05 Scary Movie 5 - Comedy 2013 English
I don't want to make one of these tapes if you do it with every girl.
Every girl? No, no.
I'm strictly a one-woman guy.
I don't wanna end up over the Internet. I pride myself on keeping a low profile.
My private life is private.
Wait. I thought you never did this before.
What are all these?
Just some movies I rented.
Me and Brandi, missionary?
A tale of two girls who become nuns.
What are all those?
Oh, it's just your standard home-security setup.
Basic, run-of-the-mill, nothing too elaborate. Everybody has them.
Why do you need security cameras pointing at your bed?
In case a burglar tries to steal my sex tapes. Let's get into bed.
Let's make this quick. I have a court hearing.
- Judge Henderson? - No, I wish. Thompson.
That's gonna suck for you.
It was a driving mishap thingy.
Do me a favour. Promise me you won't drive.
That's sweet. You're worried about me driving.
I'm worried about me. I'm a pedestrian.
Sorry. It's my sobriety monitor.
I'm sorry. Sorry.
- Ankle tracking bracelet. - OK.
What are you doing?
Just warming up.
OK. Are you sure we're alone here?
Feels like there's somebody else in this house.
- Do you hear that? - It's nothing.
- OK, what is that? - Just unravelling the old hose.
Save it for tomorrow, Raul!
That was amazing.
Get out of here, Emilio.
Charlie, I'm scared.
Lindsay, sweetie, there's nothing to be afraid of.
- I got the stuff. - I gotta call you back.
I think I'd better go.
Really? How about tomorrow? You busy?
I'm going to blow you across the room!
Sounds awesome.
And thus, our story begins.
The large reward offered for the rescue of Charlie's kids
drew the attention of police, private detectives and Red Cross volunteers.
Everyone was on high alert for these children.
Except these two guys.
No, man, Obamacare gives senior citizens access to cheaper drugs,
free preventative care and it closes the Medicare Part D loophole.
How's that help if I get shampoo in my peehole?
- What? - Never got shampoo in your peehole?
- OK, maybe like once or twice. - When you was playing with yourself.
No. I wasn't playing with myself, I was just showering. Crazy got up in there.
Bullshit. That's Newton's first law of gravity:
Soap don't run uphill.
Well, either way,
- that shit stings like hell. - Stings like a mother.
Feels like a hornet up in there.
Don't understand why the shampoo company can't fix that.
Got no more tears. Why not no hornets in your peehole?
Don't think they expect you to use the no more tears on your thing.
- Why call it Johnson & Johnson? - Got a question.
What are two stoners doing wandering around these spooky woods?
Look, it'll be worth it. I told you, this is Humboldt County.
This is where all the growers grow their bomb-ass shit.
- They be cool with us helping ourselves? - We ain't taking plants.
We're gonna snip a few buds, you know? It'll grow back.
Just like a lobster paw. That's how nature do.
I don't know. Doesn't feel right.
They won't care. We're gonna be cool.
We're gonna roll one blunt and get out of here.
- Just one? - Just one.
- They won't care?! - Just keep running!
Holy shit, is that a drone?!
They're going all Zero Dark Thirty on our ass!
Yo, I think they're gone.
It's a cabin in the woods. We need to hide in there.
I'm not going in. It reminds me of a horror movie.
- What horror movie? - The one with the cabin in the woods.
- Friday the 13th? - No. The one with the cabin in the woods.
- Texas Chainsaw Massacre? - No. The one with the cabin in the woods.
- The Ring? - The one with the cabin in the woods.
- Blair Witch Project? - No, one with the cabin in the woods.
- The Munsters? - That wasn't in the woods.
- That wasn't even a damn movie. - We ain't got time for this.
We need to get to that cabin in the woods.
- What is that sound? - Sounds like the house settling in.
- It looks new. - I'll take a look.
Go ahead.
What is that?!
- What we shooting? - There!
- Where? There? - The dark!
No, this dark! Over there!
- What was that? - Alaskan king crab just ran up on me!
- Crab? Coz, we banging? - Put the guns down, man.
- Put yours down first. - On three.
One, two, three.
- Damn. - You wanna try it again?
Sure. One, two, three.
One, two, three.
Man, we could do this shit all day.
- Truce? - Truce.
Hey, yo, D'Andre, look, homie. It's two little girls.
Two little racist girls, man.
Wearing blackface.
- You cool with that? - Hey, little girl. What's your name?
- What'd she say? - Wonder what your leg tastes like.
Little spider girl bit me!
- You'll get powers! - There's no black superheroes.
I'm on it.
Yo, D'Andre, I think they're the missing kids from the news.
- How can you be so sure? - Look.
