” I blew my nose. My eyes were blurry and I knew they’d look bloodshot and awful from where Chase was sat.

“You don’t need to do this now, Lys,” he whispered.

“I do. If I don’t get it all out now, I may never say it.”

I had always carried the deepest well of guilt with me since that day. Looking back, I should have known that Ethan pushing me to go shopping was a bad sign, but I hadn’t known. I was a damn fool.

“Take your time, I’m not going anywhere.”

“Like I said, he was twenty-eight when he was diagnosed. We thought he’d have longer than he did. The disease progressed more rapidly than anyone would have liked. Ethan never talked about dying, he liked to be positive. Then when he got to thirty, he started talking about life and what it would be like for me once he was gone. He told me that I had to promise to let love into my heart again but I made him no such promise. He talked more and more about when he was gone. It broke my heart on a daily basis.”

Chase got up and fetched me a glass of water. Placing it in front of me, he lifted my hand and continued to stroke it in a soothing rhythm.

“I took some time off from my job, special dispensation due to the circumstances. I looked after Ethan, did everything he could no longer do. That, of course, included making trips to the supermarket. This day in particular, I had said I would make chicken casserole for tea, one of his favourites. He saw me to the door in his wheelchair; we had our home specially adapted for him. He kissed me goodbye and waved as I pulled out of the driveway.”

“Lys,” Chase whispered. I knew if I let him speak, the dam I had built inside would break, so I put a finger to his lips and he didn’t say whatever it was he wanted to.

“Anyway, I fetched the groceries and stopped by to see his mom before going home. I invited her to have her tea with us, considering her husband was out of town. So, she came back to mine with me, and when we let ourselves in, silence greeted us. Not the comfortable kind either. Something made the hairs on the back of my neck prick up and I put down my groceries in the hall. I went to the living room, but there was no sign of him. I went to the bedroom, but he wasn’t there either. Then I heard a scream.” I froze as I remembered that day more vividly than I would have liked.

“I ran downstairs towards the sound of Ethan’s mom sobbing and I found them in the back garden. Ethan was slumped over in his chair. His mom was on the ground next to him holding him in her arms. I screamed and threw myself up the path, collapsing as I reached them, calling out his name repeatedly. I checked for a pulse, I opened his eyelids, searching for any kind of response. But he was gone. I saw the bottles on the ground, one had contained water, and the other was pills. Or had been, now it was empty.”

The dam finally broke and I clutched my chest as my whole body was wracked with sobs. Chase’s arms immediately wrapped around me and I sank into his embrace.

“Shh, it’s okay, you’re okay, Lys. I’m here and I’m not going anywhere,” Chase whispered in my ear as he stroked my back.

We sat like that for what seemed like forever. It could have been only minutes, or it could have been hours, but it felt like an eternity before my tears dried and I was able to speak again.

“Chase, can you see? This is why I’m uncertain that there could ever be a future for us,” my voice came out hoarse.

“I can see that his death left you hollow. I can even see why you’ve blown hot and cold, talking to me one minute and ignoring me for weeks the next. But no, I cannot see what this has to do with us and a future. You said yourself, Ethan wanted you to find love again. You might not have made the promise but he felt that you would honour him anyway.”

“I found love once and look how that turned out…” I started, but found I couldn’t finish.

“You can’t rule out falling in love again, Alyssa. You said yourself that you have feelings for me, you just can’t say the words. I don’t know whether you’ll decide to act on your feelings or not, but I love you and I am here for you. I’ll wait for you to be ready, just don’t dismiss me, please.”

“I’m not ready to feel, Chase. I’m sorry,” I said, picking myself up from the stool. I gathered my things and turned for the door.

“Go if you must, but know that I’m here for you, if and when you change your mind.”

Chase’s green gaze burned into mine and his handsome face was the last thing I saw before I turned and bolted for the door, not looking behind me for fear I would change my mind.

Chapter Thirty-One

Chase

As the door closed, it took all my strength not to get up and run after her. But I knew that wouldn’t get us anywhere. She needed time to think, to get her heart and mind on the same page. From what she had just told me, I now knew why she had seemed so broken when we first met. I hadn’t been able to put my finger on it, even thought I might have been dreaming it, but now there was a reason. I can’t believe that in all the time we have known each other—which, granted may only be months, not years—she hadn’t once mentioned she was a widow. Clark hadn’t told me either, but I’m guessing that’s because he felt it was Alyssa’s secret to tell. Well, not so much a secret, as a part of her life she just wasn’t ready to share yet.

I got up and went for a shower, my head full of Alyssa and what I would do now. How do I act at work? Will she speak to me? Will it be purely platonic? Will I be able to mask my heartbreak if so? I’m here if she wants to come back to me, I told her that before she left, but will she ever come back? I know she feels something for me, she said so herself and I can feel it in every touch, every kiss.

Standing under the stream from the shower in my en-suite wet room, I cast my mind back to the beautiful woman who sat before me this morning. I hadn’t known, couldn’t have prepared for what she said. But the shock I felt had to be masked externally as she told me her story. Inside however, was another story. Inside, my heart was breaking for her. Alyssa had come into my life, turned it upside-down, inside-out, and spun it completely on its axis. She had been a breath of fresh air after Katalina. When Alyssa first started working in our building, I had sensed she was a little broken, maybe because I was too. Maybe that was why I was drawn to her. But even though I could sense this internally, externally she was a vivacious woman with gorgeous long red hair, the very image of the type of feisty woman I was attracted to. I know that part of her isn’t a façade because even the best actress couldn’t pretend she was something she wasn’t 24/7.

I stood and let the water beat down on me, soothing the jagged edges. I had been broken before Alyssa came along and I won’t deny that part of the attraction was purely lust. In truth, there was some animalistic part of me that wanted to devour her. But as time went by, I wanted to know her as much for her mind as her body.

Drying myself off from my shower, I let my mind drift back to Katalina and how she broke my heart.

“I can’t bear the thought of hurting you, Chase, but I have to go, I’m so sorry.”

“How can you say you don’t want to hurt me, then turn around and do just that, Katalina? You know I love you, you know I would do anything for you. So please, just tell me what to do so we can work through this,” I begged.

“You can’t do anything, Chase. There isn’t anything you can say or do to change my mind. One day, you will look back and realise that what I did is for the best.”

Katalina continued to pack her bags and left room for little argument. I tried to reason with her, I tried everything I could think of but she was intent on ripping my heart out and trampling all over it. Did she really think that dumping me and running away to another country was for the best? She said she was doing it for love and one day I would understand. But how could you love someone and rip them to pieces at the same time?

I sat in the lounge, not wanting to see her pack. I didn’t want to know what she would take and which pieces of our life she would leave behind.