- I don't know. - If it is, I'll take that reward money
and I'm gonna buy a yacht, fill it with cash, bitches,
- and a shark. - Why buy a shark?
Trust me, we're gonna need a shark.
No, this can't be right.
Hi, Mom.
I gotta call you back.
No baby, no baby, no baby.
- You're pregnant. - No'.!
With anticipation over the outcome of this iPregnancy test,
which has determined that you are...
You gotta be kidding me.
Oh, no!
Not pregnant! You dodged a bullet, you lucky slut.
Thank you, God. Sweet!
Great news! They found my brother's kids!
Oh, crap.
We're very fortunate the older one, Kathy, has retained most of her vocabulary.
The baby hasn't actually said a word.
- Why not? - Because he's a baby.
They've been alone here over three long months.
I need to warn both of you
- that this is not going to be easy. - I'm ready for it.
- Hello! - No, no. Wrong window.
Here's where the children are.
- What is she doing? - To survive their extreme isolation,
the girls created an imaginary guardian,
a parent figure to feed them, sing to them. They call her Mama.
But these may help you break through.
And the Ritalin may help as well.
- The dosage for someone their age is... - Wish me luck.
Hey, Lily.
Oh, how cute.
- OK. - Kathy.
It's OK, Kathy. Remember these?
You used to wear them to help you see better.
No, no, no!
Maybe we should get her some contacts. The soft kind.
Daddy?
No, sweetheart.
Not Daddy. I'm your uncle Dan, remember?
And this is Jody.
Jo... dy.
Jody. No pause between Jo and dy.
Jo... dy.
We're at an impasse. I see constant conflict.
It's fine, they'll warm up to you.
Hey, hey, hey, little lady! That's not how...
You little mother...
Well, everything checks out.
They seem good. Validate our parking and we'll take them.
- Wish it were that easy. - You don't validate?
I'm saying the kids are not yours to take.
Can't win them all. Let's skedaddle.
That's not fair. They're my brother Charlie's kids. We deserve them.
Do you? Your wife plays in a punk rock band,
staying out all night long, high on drugs,
different man every night. Don't think the courts will look upon that favourably.
- But... - Messing with you. The kids are yours.
They are? You hear that? They're ours!
One condition. This house is owned by the Institute for Case Studies.
Every room is fully wired with cameras.
If you move into the house, you get the kids.
Can't we sell the house, put the kids in an orphanage?
Do you really think you're out out to be a mom?
- Of course she is. - Dan!
Now, no more rock band. And no more silly wig.
It's not silly! It's a part of me!
- No more tattoos. - What are you doing?
What I had to. We're a perfect suburban couple.
And so, Dan and Jody headed to their new house with their new children.
But like a slutty sorority girl returning from spring break,
they were also bringing home a hidden evil.
All right, kids, here's our new house.
- And here's Uncle Dan. - Hi!
Don't forget about Mommy!
Dan! I'm not their mommy.
They can call me Aunt Jody.
Or Jods, J-Mom, Mrs Sanders.
Or if they wanna call me... Garage!
Here comes Jody and Aidan, entering the house for the first time.
This is where we'll protect you and make sure nothing bad...
- Oh, my God, Aidan! - Maybe we should put him in the carrier.
- There. See? That's better. - Come on, Aidan. What, what, what?
- Relax. It's OK. - Oh, my gosh. Dan!
- What? - Dan, I lost the baby!
Oh, my gosh! Aidan! Aidan, where are you?
- Aidan! - Where did you go? Oh, there he is! OK.
Here's your sister Kathy.
Oh, Aidan, it's OK.
Talk in a baby voice. It doesn't even matter what you say.
OK.
I'm your step-mommy.
I'm not your fricking mommy.
There you go. You're a natural.
What's that smell?
Oh, my God! What do I do?! Oh, here! This! Hold on!
Uncle Dan!
Kathy! Sorry, honey!
All right, there you go, sweetie.
Is it chilly in here? I felt it as soon as I entered the room.
Feels fine. Hey, what are these?
This is interesting. What is this?
I don't know. Mama drew that one.
Look. We drew this picture for Aidan.
It's Aidan on a rocket to the moon.
Sitting on a rocket.
Where's Lily?
No, sweetie, the other end.
Let's go introduce Aidan to the rest of the family.
- And there's our furry family member. - Yes, Maria.
- No, Dan, Artie. - Yes, of course. Our dog Artie.
The new baby! I make blessing.
OK, OK, that's good, Maria.
Oh, my gosh.
With three new kids to care for,
Dan really needed to start performing at work.
Unfortunately, he was having issues with a colleague.
OK, Caesar. This is the one. I can feel it.
Eighty-one seconds?