I pulled myself out of my memories as I distantly heard a doorbell ring. It rang again and I got out of my seat to answer the door. I hoped it was Alyssa, but who was I kidding?

“Hey!” Caine greeted.

“Hi, Caine,” I answered a little dejectedly.

“Oh, someone’s pleased I came by,” he joked as he walked by me and headed for the kitchen.

“Sorry, I was asleep.” I fake stretched and yawned.

“Oh, sorry for waking you,” he said as he helped himself to the coffee pot and put it on to boil.

“No problem. What’s going on with you?”

“Just popped by on the off-chance, really. Lexi has gone and changed her plans on me. We were meant to go out today, but she’s gone round to see Alyssa instead. She said she called sounding upset, so would I mind occupying myself for a change.”

I went to the cupboard and retrieved two cups for the coffee as the pot made a sound to indicate it was ready. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Would Alyssa tell Lexi about me? About us, or lack thereof?

What the hell was I thinking, how could I be so fucking selfish? Of course Alyssa would tell Lexi. She had left here broken-hearted, of course she wasn’t the only one feeling so low, but she’d need a friend to confide in.

“So you came to see me? How nice to know that my friend only wants me when his girlfriend isn’t out to play,” I joked, my voice sounding a little off. I hoped he wasn’t paying much attention. But then Caine hardly paid attention to something that wasn’t a girl.

“Don’t sound so pleased to see me.” He laughed as he put the pot on the counter.

I poured my coffee the headed into the lounge, Caine hot on my heels.

We both sat in the comfy armchairs in my lounge and Caine reached for the remote. I had no idea if there was any football on today, but I didn’t really care. I’d watch anything to take my mind off things for now.

***

Almost four hours had gone by since Caine had turned up. We’d watched a football match, though I honestly can’t remember who was playing, ordered a pizza, and drank beer. Usually I would have got dressed up and gone to a bar or something afterwards, but tonight, I just don’t feel like it. I told Caine I feel like I’m coming down with the man-flu or something. I feel bad for lying to the guy, but I just want to be alone.

I’ve tried to do some work from home, anything to take my mind off Alyssa running out on me the way she did, but I can’t concentrate on anything for long. My mind drifts to Alyssa’s naked body curled around mine as I lie here in bed trying to get to sleep. I close my eyes and I can see the way her body arches as I touch her. I can still taste her, no matter how many beers have passed my lips—though I seriously didn’t drink more than three.

Hair as soft as silk wrapped around my hand as I pull her head back and trail kisses down her neck and the mounds of her breasts. These are the mental images that comfort me as I slowly drift to sleep.

Chapter

Thirty-Two

Alyssa

I called a cab home from Chase’s house. I had just told him everything and he still cared about me. He didn’t look at me any differently, knowing I was a widow. I guess I expected to see pity in his eyes, but I didn’t, I just saw the love he has for me. But I also saw the hurt when I decided it was time to go. I didn’t want to run away, as such, I just needed to get my head together. I called Lexi from the cab and she said she would meet me at mine.

Lexi was only too happy to come and spend the afternoon with me. The fact she knew about me and Ethan helped, it meant I didn’t have to explain in as much detail as I had to Chase. I wasn’t sure I would have managed that twice in one day. I did, however, have to tell her the truth about Chase and me. She had sort of known, but I hadn’t told her to what extent we were involved. I hadn’t even really known myself until just recently. There was no escaping the fact that I was starting to feel something for him, but it wasn’t fair on my heart to expect it to forget about Ethan and move on. Initially it had been just sex between Chase and me, or at least I thought so. Then I had tried avoiding him, but that didn’t work because at my party, we ended up having sex again. The date he had taken me on had been fantastic, one of the best nights I had had in an awfully long time. It was probably the most fun I’d had since Ethan was alive. But what was happening to me?

Lexi thought that it was okay for me to start to heal and move on. Clark had said the same thing when I’d called him just before Lexi came over. They had both told me it was okay to look to a future without Ethan in it. My heart felt torn in two. Part of me knew what they said was true and part of me felt bad for letting someone else into my heart so soon.

Clark said he’d pop round after work with a DVD and a takeaway. We hadn’t done that the night before because of my date with Chase but he said that we hadn’t yet watched one of his favourite films, Guardians of the Galaxy, and it was about time we did. I’d agreed because I was willing to do anything to try and take my mind off my current predicament. Until my mind was ready to try and sort through the muddle, I would do anything to ease the pain inside my chest.

The film was really good. I laughed so much and it was a good distraction from reality, even if it was only for a couple of hours. Clark hadn’t mentioned Chase once and I was glad of that fact. He knew if I wanted to talk about it, I would. After he left, I got an early night. I didn’t want to sit awake stewing over the whole thing, so I showered and went to bed.

***

Sunday morning came and with it came glorious sunshine. I decided to relax and spend the day reading. My plans were disrupted however, by a phone call from Justine. She asked if the four of them could come and visit—her, Gage and their two boys Cadan and Phoenix. Of course I agreed. I hadn’t seen her in a while and I wanted to get back our friendship back on track. She’s been my best friend since we first met and it’s been truly horrible not being able to talk to her about everything. But with her being Ethan’s sister, she took it hard when she saw Chase and I kiss in the club, so I hadn’t told her anything else. Her opinion mattered to me, but I realised that it wasn’t helping me to move on. I was being torn in two and part of it was because of how much she meant to me.

They arrived early afternoon and Justine told me that they had already been on the way when she called. She had wanted to just turn up and surprise me, try to get things on an even keel, but Gage had told her to ring me, so she did.

“Gage, how lovely to see you,” I said, reaching out to hug him.

“You too, Lys, you look well,” he said as he gave me a peck on the cheek.

“I am. How are you guys doing?” I looked over at Justine, who was getting the boys out of the car.

“We’re good. May I say what a beautiful house this is,” he replied as he took in the sight of my new home.

“Hey girl!” Justine greeted as she pulled me in for her typical bear-hug.

“Hey yourself, I missed you.” I squeezed her back hard.

“Hey, Auntie Lyssa,” the kids greeted as they ran up and hugged me.

“Hey boys.” I ruffled their hair and they groaned, neither one of them liked their perfect hair being messed up. Being only four and six, they were very conscious of how they looked, which was funny and cute. I’ve always loved the two of them something fierce.

We went into the house and I gave them a tour. Gage was drawn to the Georgian feel of the place. Justine loved the way I had decorated, she always had a good eye for interior decorating. The boys wanted to know if I had games consoles and were both disappointed when I said no. I promised them I would sort something out for the next time they came to visit.

“Are you able to stay for a couple of days?” I asked as I put some coffee on.

“If it’s okay by you, we’d like that,” Justine said with a small smile.

“Do you have stuff with you?”

“Yeah, we packed enough to stay for a few days and we were just going to see if we could find a hotel or something when we got here. Oh by the way, Holly and Chelsea told me to say hello.”

“Oh how are they?” The girls worked in The Cob and Pen and I missed our nights there. It was where Ethan and I went on our first date, and it became our regular place to drink afterwards.

“They’re good. Still working hard.”

“Tell them I said hi when you go home. I miss them, the staff at The Mermaid Inn here are fantastic, but they aren’t Holly and Chelsea.”

“Do they do a good Sunday lunch?” Gage asked, his belly rumbled as if to emphasize his point.

“They sure do, let’s get going,” I said as I grabbed my coat and bag.

We all piled out of the door and into their seven-seater car. Justine drove to give Gage a break after his long drive here. We arrived at The Mermaid in no time and the boys raced to the door with huge grins on their faces. It was so good to see them, it had been too long. We sat at a table and looked over the menu while Gage went and got a round of drinks in. There was nowhere for the kids to play, but they did have some colouring books and crayons, which were brought to the table by Parker.

“Thanks, Parker.”

“No worries, Alyssa. If you guys need anything else, just ask. I’ll leave you to decide what you’re eating, when you’re ready just give me a shout.”

“Is Em not working today?”

“She’s in the kitchen, our chef called in sick. I offered to help but she said I could burn beans on toast so I’m not allowed anywhere near the kitchen today.” He laughed and I couldn’t help but join in. Parker and Emily-Rose were a great couple and both had things they were good and not so good at. Parker was great with his hands when it came to building and renovations, but not with food.

“Sorry, Parker, where are my manners? This is my best friend Justine, her husband Gage, and their sons, Cadan and Phoenix.”

“Good to meet you all,” he said as he shook hands with Gage.

The boys said a quick hi and went back to their colouring books.

Parker went back to mind the bar and we decided what to eat. Gage went and ordered, refusing to let me pay.

We had a great lunch and a couple of drinks afterwards, then headed back to mine. Justine and I unpacked their stuff from the car.

“So, what’s new?” she asked as we unpacked the boys’ suitcase.

“Nothing much,” I responded quietly.

“Lys, I want you to know how sorry I am,” she said as she grabbed my hand in hers. We sat on the bed with our hands entwined. A tear rolled down her cheek and I wiped it away with the pad of my thumb.

“Please don’t cry, honey. You’re my best friend and nothing will ever change that. We had a bit of a row, so what? All friends fight from time to time. I love you and I always will. You’re my sister-in-law, Ethan might be gone, but that doesn’t stop you and the boys being my family. Okay?”

“Okay,” she whispered as more tears fell from her beautiful blue eyes.

I took her into my arms and whispered soothing words as she cried into my sweater. Once the tears slowed, I grabbed the tissue box from the side of the bed and offered it to her. She took one and blew her nose.

“There’s something you need to see, Lys. Something important.”

I didn’t have a clue what she could be talking about until she pulled me into the guest room she and Gage were staying in. She walked to her suitcase on the bed and retrieved a leather-bound book. Handing it to me, she began to cry again.

“I’ve been so selfish, Lys. I can only hope you’ll forgive me. This book, well, it was Ethan’s. After you and I fought, I went home and talked to Gage. Then I went to the attic where I keep a box of Ethan’s things, I wanted to feel close to him. That was when I stumbled across this book. At first I didn’t know what it was, but reading the first page it soon became apparent.”

I took the book from her and sat on the edge of the bed. I wasn’t sure I wanted to see what was inside. I knew Ethan’s beautiful handwriting would bring tears to my eyes no matter what it actually said. I opened it to where the ribbon lay, it seemed to be the last entry he wrote judging by the empty pages after it. I began to read;

Dear Diary,

I am writing this entry before my hands are too far gone to hold a pen anymore—it seems that the ALS is taking hold faster than anyone would have thought—the doctors are doing all they can, they’ve prescribed me Riluzole, but it seems unlikely that it will help much. I seem to have skipped from the early to middle stages of the disease faster than my doctors had hoped.

I want to get my thoughts on paper before I am no longer able. I have something on my mind that I feel uncomfortable discussing with anyone. My family are all there to support me, Lys most of all. Lys is by my side every single day—she took a leave of absence from work on special dispensation and thankfully her bosses are very understanding—she takes care of my every need. But even with all my family around me, sometimes I feel so frustrated. They do everything for me, the things I can no longer do and it is that which frustrates me. I wish I was able to do things for myself. I seem to spend my days angry at my own body for not co-operating.

Anyway, the whole reason I am writing this entry is because of Lys. I love her more than mere words can express and I hate seeing the pain she is going through. She tries to hide behind her beautiful smile, but the smile never truly reaches her eyes anymore. Her blue-green eyes that remind me of the most beautiful ocean never shine anymore unless it’s with unshed tears. I’m tired of hurting her, of being a burden to her. I want to see her laugh like she used to, not just turn away to cry so I don’t see the tears. But what can I do? Alyssa Young is the most wonderful woman in the whole world and she means everything to me. That’s why I want her to find love after I am gone. If I told her that, she’d hit the roof, but that doesn’t make it any less true. This woman deserves to be truly loved for the rest of her life and that is something I can no longer give her. I’m going to die, I can’t change that fact, it’s inevitable that the ALS will eventually take me over.

The day we took our wedding vows, I was the happiest man alive. I wanted to be by Lys’s side for the rest of our lives, to have children, a home with a white picket fence, the whole dream. But sometimes life is cruel. I have to live the hand that fate has dealt me. I have to accept that I won’t live to old age, I don’t want to have children in case I pass the disease on—I know that only ten per cent of cases are what’s known as “familial ALS” but I can’t take that risk—I can’t ask Lys to watch our child suffer and die.

When we got together, I was so happy. Alyssa was the woman I wanted to share my life with. She looked breath-taking in her custom Pnina Tornai dress, a dress she had desired for so long that I bought it for her. She shone like the brightest star in the sky and just recently, that light has become burned out. The moment we said our vows and the minister pronounced us husband and wife was the best moment of my entire life. I knew there and then that I had made the best decision, asking Lys to marry me. We walked out of the church hand in hand, on the path to the rest of our lives. I didn’t know then that “the rest of my life” wouldn’t be more than a few years.