Oh, Caesar. That's your worst time yet.
You're doing even worse on your creativity test.
Look at all the imaginative things I made out of blocks.
Like this awesome plane.
Dan. Do you have any results yet?
Well, I've been injecting the primates twice a day
with the I-13 intelligence drug. I'm hoping in a week or so...
I hope Caesar is not just a big waste of time and money.
I'm the one responsible to the board. Show me one thing positive.
Look. They still throw their shit.
But now they can keep score.
Kick-start this. When can we go to human trials?
We're close, there's an intermediate step. If the I-13 works on these reality wives...
- You better check that shit. - Who gonna check me, boo?
- Pinning the future of our lab on beasts. - They're not beasts.
They have feelings, they have families.
Males pee standing up, females pee sitting down.
These apes are just like you.
And me! You and me!
Blacks and whites. More like whites, of course.
Whites are a lighter shade of ape, you are bla...
dder infection, we're all at risk. What were we talking about? Vaginas!
- Shut up. - Yes, of course.
Caesar has got to show some human intelligence or...
Caesar's smarter than half of those board members.
- Dan... - I know.
If he's so smart, why is he in a cage?
You're in the cage.
What?
- Oh, you're looking for this? - It's my ballerina doll.
- You made this? - Mama did.
Using twigs, moss, spider webs, sparrow bones, lizard eyes.
All held together with rat droppings.
Oh, jeez!
What are you doing?
I just can't deal with these kids. They're creepy. We should take them back.
Maybe you guys just need to find some common ground.
What about that ballerina doll Kathy's always playing with?
I don't wanna talk about the ballet.
I saw what the ballet did to my mom.
She became obsessed.
She even danced the Swan while she was pregnant with me.
Boo! Boo!
Hell, you better sit back before I punch you in your throat.
We're trying to enjoy the show. Shh me again.
I double-dog dare you.
You better ask somebody who I am.
Got it!
Mom was never the same.
That's unlikely to ever happen again. Ever.
Just give it a shot.
Look what I found. It's a local production,
but could be something for you and Kathy to talk about. Could be fun.
- You really think so? - Yes.
Well, I suppose I could check it out.
OK. But the minute it becomes too difficult, I'm giving up.
That's the spirit.
Even though Jody only returned to the ballet to connect with the girls,
as she got closer she couldn't help but get excited
at the prospect of becoming the Swan Queen.
This season, we open with Swan Lake.
As you all know, this piece has the most challenging and demanding role in ballet,
the Swan Queen.
Sizing up her competition, Jody knew the battle would be a tough one.
The white and the black.
Fortunately, we have with us prima ballerina
and the lead in my last 146 productions,
Heather Darcy!
The seasoned professional.
The still brilliant, crusty, old, weathered, leather-faced
elder statesman of ballet, to whom these young girls,
less experienced, more beautiful and delicious,
but still very raw ballerina hopefuls look up.
Show these far more desirable children how it's done.
Music!
Try that thing where you are skipping, hop, spread your legs a little.
Look at that form. That technique.
I'll never be that good.
I'm Jody, by the way.
Kendra.
- Are you gonna try out? - Me?
I don't know. I mean, I like to dance, but
- I don't like to be the centre of attention. - OK, who's next?
Food!
It is as if I am seeing ballet for the first time.
That's not ballet.
The passion, the sensuality.
I can show passion.
Oh, yeah!
Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!
Jody certainly had her work cut out for her.
That Kendra chick was smoking.
Do you accept euros?
Kathy? Lily?
Aidan?
Jody?
Oh, sweetie, I'm so sorry!
- I'm so sorry! - I'm fine.
It was on the floor.
Probably a screw loose.
I'll fix it.
- I feel like there's something in the house. - What?
Like I feel hot, clammy, foul-smelling breath on my neck.
You need call psychic. Kill bad spirits.
No, Maria, enough of this stuff.
OK, then I do blessing. I protect house.
Honey, you really need to relax.
You're just stressed out about the children.
No, it's this house. I feel it.
And Maria's a little off. I mean, honestly, do you really trust her?
Honey, don't worry. She couldn't hurt a fly.
You have a big day ahead of you tomorrow, let's just get you some sleep.
Love you.
I don't believe this. Our whole house ransacked.
Leave the house unattended with the doors unlocked, look what happens.
They didn't take anything. It's just vandalism.
Every room except the kids' rooms was trashed.
- So you suspect the kids? - It was Mama. Mama did it.
She hates this house. She hates you.
OK, Maria, this is camera.
Necessito filming.
Thank you for helping me clean up.
Oh, hey, been looking all over for this thing.
I still got it.
I'm sorry! God! Help, honey!