Knowing what I know now, I want to make a wish—a wish that Lys meet someone new in the future when I am gone. I want her to have the life we imagined together. I want her to be loved by someone until the day she dies. She deserves to meet someone who can give her everything she could ever need and more. I know she’ll find it hard when I am gone, that’s to be expected, but she needs to move on. It’s obvious she’ll go through the stages of grief but that shouldn’t stop her from finding love one day. I want someone to love her the way I do. It will happen when she least expects it—one day, she’ll meet a man that will look at her the way I do. He’ll see her for the amazing woman she is and he will go to the ends of the Earth to make her his. I just don’t want her to screw it up by being stuck in the past. She’s told me that once I am gone, she will never love again, but I don’t want that to be true.

I am sitting here with tears in my eyes, wishing as hard as I can that Lys will know when it’s time to move on and that she will do exactly that. Please, if there is a God, I pray that my wife is able to live a long, fulfilling life. That means she needs to find someone new, marry him, have children with him and enjoy every day as if it were her last. If there is one thing I have learned recently, it is that life is too short to just sit around mourning her loss. I need her to realise that too. So please, give her a helping hand, guide her in the direction of the acceptance of my loss and the ability to do what she must—grant her the serenity to accept that which she cannot change, and the courage to move forward in her life.

Alyssa, if you ever read this, I beg this of you, move on. My last wish in this life is for you to just accept change. One day, a man will walk into your life and you will rebuff him, I know that, but I want you to know that I give you my blessing to remarry and have the life I wanted to give you. The right man will come along and when he does, you will know that it’s okay to love again. I know you’ll find it hard, but it’s something I want you to do.

I am tired, so very tired. The ALS is taking its toll and I know that I haven’t got long left on this Earth. Alyssa is doing everything she can to make life as comfortable as possible and I couldn’t love her any more than I do in this moment. She helps me do the things I can no longer do and whilst I am grateful for that, I am also angry at myself, at my body, for not being able to do the little things for myself. I can only hope that one day after I am gone, someone will be there to take care of Lys the way she is taking care of me. If she is ill, he will nurse her back to health. If she is sad, he will make her laugh. If she is happy, he will be happy too. He deserves to see the light come back into her eyes. He will love her, cherish her, protect her from harm and never let her down. She will make someone very happy. Her laugh is infectious, her whole attitude towards life is beyond amazing. She makes every day worth living for.

I must end this entry here, I am beyond exhausted, but I hope to be able to write again before I lose the ability.

Ethan.

I cried more or less from the first sentence and didn’t stop long after I had finished reading. These were Ethan’s last thoughts, his last wishes for me. How could this be how he felt? He was thinking about my life beyond him and I couldn’t comprehend it. Justine handed me some tissues and I dried my eyes, sitting there with my head in my hands, refusing to meet her gaze.

“This is why I’m here, Lys. I was wrong before. Reading this showed me just how much.”

I couldn’t form a response. What words were there to say? My husband wanted me to find someone else. He wanted me to be given all the things we wanted but never had the time to achieve. We had really wanted children, but wanted to have stable careers and a nice house first. After finding a nice house and suitable jobs, we had begun trying for children, though we didn’t tell anyone. Then Ethan was diagnosed with ALS and he refused to try anymore. He knew there was only a small chance of them getting ‘familial ALS’ but he said he wouldn’t take the risk. So children weren’t in our future. But I accepted that and made my peace with it because Ethan was my life.

“Lys, please, say something. I don’t care what you say or if you shout or scream, just say something,” Justine urged.

“I…can’t.”

“You can’t shut yourself off, honey, please. I’m here for you, you know that. I thought it was only fair to let you read this for yourself.”

Unable to say anything, I wrapped my arms around myself and sat quietly rocking back and forth. After a while, Justine left me alone and went downstairs to the boys. I left the diary on the bed and went to my bedroom. I locked the door and went to my en-suite to start the water running for a shower. I undressed and stood under the scalding hot water, hoping that it would make me feel something except this emptiness and sadness inside.

Making my way downstairs a short while later, I heard the boys’ laughter ring through the hall and was hit with a pang of envy. I had badly wanted a family of our own but Ethan was gone too soon. I felt robbed. Not only had I lost my husband, I had lost my chance to have a family.

I went into the lounge where the boys were playing and Justine sat on the couch with Gage, looking on as their boys’ laughter filled the room. I felt a small smile touch my face as I watched the brothers playing with the toys they had brought with them. This was my family now. Since Ethan was gone, the last ties I had to him were his sister, brother-in-law, and nephews. I didn’t see his parents much after his death, they had retreated into themselves the same way I did, then I left Fareham and I hadn’t seen them since.

“Anyone want a coffee?” I asked, startling Justine from where she had been resting.

“Sure, I’ll get it, you come and sit down,” she replied as she got to her feet.

I followed her into the kitchen.

“I’m sorry about before. I just needed time to form a coherent thought,” I confessed as I watched her put the pot on to boil.

“Don’t be sorry, sweetie, I understand. We’re here for another couple of days, and if you’re ready before we go, then you and me can sit and have a chat. If not, you know my number and you can ring me anytime.”

“Thanks, Phylis.”

She smiled at my old nickname for her and instantly I felt somewhat better, like a weight had been lifted. We had fallen out but now we were on even ground again. We walked into the lounge, coffees in hand, and settled down to watch some mindless television. I was glad that Justine knew me so well and didn’t want to push conversation about Ethan’s diary or anything related to him and the past.

***

Over the next couple of days, I went into work while Justine and the boys stayed at mine or went sight-seeing, not that there was all that much to see. Chase wasn’t at work and though part of me wanted to call him to see if he was okay, I knew I wasn’t ready to talk to him yet. Justine and I had talked in the evenings when I returned home and she was helping me to see that Ethan was right and I needed to move on. I found myself confessing to everything between Chase and me. Having been prepared for her to jump on me for my lies last time she was here, I was surprised when she said she thought there was more to it than I had let on. She said that was one of the reasons she had left, the fact that she felt I wasn’t telling her the whole truth. I apologised for lying and she understood that I hadn’t been ready to tell her everything.

Wednesday morning came and still I didn’t see Chase’s car in the car park. At lunch, I asked Lexi if she had seen him. She said she hadn’t and she had extra work to do because he had booked the entire week off. She said she wasn’t privy to the reason why he was off, all she knew was that he wouldn’t be back until the following Monday. I lost myself in my work and then went home to spend my last evening with Justine and the boys, knowing they were leaving early the next morning.

***

“So he wasn’t in all day Monday, Tuesday, or today?” Justine asked as I set about making something for dinner.

“Nope, and he’s not due back in until Monday,” I said, feeling disheartened.

“You have to talk to him before then, Lys. I know I was against it in the beginning, but reading Ethan’s diary made me question my motives. I wasn’t being the best friend I could be, because I wasn’t supporting you in your choice. I sat with Gage and talked it over and he told me that it wasn’t about my grief and that you weren’t going to forget about Ethan, you just want to be happy. I’m sorry I was such a crappy friend, I want to put this right,” she said as she picked up my phone from where it rested on the side in the kitchen.

“What are you doing with that?” I asked, trying to grab it back. She evaded my every attempt and then walked out of the room. I followed after her but she moved quicker than I did and locked herself in the bathroom. No amount of banging on the door was making her open it.

Ten minutes later, she joined me in the kitchen.

“Whatever you’re making for dinner, it’s going to have to wait. You have plans,” she said as she started putting things away.

“What? My only plans are to spend your last night here with you.” I huffed and started taking things back out of the fridge.

Justine went round and put everything back, and no amount of arguing was getting her to do as I wanted.

“What the hell is going on, Phylis?”

“Just go and take a shower, then dress in something like your butt-hugging jeans and a cute t-shirt. I refuse to tell you what’s going on but we,” she indicated the two of us, “are going out.”

There was no point arguing with her when she was like this. The look on her face brooked no argument. I went upstairs and got in the shower. Wondering where we were going, I didn’t know what to wear or whether to bother with makeup. But if we were going out for drinks to say goodbye, then I guessed I should get made-up.

Drying myself from the shower, I went to my closet and found the jeans that Justine had instructed me to wear. I looked at my rack of t-shirts and blouses and selected a t-shirt with a quote from John Green’s book The Fault in Our Stars. I found my favourite black Converse and my leather jacket. They were two staples of a night out, unless the night called for a little black dress, of course. I sat at my dresser and dried my hair. I pinned it away from my face and put on my makeup, not that I ever wear a lot of it, I like it to look as natural as possible. As I was about to straighten my hair, Justine barrelled into the room and took the straighteners from me and grabbed my curling tongs instead.

“Are you still not telling me where we’re going?” I asked as she began to loosely curl my hair. “You don’t even know anyplace around here.”

“No, that’s why I called Clark. I told him I wanted to have some fun on my last night here and he told me the best place was that club we went to after bowling.”

“I can’t go to Club Scarlett like this!” I indicated my choice of clothing.

“Why not? You’re not on the pull, are you?” She winked in the mirror at me.

“No, but…”

“No buts, you look great,” she butted in.

“Fine.” I sighed and let her get on with styling my hair.

Twenty minutes later, I was set to go and Justine went to get ready. She came out of the spare room dressed in skinny jeans and a purple chiffon blouse. She looked gorgeous, as always.

“Call us a cab, hun, we’re not driving.”

“But what about dinner? And what about the boys?” I asked as I reached for the house phone.

“We can grab something while we’re out and Gage has the number for a takeaway for him and the boys.”

I guessed she wanted to cheer me up on her last night here, so I went with the flow. I called a cab and we waited for it to arrive. I kissed the boys goodnight, knowing we wouldn’t be back by their bedtime.

Chapter

Thirty-Three

We arrived at Club Scarlett and I was doing my best to act more cheerful than I’d felt all day. The cloakroom attendant took our jackets and we made our way to the bar.

“What can I get for you two beautiful ladies?” the barman asked.

“Two cosmopolitans, please,” Justine answered before I had chance to open my mouth.

Drinks in hand, we went to find somewhere to sit. The last time I had been here was the night she caught me kissing Chase. I didn’t exactly feel comfortable about being back, but tried to hide my discomfort for her sake.

Justine was in the mood for dancing so I was glad to have worn my Converse for comfort sake. The DJ wasn’t playing the sort of music I particularly liked, it was all Katy Perry and Taylor Swift, that kind of stuff. Then a tune came on that I loved, “Earned It” by The Weeknd. I felt arms envelope me and assumed it was Justine, as I couldn’t see her in front of me. Without turning round, knowing no stranger would touch me without getting their ass kicked by Justine, I let the rhythm of the song take me and I swayed in her arms, my eyes closed and my body moving in time with hers. I put my head back on her shoulder and opened my eyes. Her smile shone down at me and I was glad she was letting her hair down and having some fun.

The opening bars of “All of Me” by John Legend came over the speakers and I felt Justine’s arms loosen momentarily then she put them back round me and pulled me close. Turning me to face her, I opened my eyes again. Only it wasn’t Justine’s eyes that stared hard into mine. Those green eyes belonged to the last person I expected to see here tonight. He pulled me close and moved me to the slow rhythm of the song. I tried to speak, but he put his finger to my lips before laying his hand at the base of my spine. We swayed in the middle of the dance floor, and though I was a little confused, I couldn’t hide that it made me happy to be in his arms. I looked over his shoulder and saw Justine with a mega-watt grin on her face before she disappeared into the mass of dancers on the floor.

As the song ended, Chase took my hand in his and led me back to the booth Justine and I were sitting in. I was surprised to see Clark and Jenny there with Lexi and Caine too. I knew Justine was behind it and I couldn’t help but smile at my friend’s thoughtfulness. She was gently nudging me in Chase’s direction and for that, I was glad.

The seven of us sat and chatted. Chase was next to me and his thigh kept brushing against mine. I wasn’t sure where we would go from here, but he was here with me and I didn’t intend to let him go. Somewhere, somehow I had realised that although the words remained unspoken, the feelings in my heart for him were real. I didn’t have to let Ethan go fully, instead there was room in my heart for them both. I would always love Ethan, but I couldn’t keep living in the past. I needed to look to the future and hopefully that future involved Chase, if he would still have me.

***

As it was a work night, we decided to leave the club around ten. Everyone went their separate ways and soon it was just me, Justine, and Chase. You couldn’t miss the smile on her face as she looked at the two of us. Chase looked unsure what to do with himself; he fidgeted on the spot, hands in his pockets. He looked rather adorable. And handsome. He was dressed in a pair of jeans and a plaid shirt, but he still looked every inch the GQ cover model.

Our cab arrived and Justine gave me a funny look as she got in. I was just about to say goodbye to Chase when she shut the door.

“What are you doing, Phylis? Very funny. Ha. Ha.”

She mimed being unable to hear me and though I tried my best to open the door, she wasn’t budging, meaning I had to walk around the other side. As I walked round the back of the cab, he suddenly pulled off and all I saw was Justine smiling and waving goodbye. I was about to call another cab when I got a text.

Justine: Sorry, didn’t I tell you, you are going back with Chase tonight.

I read and re-read the text to be sure I had got it right. She expected me to go back with Chase? Well, that wasn’t happening. This was her and the boys’ last night here and I wasn’t letting them spend it at mine without me there.

I tapped out furiously.

Alyssa: Funny. I’m getting another cab and coming home. See you shortly

Justine: Nope. Not happening missy. Do as Phylis tells you. I’ve already spoken to Chase about it.

I read that last part out loud and he just looked at me, feigning innocence. I tapped out her number and waited for her to answer the phone.