Maria! Honey. help!
Jeez! Maria, put the camera...
Oh, look at this.
Mom coaching me when I was a little girl.
Always applying the guilt trip.
That got me the lead.
Look, Maria. Maria, look what I found.
What is this?
That's a new type of electric toothbrush.
Look, a whole box of toothbrushes!
Graffiti! Did you see this?
Who does that?
What are we... Maria?
Maria!
Miss Jody, Miss Jody, you call this man,
Mr Blaine. He helped my sister.
- This is a psychic. - Si, he help you.
What we need are more security cameras.
This is fun, Mama!
You're still awake?
It's just us until Uncle Dan comes back from the hospital.
I don't like it, you don't like it. I don't like it. Go to sleep.
I have to be up early for ballet tomorrow.
You really like ballet?
- Yeah, but I don't want you to go. - Why?
Mama says you're gonna have an accident.
Oh, OK.
Is this the same Mama who trashed the house?
Basically, yes.
Don't go in there.
- I wasn't going to. - Just don't.
It's my house. I can if I want.
- I wouldn't. - Would.
- Wouldn't. - Would too.
- Would not. - You know what? I'm the adult.
- You're not the boss of me. - Don't.
I told you not to let anyone in!
And so Jody was... Oh, my God, I just smelled that.
It just got to me. Yeah.
And so Jody was... Oh, no, I'm sorry. You have to excuse me.
I gotta get some fresh air. The next section should explain itself.
All right. Attention! I do not wish to repeat myself.
I repeat, I do not wish to repeat myself.
I require the sweater I wear as a scarf.
Mother, please. I'm working.
All right. Because Heather Darcy is so old,
this season we will have a new Swan Queen.
And that person is
Jody Sanders.
Now, Jody, show us your routine.
No! I'm the Swan Queen!
Watch me!
As I was saying, my choice for new...
Her?! Anyone but her!
You might just as well have picked the janitor!
Me?
- Ira, please. Not now. - What?
OK, yes, it was a difficult decision,
but I have always been attracted to Jody.
How could I not? She has the body of a 5th grade boy. In the event
she is unable to dance, I am naming as her understudy
Kendra Brooks.
All right, that's lunch.
This is a nice house. I'm gonna go find the girls.
How did you know I was gonna have an accident today at the ballet?
- Mama told me. - OK, well, how did Mama know
I was gonna have an accident?
Oh, there you are. I found this bandage.
- On my head. - Dan, please.
I think there's something going on. Something about this Mama.
- I'll call the psychic. - Do you really think we need a psychic...
- Uncle Dan, come here! - Coming.
Uncle Dan, Mama taught me some tricks. Look what I can do.
- Oh, wow, that's really good, honey. - Dada!
Good Lord!
Uncle Dan, look at me!
Evil spirits! Mr Dan, look!
Isn't that one of Jody's bathing suits?
You're facing something our human minds cannot imagine!
Let's get you in a robe.
Do you wanna hear about the ballet today?
Mama's helping us get ready.
Oh, OK. I'll brush too.
Where did my toothbrush go?
Hey! We don't lick our balls in this house.
Sorry. Won't happen again.
Try as she might, Jody couldn't connect with those kids.
Or get the taste of that toothbrush out of her mouth.
Was it just 8-year-old teen angst
or were there otherworldly forces at work here?
Baby. Baby, I heard something.
- What? - There's someone in the kitchen.
See? There's nobody down here.
- Look, there it is again! Right there! - Jody, calm down.
See, there's nothing to worry about. It's just...
- Dan, I'm calling the psychic! - Make the call!
Blaine Fulda, professional psychic.
- Hi, I'm Jody. - Indeed you are.
And this is my husband Dan.
Your payment as requested, $500 in unmarked bills.
Of course, you know Maria.
- Hola, Mr Blaine. - Hi, Maria. How's your sister?
Dead. Demon killed her.
That explains the unreturned phone calls. I'm sensing evil.
I'm gonna get some of your personal belongings here
just so I can check for demon and ghost residue.
Won't be able to lift all those monitors. I'll send my cousin with a van.
- He can get them in. - Dan was attacked last night.
We think it might be Mama.
Kitchen attack? Could've said that earlier.
If a room turns on you, it's either a ghost or a demon.
Can a demon take over someone?
Like, live within them?
That's some scary shit!
A demon is the worst thing you can have?
No, an STD is the worst thing that you can have.
Who wants to hurt you?
A jealous colleague at work? A Facebook friend you ignored?
Maybe you adopted a small African child named Ikatababwe?
Promising to feed this nigger for 25 cents a day? But he needs something to drink!
- Anyway, let's forget. - Okay.
This is the evil communicator.
When I put this on, I'll be able to cross over to the other side
and confront the entity. That will trigger
the final $350 payment of child support to Tisha Fulda.
If you guys would just join hands, close eyes and concentrate.
Empty your mind of thoughts. Everything that went on, get out of your mind.
This is all about the spirit world here.
And three, two and one.
What's happening? Things are starting to move!
Wait! I don't think he can breathe!
He's a pro! Sophisticated equipment like that? Of course he can breathe.
I couldn't breathe. Almost killed myself.
All right, I communicated. It was definitely a demon.
Wait a minute. I was wrong.
It's a ghost. So strong.
- Dan! Dan, wake up! - It's got me!
You have to get out of here! It's evil!
It's pure evil! It's Mama!
Now do you believe something's going on? He got dragged away, yelling Mama.
He got dragged away? I don't remember.
- Dan, you were unconscious. - I don't remember that either.
I don't wanna argue. The important thing is, we love each other.
The important thing is this Mama could be real and might be trying to kill us.
Jod, that guy was a fraud and that's it. OK?
- What's that? - My penis.
- No. - Yes.
There, right now, there!
- What the hell is that? - My penis?
What's making that sound?
Dan, what is that?
My penis.
Is that smoke?
Maria! What are you doing?
- You're gonna burn down the house! - Kill bad spirits!
What is going on?
Maria almost burned the house down.
- What? - That's it, she's got...
Enough! This is getting out of hand. You're scaring everybody.
You can't fire her. Been with us for years.
I don't know what to do.
OK, now what the hell? This is completely insane.
- It's what she believes in, honey! - Give me that!
You're gonna let me go?
- The family is not safe! - I'm sorry, it's not working out.
I'll give you a recommendation.
Nothing involving kids or within a mile of anyone's house.
I can't do this any more. I gotta go to work.
I don't even understand what you're saying!
Ladies and gentlemen, for the past two years,
our own Dan Sanders has been testing the I-13 compound on 30 apes.
Unfortunately, 29 of them
turned into insane, aggressive, deviant sexual predators.
But one, Caesar,
has experienced a huge leap in intelligence.
Here he plays three opponents. Of course, they're apes,
but Caesar's superior capabilities
are the work of one man.
The brains behind the I-13 project, Dan San...
- Are you OK? - I'm fine, Martin.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to introduce you to Caesar...
Oh, no!
Traffic is backed up on Broad Street Bridge
where police are battling apes in a running gunfight.
Our reports indicate that a scientist at a research laboratory
gave these apes an experimental intelligence drug.
I'm being told that all available officers are now on the scene.
But at this time, we are advising all our viewers to find alternate routes.
I'm being told we have the actual 911 call that first alerted police to the situation.
911, what's your emergency?
Oh, my God! Apes are inside the house!
- Calm down. What happened? - We were making love and...
Oh, my God! They're attacking him!
- Who are they attacking, ma'am? - Carl! Oh, my God!
- Help him! - Where is your husband right now?
Carl's not my husband. My husband's the anchor for Channel 12 News.
He can't know about it.
- But we need to... - Hurry!
Send help while my husband's still on the air!
- That's not important. Your life is. - You're right. Why should he care?
I'm pretty sure he's been sleeping with his co-anchor, that bitch!
Oh, I'm gonna rip her...
Congratulations, girl.
Knew it was gonna be you. You're just so perfect, so mechanical.
Watching you dance is like watching a robot.
Thanks.
I'm so hungry.
- Is that all? - Pierre has a weight limit.
I'm too heavy. Look at Mara.
She looks great.
Look, are you sure you're OK?
Weird things have been happening.
Kathy said there would be an accident. Then it happened to Heather.
That's some serious shit.
You should talk to those kids.
Whoa, pizza!
I eat and eat and eat
and I don't gain a pound.
Heather!
You think you can replace me?
Well, we'll see how you like it once the Swan consumes you!
Damn it!
Son of a bitch!
Oh, I didn't know you were such a good builder.
Kathy, I want you to tell me about Mama.
Mama doesn't like it when you talk about her.
Who is Mama?
She was a woman who read from an evil book.
Sometimes she comes to us in a dream.
In a dream?
In your dreams, of course.
I wish I could see what's inside your dreams.
To extract what's in your dreams.
To perform an inception.
Will you drop that? That's my birth tuba.
Hello. I'm Dom Kolb. You called about a dream extraction?
Yes. I need to find out about an evil book.
This machine will allow us access to the dream world. Let's begin.
When do we start dreaming?
You never really remember the beginning of a dream, do you?
- I guess. - OK then,
this is your first lesson in shared dreaming. Stay calm.
Sorry. I dropped my phone in there.