“Lys, I’ve told you once, I won’t tell you again. Chase promised to have you back by morning so you can come and say goodbye,”

“Morning? What the fuck…?” Chase took the phone from my hand and hung up before I could say anything else.

“What the hell, Chase? What do you think you’re doing?” I stomped my feet like a toddler.

“I’m taking you home with me, the cab is on its way,” he replied with a smirk. That dimple had me nearly melt into a puddle there and then.

“I can’t, Chase. It’s Justine and the boys’ last night here.” I tried to grab my phone back but he slipped it into his pocket.

“It’s Justine’s plan. She’s good with me dropping you home in the morning before they leave.”

I wanted to throw a tantrum worthy of any two year old being told no. It didn’t seem I had much choice, but I am the kind of person who likes to be in charge of her own decisions and this one being made for me was all the more infuriating. Though I couldn’t really complain if it meant spending the night with Chase. I waited until our cab pulled up, got in, and slammed the door hard, making it known that I was not happy.

“Lys, calm down for goodness sake. Chill out,” Chase said, snaking an arm around me.

I sat in my seat and refused to snuggle into his side, even though I really wanted to. If he wanted me to give in, he was in for a challenge.

We arrived at Chase’s house not long later. He paid the driver and took me by the hand, leading me towards the front door. I was dragging my heels and still being as stubborn as possible, even though the longer I spent in his company, the more I wanted to cave.

Chase let us in and headed for the kitchen. There he opened a bottle of wine, Echo Falls Summer Berries, which happened to be one of mine and Justine’s favourites. I’d never been much of a wine drinker, usually opting for a beer instead, but she’d got me drinking this gorgeous rose when it came out.

I sat at the kitchen island as he poured two large glasses. He put mine down in front of me with a grin. That bloody dimple in his cheek would be the death of me. It had me wanting to reach over and kiss it. I restrained myself from showing any signs of wanting to be there. I took my wine and headed for the lounge.

“I want you to know I’m here against my will,” I said as I sipped my wine and sat in his favourite armchair.

“You know where the door is, Lys, you can leave anytime you like, but I should warn you, Justine said she was making sure to lock your door tonight to prevent you from going home,” he said as he sat on his corner suite, looking at me with a triumphant grin—some may even be tempted to call it his shit-eating grin.

“I should have known she was up to something when she told me to get ready to go out,” I pouted.

“Hindsight is great, but how about instead of thinking about that, you think about why she wants you to be here.”

“Because she’s a meddling cow?” I mused, taking a long gulp of my wine.

“Now now, is that any way to talk about your best friend?”

“Yes, it is. I’m telling the truth. She loves to meddle!”

“She wants you to be happy.”

“She may want me to be happy, but how does she know what’s best for me? Isn’t that up to me?”

I was keeping up the act of sulking, but I was also wondering why Justine had set this up. Not so long ago, she had been vehemently against the idea of me moving on. But now here she was forcing us together. Admittedly, I was hardly struggling against being with Chase, but it would be nice to be able to do things on my own terms. However, if she’d left me to my own devices, I probably wouldn’t have got round to it for a lot longer. So in a way I should be thanking her. Not that I’d be letting her know that right away.

“So why am I here exactly?” I asked, draining my glass in one gulp.

“To deplete my reserves of wine by the looks of it.” Chase chuckled as he got up and went to retrieve the bottle.

“I’m serious,” I said as he entered the room and topped up my glass.

“She wanted us to have a talk. She thinks we have unresolved things to talk over.”

“Like what?” I huffed, crossing my arms.

“Well, I don’t know what you have to say to me, so I’ll go first if you like?”

“Fine by me. Is there somewhere I can go for a cigarette?”

“Sure, let’s go to the veranda. We can talk there just as easily, you won’t escape it, you know.”

“I wasn’t expecting to, I just want a cigarette.”

He took my hand and pulled me from the chair. He didn’t let go as he led me to the veranda. I looked out at his back garden and then up at the night sky. It was so clear and beautiful. I closed my eyes as the cool breeze played with my hair. I pulled out my cigarettes and lit one. Chase did the same.

“So, you wanted to go first. What is it you need to say to me?”

I walked over to the wicker furniture he had set out on the veranda and sat down. Chase followed, an ashtray in hand. He cleared his throat and played with the collar of his shirt. He was nervous, but I didn’t know why. He’d already told me he loved me, what could make him more nervous than that?

“Well…Umm…It’s kind of a long story, but in a nutshell, I am divorced. Have been for three years. She had a miscarriage and it forced a wedge between us. I still loved her dearly, but she couldn’t accept what had happened and wanted to move away and start afresh. I didn’t want to move and so she moved away alone.”

I could see the pain in his eyes as he spoke. Clearly this wasn’t easy for him to talk about.

“I’m so sorry, Chase. I had no idea.”

“Don’t be sorry. I don’t get close to people, never tell them the truth about my past. But you’re different, I want to tell you. I don’t want to have any secrets from you. You know I love you, and if we stand any chance of a future, you need to know that there are no skeletons in my closet. Katalina and I weren’t meant to be, but I understand now that it was because you were meant to come into my life and show me what real love felt like.”

I didn’t know what to say. How do you comfort someone when you have no idea of the pain they must be feeling? Chase stubbed out one cigarette, only to go and light another. He took a large swig from his glass and cleared his throat.

“Alyssa, I don’t want your pity. I can see it in your eyes, but honestly, I don’t need it. We weren’t the happiest couple in the world before the miscarriage, it was just the last straw for us, well, it was for her, anyway. I tried to get her to stay but she needed to get away and I needed to stay here. I have a good job and I’m happy here, where Parker and Emily-Rose are. My family mean the world to me. Katalina was a wonderful woman. Passionate, fiery, fiercely independent. But we weren’t meant to be. She was free-spirited and didn’t like to be tied to one place for too long. Brockwood held no appeal for her. We’d split up before the miscarriage. It was a trial separation, then she found out she was pregnant and we got back together for the sake of the baby. But then she miscarried only a few short weeks later and then she realised she didn’t want the same as I did anymore. She knew she had to leave to get herself sorted. And that’s what she did. She’s married to someone else now and they just had a baby.”

“Oh.”

I didn’t know what to say, so I took his hand in mine. He looked into my eyes and held my gaze for a few moments before stubbing out his cigarette and downing the last of his wine.

“I don’t expect you to know what to say. You don’t have to say anything. I’m perfectly okay with her having moved on. I wasn’t at first, but I got over it. I was happy being single until you came along. You were like a breath of fresh air. You opened my mind to the possibility of dating again and then before I knew what was happening, I was in love with you.”

Not knowing what to say, I got up and sat next to him. I put my arm around him and let him lean back into my embrace.