You need to clear your subconscious.
And watch what you think about. Nothing crazy.
Right. Like having your crotch burst into flames.
What does that have to do with Ma...?
Hey!
Let's start over.
I'm Jody Sanders.
Yes, my dear. I've been expecting you.
Please, come in.
They call me Christian Grey.
How do you like my blue room?
It's red.
Oh. I'm colour-blind. My decorator assured me that...
Never mind.
Champagne?
Hey, Christian, man, golly, man!
I'd like to thank you for working on my prostrate like it was a speed bag.
I must admit, I was surprised at your performance as well.
Not bad for a washed-up, overweight, facially tattooed...
Do it again.
I have no idea what that one was.
Me neither.
Mama, are you here?
- Dom, is that you? - Oh, shit.
You said you'd had a dream that we'd grow old together.
Right. And we will.
- What are you doing here? - Hi.
How could you bring her? What about our children?
- They're not real. - Yes, they are. Watch.
James, Phillippa!
You're not gonna jump, are you?
I hadn't thought about that.
Thank you.
We're not getting anywhere. What's this have to do with Kathy?
Kathy? I thought you were Kathy.
Gort Klaatu Barada Nikto.
What's happening to me?!
That must have been her.
Mama.
She wants to take us home to the cliff.
What does that mean?
I don't know. But I trust you'll give me a favourable Yelp review?
Jody's mission was clear.
The evil book that created Mama was located in the cellar of a cabin
in the woods. If she could find that cabin,
maybe she could find some answers.
If we can find that cabin, maybe we can find some answers.
Calm down. I'm gonna come over.
- Kendra! - What?
OK, wait, what's going on now?
I think she's out there!
OK, OK, just stay calm!
- Front door open. - She's in the house!
- Front door open. - OK, stay...
Shut the hell up!
No need for that, bitch.
Bitch?!
- No, you did not just call me a bitch! - Front door open.
- Honey? - ' Dan?!
I am so sorry.
I didn't know who you were and...
Oh, it's OK, honey. It was an accident.
Right, Caesar?
And of course he can stay here.
Look at that. Caesar wants to help out around the house.
I'm sorry. I see an ape, I come out swinging.
That's understandable.
Here you go.
I am so glad you're OK. But tonight was a wake-up call.
- I think we gotta find that cabin. - OK. I got an idea.
Wait, we fired Maria. Who's gonna watch the kids?
I already took care of it.
Naughty Nanny's here.
Nice to meet you, Naughty. This is my wife, Jody.
That costs extra.
Oh, Jesus! Monkey too?
You people are freaks! But for an extra $100...
What agency did you call?
Oh, they have nurses and cheerleaders and nannies.
Dan, you called an escort service.
I used the same agency to book a Santa for Christmas.
Someone called for Santa?
Dan, you're watching the kids.
Jody was nervous about what she might find at the cabin,
but she was comforted by the fact that Caesar and the girls
were in good hands.
Who do you work for?
- This isn't the cabin I was talking about. - I know. I thought you needed to relax.
Take one of these.
I don't know.
Oh, come on, they'll only last a couple of hours, tops.
Kendra, I don't need drugs to have fun.
Let me take a picture!
- Oh, that's so hot! - Yeah!
- Yeah! Ride it! Yeah! - Yeah!
A dollar will make me holler, Honey Boo Boo child.
Oh, wait. I'm not gonna get pregnant, am I?
- No. - OK.
Oh, my God! Rehearsal! I'm late!
Oh, no, no, no! Oh, my God, oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Stop! Stop!
Thank God you're here. I was kissing him because
I didn't want him to think about you being late.
I'm the dancer, so I'll do the kissing.
That was amazing!
- I want you to have my children. - Papa, please, we want to stay with you.
Back in the car, Gaston!
She can't make you forget me! I overslept because you took off this morning.
- This morning? - You slept over.
Wait, did you have some kind of lezzo dream fantasy about me?
Don't act like you weren't there.
- We made love last night. - What?
Telling me that wasn't?
I have never been that **** in my life.
Jody!
What?!
Well, that explains the poison ivy.
Jody?
- There you are. - Kendra?
- Oh, the door was open, so I let myself in. - It's OK.
Look, I'm so sorry.
I believed something happened between us.
- I must have dreamt the whole thing. - Oh, no. We had sex.
But at rehearsal, you said...
Can't have the cast know my business. Already doing half of them.
- Me and Pierre, we have this thing... - Then what's this?
Beats me. Must've happened after I left.
Girl, you are freaky.
Oh, yeah!
Oh, Shit!
See? I knew she was real.
Let's find out where this cabin is.
What in the hell?
Bad girl!
Oh, what is this?
Oh, my God! It's the same cabin from the dream! Of course!
What will we do if we find that book?
If that's the book that turned Mama into what she is,
maybe it can somehow reverse the curse.
OK, we're almost there.
- Hey, I'm not going in there. - We have to go inside.
The book is the key to the nightmare I'm living.
Oh, my gosh. Who are you?
I'm Jody and this is Kendra.
- We're looking for something important. - We all are. Come on in.
Go tell it on the mountain.
Over the hills and everywhere Go tell it.
Everybody, this is Jody and Kendra.
- Hello. - Hello, Jody. Hi, Kendra.
Pardon me for not standing, but I'm mending the wing of this bird.
OK. Hi. We're in a hurry. We're actually looking for a book that could save lives.
I've got it right here.
- Oh, thank God. - Thank him indeed.
The Bible. Here, let me read to you.
Oh, no. No, see, we're actually looking for
the book of evil.
- I know evil all too well. - You do?
This weekend's devoted to Mia. It's a detox weekend.
She's hooked on energy shots.
Oh, yeah, that's a real struggle.
We're looking for another book somewhere in this cabin.
We haven't seen anything.
- We gave it a shot. Let's get out of here. - OK, wait.
Is there a cellar?
Great.
There it is.
OK, I don't care what it says.
The curse begins with four words.
Gort Klaatu Barada Nikto.
You're all going to die tonight.
The curse ends with one word.
Adunda.
What the heck?
Why?
I don't have an arm.
Hey! For some reason I cut my tongue in half!
OK, well, let's at least finish the song.
- Everyone hold hands. Except for Eric. - Damn.
Go tell it on the mountain.
Over the hills and everywhere.
Maybe we didn't do it right.
Gort Klaatu Barada Nikto.
Adunda.
Why does this keep happening? Where's my arm?
- Is this yours? - That's a left.
That's mine. Hand it to me, please?
- I need a right. - Eric chainsawed it off.
- Look, I'm sorry. - My leg?
No, that's black. That's not mine.
- Oh, shit. - I don't know what I'm gonna do.
Oh, cry me a river.
I need help. I have to go to the bathroom.
My penis is in the corner.
This is fucked up.
Let me try.
Gort Klaatu Barada Nikto.
But nothing again.
You know what? Let's go.
There's a door. Let's go out this way.
OK, cool. We can avoid the weirdos upstairs.
We're gonna get you!
Not another peep!
Gort Klaatu Barada Nikto.
Kendra and I recited the Latin words over and over
at the cabin and on the way home.
We must have said it 100 times, but nothing happened.
What if it isn't the right book? Maybe the curse has been lifted.
Luckily for Dan and Jody, there was someone in the house who,
thanks to the I-13 formula,
had increased intelligence and superior cognitive ability.
His analytical problem-solving skills
allowed him to ascertain crucial information.
A marvel of modern-day science,
his IQ had surpassed even the most... Hell.
Why did I think you could be intelligent?
You're nothing but a dumb animal.
Idiot!
- I can talk! - Hey, Caesar.
Steve?
Dan's got a mad demon in his house.
Matt Damon's in his house?
- No, a mad demon. - I love Matt Damon!
Jason Bourne!
I should've known not to bring a wild animal into the house. I'm so sorry.
I believed in Caesar, thought he was different.
- There's something more to this. - No, he just went crazy.
Forget it. But I still think Mama could be in this house. Don't you...
We just had a whole night go on without a single sign of anything.
I guess.
- I was so scared last night for the kids. - You're coming around.
Am I getting attached to them?
It's the cliff from the dream.
Get in the car now. Don't make me yell.
Unto thee, Satan, I sacrifice these children.
Return home to the cliff of... Holy shit!
Home's the cliff! Oh, my God, girls!
Kathy! It's OK, I saw the cliff! I know what home means!
Let's go get Aidan!
- That's cool. - Lily! Come on!
Aidan! Are you OK?
Uncle Dan! Uncle Dan!
Mama! Mama! Mama! She's here!
Girls, girls, girls. One at a time. Lily, you first.
Got it. Now Kathy.
Mama! Mama! She's here! She's gonna kill us!
How many times do I have to tell everyone, there's no such thing...
Maria? What are you doing here?
I was angry you fired me, so I baked you this.
A shit pie?
Thanks, but...
Hot dog?
No, that's still shit.
With mustard.
Maybe just a banana then?
Very much potassium.
So bueno, Mr Dan.
I'm sorry, I should've listened to you...
Mr Dan, we have our problems, but I always love you.
So much.
When I see you,
I see my father.
Dan! Dan, we have to...
Wait. What's going on here?
I can explain.