“I’m so sorry that happened to you, Chase,” I whispered.

“So neither of us have skeletons in the closet now. I know about Ethan and you know about Katalina.”

“We have a clean slate, a chance to make each other happy. We can move slowly, take baby steps,” I said as a stray tear slid down my face.

Chapter

Thirty-Four

Chase

“Are you saying you’ll give us a chance?” I asked as she held me.

“Yes, Chase. I was scared at first, but if you’ll let me, I’ll make up for that.”

“There’s nothing to make up for. Like you said, we have a clean slate now.”

I can’t believe what I’m hearing. This amazing woman wants me the way I want her. I turn in her embrace and place a chaste kiss on her lips. She claims my lips with hers and her tongue seeks entrance to my mouth, something I am only too willing to grant. The kiss is sweet, I can taste the wine on her breath. There’s something so enticing about this goddess in my arms. If she’ll have me, I want to make her mine forever. No matter what our pasts hold, we have a chance of a future. We have a chance to make each other happy and there’s nothing I want more.

Breaking the kiss, Alyssa pulls away and looks into my eyes. I can still see a trace of pity, but the one thing that overrides that is lust. I’m getting hard just thinking about her naked in my bed. I don’t want to push things with her, but as she claims my lips again, my cock starts twitching, telling me to make her mine. Coming up for air, I breathe in deeply and the air I inhale is a mixture of the cool evening breeze and her perfume. I am entranced. Before I can chicken out, I take her hand and stand from the wicker love seat. I feel no resistance from her as I lead her back into the house and up the staircase.

Entering my bedroom seems to flick a switch in us both as we frantically start to take each other’s clothes off. Once I am just in my boxers, and Alyssa wears only her panties and bra, I take her in my arms and kiss her. Her kiss ignites a fire within me and I lead her over to the bed. I lay her down and place feather-light kisses in a trail from her mouth, down her neck and to the mounds of her beautiful breasts. I kiss each in turn and nip each between my teeth as I hear her groan. That is a sound I treasure. Kissing down to her stomach, I feel the goose bumps break out across her creamy skin. I feel her hand in the back of my hair and I close my eyes. Every moment spent with her is to be cherished, burned into my memory. If there’s no tomorrow, I want to prove to her today how much she means to me. I will spend every day making sure she knows just how loved she is.

I want to taste Alyssa, something it seems I haven’t done in a while. I remember how good she tastes, but still, the real thing is better than a memory. So I begin by tracing her clit with my tongue, eliciting little gasps from her. Slowly my tongue moves to her sweet little pussy. She cries out into the night as my tongue delves inside her and her grip on my hair tightens. I slide a finger inside her in place of my tongue, as I kiss my way back up her divine body. She is warm and oh so wet as I feel her clench around me. I have told this woman I love her, but this is more than love. I crave her like a flower needs the sun and rain. I am a better man just for knowing her. She’s the closest thing to heaven that I can imagine.

Claiming her lips with mine, she kisses me back passionately. One hand traces my spine as the other remains in my hair.

“Take me, Chase, claim me. I’m here, I’m yours and I’m waiting,” she whispers across my skin, causing the hairs on the back of my neck to stand on end.

I’ll be damned if I don’t do as the lady asks, so I position myself over her and lean down to kiss her as I slide myself inside her. She moans loudly as I bury myself deeper. I lower myself over her body and begin to find a rhythm that has us both panting and gasping for air. She rakes her nails down my spine, causing me to groan into her mouth as I kiss her once more. She wraps her legs around my waist and her feet dig into my ass, forcing me closer to her, deeper inside her. As I love this goddess with my heart, mind, and body, she looks up at me through hooded eyes, a raw need shining in them. I give in to her silent demands. She feels incredible, matching my rhythm with her hips, grinding herself against me. I’m ready to explode and I can see she knows it. She nods almost imperceptibly, giving me a silent permission. I work her harder and up the pace, she’s frantically clawing at my back and my ass as I come inside her. Thoroughly sated, I feel her own release around me and I smile down at her before kissing her with all the pent-up emotion I have carried with me for the last few days that I haven’t been at work, haven’t seen her beautiful face.

As I lie beside her, Alyssa runs her hand over my chest. She snuggles into the crook of my arm and before long we drift off to sleep, wrapped up in each other. Somehow we were two people, but we’ve now become one.

Chapter

Thirty-Five

Alyssa

I woke the next morning wrapped in Chase’s arms. I looked at him, his face relaxed in sleep. I traced the contours of his face with my fingers. He really was strikingly handsome. The previous night, he had looked so sad as he spoke of Katalina, that wasn’t a look I wanted to see on him again. I knew there and then that I would do anything to make him happy.

As my fingers traced his perfect torso, he woke with a smile on his face.

“Good morning, beautiful,” he said, his voice a little rough.

“Good morning,” I replied as I leaned in to kiss him.

He lay me on my back as he rose above me and deepened the kiss. I could feel the warmth pool in my abdomen, but I didn’t have time to act on it. Justine would be leaving soon and I needed to get home to say goodbye, and also thank her for pushing us together. If it wasn’t for her, my heart wouldn’t feel so light this morning. My smile began on the inside.

“We’d better get you back home.” Chase read my mind.

“I guess so. I know what I’d rather be doing,” I teased as I ran my nails lightly down his spine.

He shivered under my touch and leaned in to kiss me again. He captured my lips and his tongue entered my mouth. He stole my breath as I pulled him closer to me, wanting to feel every inch of him against me. He kissed my neck and I realised that warmth I was feeling wouldn’t go away until we did something about it.

***

An hour or so later, we had showered together after making love. Chase had worshipped every inch of me, slowly. We were ready to go back to my place to see Justine and the boys off. I left my hair to dry naturally as we made the short journey from Chase’s place to mine.

Justine was just loading the dishwasher with breakfast dishes when we arrived.

“Good morning, lovebirds,” she greeted as she walked across the kitchen to embrace me.

“Good morning, Justine, morning, boys. You all packed up and ready to leave Auntie Lys?” I asked as I ruffled the boys’ hair and they moaned at me for doing it.

“We were waiting to say goodbye, Auntie Lys,” Phoenix said as he stood and hugged me.

“Well, I’m sure glad you did. I wouldn’t want you going before I had time to hug you and tell you how much I love you boys.”

Cadan stood and hugged me.

“We love you too, Auntie Lys, lots and lots,” he said as I held onto them both tightly.

“Did the two of you manage to sort things out?” Justine enquired.

“We did.” I smiled brightly and reached to hug her.

“Thank goodness for that!” she said and pretended to wipe her brow.

“And it’s all thanks to you,” Chase said.