No time. Mama has the girls. I know where she took them!
Gotta go.
- You remind me of my father. - Dan!
Knowing the girls were in danger, Dan and Jody sped off,
racing to get to the cliff they... Oh, my God!
What happened to the car? Where... Oh, there it is.
They were no longer able to sit idly by and let a ghost jump off a cliff,
sacrificing their children with her.
Oh, my God! There they are! Kathy, Lily, stop!
- What do we do now? - I'll just
read from this and change her back to human.
Girls, run! Run!
No! No, not that way! Away from the cliff!
I'm not gonna let Mama take you away again.
Lily, stop! Come on, come on! Here, girl! Come on, Lily!
Come on! Look! Oh, look! Yeah!
Come on! Look! Oh, yeah! Lily!
Yeah!
Oh, come on! Enough!
This is crazy. Lily's not a dog.
She's a beautiful girl I've grown to love.
I love all these children, Mama, even if they don't all love me.
Lily loves you too, Jody.
They belong in this world with me and Dan.
They deserve parents who aren't decomposing.
Good girl.
All right, enough!
Where's the page? Damn it, I can't find it.
Oh, forget it!
There, that worked. Maybe not!
Man, we need to stop smoking this shit.
Told you that shark was gonna come in handy.
Thank you! Lily!
Honey, thank God you're all right!
Your cue is coming up.
Oh, Kendra.
Look, it's OK. Let's forget about what happened.
You are the Black Swan.
No. It's you.
Throwing Mama off a cliff has really made me reevaluate my priorities.
My family comes first.
You dance the Black Swan.
- Because sometimes in life... - OK!
Introducing our new Swan Queen,
Miss Kendra Brooks!
- This is not ballet. - No, it the hell ain't.
This some bullshit.
Yeah! Yeah!
Yeah! That's what I'm talking about!
Right? Right? You know that shit, right?! Yeah!
And so our story ends.
If anything is to be learned from this,
it's that mankind is a pathetic race
and apes need to take over this planet.
Enjoy Earth while you still got it.
Well, we'll see how you like it once the swan consumes you!
I cannot hold it that long!
It's like, it's so long!
We're kissing.
' Cut! ' Cut!
Cut!
We're kissing.
- Cut! - Cut! All right.
What happened?
- The guy was in the shot. - Cut!
But was he dressed like a demon?
- Do the second my penis as a question. - OK.
- My other penis as a question also? OK. - Yeah.
- You're jumping to what the hell is that? - I don't know why.
There's just so many penises.
Welcome to Hollywood.
I'm ready for it.
- Hey! - I'm OK with this.
That's the temporary nurses shower.
And we're painting it.
That's the temporary nurses shower.
I'm OK with this.
Sorry, you guys, I...
- I'm OK with this. - That's the
nurses temporary locker room and we're repainting it.
Cut!
Hello here!
B mark!
- And background. - Action!
Jody! Thank God I caught you!
I forgot to tell you, now that you are the Swan Queen...
- Slate. - Suck my ****.
I'll save you, Snoop Dogg.
My name ain't Snoop Dogg in this mother******* movie, man!
Well, I mean, I...
Stop it.
We're good. We're good.
Now prepare for a night of unparalleled passion.
Oh, wait, Mr Grey...
- The safe word is deeper. - What?
Damn!
- What's this have to do with the ballet? - Ballet?
Yes. Aren't you donating millions?
Millions? I'm broke.
Every cent I have has been put into this room.
I don't know what I'm gonna do.
Oh, cry me a river.
I'm gonna need a little help. I don't have a penis.
It does not come off!
It does not come off. I'm sorry.
Getting tired of talking about this mother**** in the woods with this man.
The ****? We keep going in circles, talking about a ****. Man, ****.
Let's talk about a ****, man. Getting some ****.
We talking about ****, two dudes in the woods.
If we had a **** here, she could wash our **** off right now.
Understand me? That's the way I would say it.
Check out this psychic's book for a clue. It freaks me out.
Come on, there's nothing to be s...
These books are all...
There's nothing to be scared...
be scared... be scared...
There's nothing to be scared... Oh, wrong animal.
Be scared... A dinosaur!
What does this have to do with...
I know, sorry.
Action!
What does this have to do with...
You just keep cupping your boobs.
OK, sorry.
OK, how do we know who's a witch?
Do they have a broom?
Do they have a pointy nose?
I'm gonna... I'm going to pee my pants!
So, what, I didn't get the part?
Where's everybody going?
I just had the most bizarre dream.
Demons, apes, a ballet.
You have a very active subconscious.
Anyway, the idea took hold.
Lindsay Lohan's coming over to spend the night with you.
Awesome!
You were driving.