“I aim to please.” Justine looked at him and I realised that she had a genuine smile on her face. I didn’t know exactly how her mind had been changed, yes, there was Ethan’s diary, but it was like a switch had been flicked and she was genuinely happy to see me love and be loved.

After a coffee together, Justine and the boys had to hit the road for home. I was sad to see them go. It may have been my choice to move away, but that didn’t mean I had wanted to lose them in doing so. I was so glad to know that I hadn’t lost them and that they would be back in the school holidays to visit. Justine promised to visit every chance they got.

The two of us stood at the bottom of my driveway, waving them off. A tear rolled down my cheek and Chase wiped it away with the pad of his thumb.

Epilogue

2 months later

If someone had told me a year ago that I would be in this position, I would have said they were mad. I wasn’t going to forget Ethan in such a hurry. But what I have come to realise lately is that I will never forget about Ethan, even if I am in love with someone else.

Today, Chase is taking me to a tattoo parlour to get a tattoo in memory of Ethan. I looked at several options, but the one I chose was perfect. I knew it the moment I saw it. I don’t have any other tattoos, I have always been a little scared of needles. But for Ethan, I would do this, to honour him. I showed Chase and he agreed it was the perfect thing to get.

We drive to the tattooist and I am inevitably a little scared. We get there and a bulky guy with a shaved head looks up from the tattoo he is currently working on.

“Alyssa?” he asks.

“Yes.”

“Go on through.” He nods his head in the direction of a little doorway.

Chase holds my hand as we walk towards the door. I knock lightly and a female voice calls out for me to enter. We go in and a petite, pretty brunette woman greets us.

“Alyssa, welcome to Inkredible. I’m Hana,” she says as she holds out her hand.

I shake her hand and introduce her to Chase. She shakes his hand and nods for him to take a seat.

“Now then, do you have the picture of what you’d like?” Hana asks with a smile.

I hand her the piece of paper I printed out this morning.

Hana pats the bed in front of her and tells me to sit down and lift up my top. When I spoke to her on the phone to book the appointment, I had told her I wanted it on my ribcage under my left breast, that way, it wouldn’t be too far from my heart. She makes quick work of tracing over my picture to make the stencil to put on my skin. Then she places that stencil on my skin and gives me a mirror to make sure I’m happy with the positioning. I smile and tell her it looks perfect.

I lie down on the bed and I hear the sound of the tattoo gun vibrating. Instead of scaring me like I thought it would, I just feel excited. As the needle moves over my skin, I feel exhilarated.

After Hana is done, I stand and check my reflection. I just love my new ink. My first, but maybe not my last.

“It looks stunning,” Chase says as he takes a look.

“It really does,” I reply as Hana wraps it for me. She gives me a card with aftercare instructions and I pay her.

“Thank you, Hana. It’s amazing. Maybe I’ll see you again.”

“You’re most welcome, honey,” she replies as she holds the door open for us.

We leave the tattoo parlour and I have a smile that stretches from ear to ear. For the first time in a long time, I feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I know Ethan is looking down on me and smiling. He will always watch over me. I will never stop loving him, but there’s room in my heart for both Ethan and Chase. I have stopped building a wall around my heart and started to allow love in.

Before now, I was scared of loving someone new, but I was also scared of a life spent alone. In this moment, I am ready to feel. I’m not afraid anymore. I am finally ready to love again.

~The End~

Acknowledgements

There are so many people to thank that I don’t know where to start, I could be here all day. I want to thank my son for being so patient with me when I needed to write, for understanding me and being proud of me, but most of all for loving me. My darling Calum, you are my heart and soul and I am so proud to be your mom. You are my sun, my stars, my moon and I will always love you.

Thank you to my Nan for being there to listen to me and encourage me to shoot for the stars.

Thank you to Justine McFadyen for a) BETA reading RTLA, b) for allowing me to name a character after you and c) for letting me use my nickname for you. I heart you, Phylis! <3

Thank you to Vikki Love from Vixen Living Vicariously for BETA reading RTLA. Because you loved the characters, for the feedback on my sex scenes and for not being afraid to tell me how this story really made you feel.

If I could sit here and thank every individual that makes writing worthwhile, I would, but I can’t. What I can do is give a shout-out to some of the people I love the most. Karen Rock—author extraordinaire and uber-awesome person/ Wonder Woman. You are incredible and I strive to be a better person, a better author and story teller because of you. Mich Feeney, thank you for your encouragement. You knew when I needed a nudge and you knew just when to shut up ;) Kelly Hashway—uber-author, super-sweet, amazing lady; thank you for always being my friend. For having my back and encouraging me to dream big. Steph Phillips, Victoria Brock, Hemmie Martin, Nicola Priest; thank you girls for listening to me and providing me with the advice I so needed. Julie Pamplin, my awesome auntie; I love you and I am always humbled by your support.

To anyone I haven’t mentioned by name, know that it is not because I love you less, your support means the world to me. But if I typed all your names, my acknowledgements section would be as long as my book!

I do need to say a special thank you to the kind folks at The Cob and Pen in Fareham. Holly Hunter, thank you and your Dad for letting me put your fine pub in my book. Thank you also to Chelsea for letting me name her as a barmaid. I am honoured that I get to mention you guys!

Thank you to the amazing team at Limitless Publishing. As always, you guys rock! I wouldn’t have three published books to my name without you guys, so a HUGE thank you to you all.

To the cover designer for making my book come to life. Thank you!

Thank you also to Lady Antebellum who don’t know it but they inspired this book!

Lastly, but by no means least, thank you to YOU the reader. Your support means everything to me. It always has and it always will. As long as you believe in me, I will continue to write.

Keren xo

About the Author

Keren lives in the UK and is an avid bookworm. She fondly remembers the days where she would lie in her bedroom away from distraction and get lost in the world of make believe. Her first real memory of reading something she fell in love with was The Hobbit. In her teenage years, she became addicted to Point Horror books like RL Stine’s The Boyfriend, but she also enjoyed light Summer reads like What Katy Did and What Katy Did Next.

Over the years she has come to realise that she is a bit of an OCD freak about books. They have to be in perfect condition without the slightest bit of damage.

She has been a book reviewer for the last few years and a book hoarder for a LOT longer. You can NEVER have too many books! Her shelves are bulging and overflowing but she always wants “just one more book”.

Keren had her first book published by Limitless Publishing in November 2013. It’s a YA Paranormal Romance novel called Stolen. Her second book was published with LP in May 2014. This time, an NA Contemporary Romance called Nothing Like The First Time.

She couldn’t have been more surprised when NLTFT appeared on the Amazon Best Seller list. That was a dream come true.

Keren is currently working on more NA Contemporary Romances for you to fall in love with.

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